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Magnate
Member Since Apr 2008
Location: N/A
Posts: 2,489
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#1
For literally YEARS, I have been working with T trying to express anger at my abuser. Monday, I finally did. My fears of losing control and acting abusively did not happen. That's a relief. It felt really good in the moment, like I was standing up for myself. I said I had a right to be mad and I meant it.
Since then....ugh. I keep thinking, How dare I say that?" and "I am a bad person for saying such nasty things." It's the old training that I don't have the right to express angry feelings, to even feel angry at being abused. I am basically freaking out about everything I said, which is probably a very predictable response to breaking my silence. But, ugh, it feels awful and I feel ashamed and guilty even though intellectually I know I did nothing wrong. I called T and got an appointment Friday morning; I've never called for an extra appointment without him offering it. That's something else to be embarrassed about. |
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Anonymous50123, lynn P., Open Eyes, spondiferous, tigersassy, tinyrabbit
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lynn P., spondiferous
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Legendary
Member Since Feb 2009
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 12,269
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#2
Good for you ((skeksi)) in expressing your anger in a safe constructive way. Its very normal for you to second guess yourself since you're not used to giving yourself the freedom. You weren't taught, its your right to feel emotions. Your T probably anticipated you may have doubts and increased feelings from that session...so don't feel embarrassed. I think its an important part of healing and getting in touch with the right to feel this emotion.
When my kids were toddlers and they had a tantrum - I would just let them have it and after they calmed down, we would talk about it...unless it was at a shopping mall lol. Children need to feel emotions so they can learn to control them. __________________ This is our little cutie Bella *Practice on-line safety. *Cheaters - collecting jar of hearts. *Make your mess, your message. *"Be the change you want to see" (Gandhi) |
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skeksi
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Pandita-in-training
Member Since Sep 2006
Location: Maryland
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#3
I disagree; something else to be thankful for, sounds like you have a great T! I hope he can help you feel better tomorrow
__________________ "Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
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skeksi
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Grand Member
Member Since Nov 2011
Posts: 794
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#4
Hi Skeksi,
Ahh,wonderful! I bow to your courage. I know how much courage this took,I've done it myself, annddd felt the sick guilt afterwords just like you--only I diagnosed it at first as 'depression'. BUT, the cavalry are here!!! What it is,is,this is exactly how you would have felt when you received the disapproval you no doubt got from your parents! It is the 'auditory imprint' from THEM,buried so deep in the psyche that you think it is YOU! Not so,not bloody so,it doesn't even belong to you,it belongs to THEM! I am so happy for you,doesn't it feel great standing up for yourself? A victim no bloody more! Good on you, I wish you more power in the future---excellent. Deepest Respect, BLUEDOVE |
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skeksi, tigersassy
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Grand Wise Rabbit
Member Since Feb 2013
Location: England
Posts: 4,084
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#5
I think you should be proud that you are doing good self-care by getting an extra session.
I know what you mean about the paranoid backtrack. You just have to take it a little at a time. |
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skeksi
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Magnate
Member Since Apr 2008
Location: N/A
Posts: 2,489
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#6
Quote:
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Thanks, tinyrabbit. You're right. This is a very emotional time for me and it's okay to get extra help. A small part of me worried T will be put out, but I know he had an open slot and he wouldn't have offered it if it wasn't willing to give it. I have to trust him on that. |
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tigersassy, tinyrabbit
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Dancer in the Dark
Member Since Feb 2012
Location: somewhere, i think.
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#7
Congratulations. Breaking the silence is the hardest part.
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skeksi
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Grand Wise Rabbit
Member Since Feb 2013
Location: England
Posts: 4,084
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#8
Just remember: the voice that says you shouldn't talk? It's not yours, and it's wrong.
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tigersassy
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Magnate
Member Since Apr 2008
Location: N/A
Posts: 2,489
16 1,145 hugs
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#9
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tinyrabbit
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