[Grey Matter]

My parents have been cracking down on me today about seeing my grandmother (on my fathers side). I haven't seen her or spoken to her for 7 or 8 months, and for good reason.

She's the first reason I started having a horrid relationship with food. She told me I was fat when I was FOUR. And then when I was 10, and energetic as crazy, I would eat a lot. And she would tell me "you're getting fat. No ones going to love you like that.". I do believe I was genetically dis-positioned to get an ED, but she was my first major trigger.

She took me on a vacation on 16th birthday without warning, while my mother was in the hospital, and it was when I first SH'd and when I first starved myself because she said I looked like a "beached whale". Then she assumed I was doing drugs (which I wasn't, I was the most boring teenager) and searched through my stuff and made a fool of me.

When I was 17, I attempted suicide. My grandmother was jealous of my grandma (on my moms side) because I stayed with her at that time when I was in residential and had weekend leaves. When I came home, feeling safe and stable and able, she came to the house, screamed at me and told me "you don't need these pills. You're making this up." And flushed my two month supply of anti-depressants and I instantly relapsed. She told me I gained to much weight in the "loony bin" and I needed to lose it. Mind you, I was 5'7 at the time, and weighed 114 pounds.

She constantly told me I wasn't smart. That I am wasting my life. That someone "like me" couldn't make it in science. That I should just do vocational and life skills training because it's my "only hope".

When my brother died, she had the audacity to come to our house and tell us we would need to change the date of the FUNERAL because she + my uncle and aunt had a vacation planned and couldn't get a refund. She came to me and told me that we shouldn't be upset about it. She asked "why is the date important?" I snapped and said "Because my brother died right where we are standing and you couldn't give a damn about anyone else but yourself. You should know, you tortured him." (which she did. She verbally abused him about being TERMINALLY ILL).

Since then, I haven't spoken to her. And I don't feel an OUNCE of guilt. My family keeps telling me "but she IS your grandmother. You should be thankful to have one."

That's like saying I should be thankful for her abuse. Her hate. Her loathing for me.

She's coming over today and I am sitting here fuming, crying, hating my body because I know she'll tell me how I got "fat" (as if that would be a thing to be mean about anyway!) and lecture me about my inability to be intelligent.

Why do I need to love her? Why do I need to pretend? She doesn't deserve my love, and I will not give it to her.

We don't choose family. But we can choose who isn't worth our love.

...

Just because they're family doesn't excuse their horrid behavior.

...

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by Teen Idle

Since then, I haven't spoken to her. And I don't feel an OUNCE of guilt. My family keeps telling me "but she IS your grandmother. You should be thankful to have one."

That's like saying I should be thankful for her abuse. Her hate. Her loathing for me.

She's coming over today and I am sitting here fuming, crying, hating my body because I know she'll tell me how I got "fat" (as if that would be a thing to be mean about anyway!) and lecture me about my inability to be intelligent.

Why do I need to love her? Why do I need to pretend? She doesn't deserve my love, and I will not give it to her.

We don't choose family. But we can choose who isn't worth our love.

You are completely right. Good for you for seeing clearly, even if other people don't get it.

[A Red Panda]

That's right, you don't need to love her. But unfortunately as long as you're living with your parents you will have to endure seeing her. But hey, once you move out you DON'T have to ever see her.

My grandma's played zero role in my life. I can honestly say that I felt nothing when they died. It had zero affect on me. When my friend's grandpa died however, I started bawling in the middle of a reception area of a theatre (found out via text, I was across an ocean). I STILL wish I had been able to go to his funeral.

You don't need to pretend or do anything like giving her a hug or a kiss. But it's probably easier to keep quiet about it, unless you feel up to having a huge blow out that your parents would likely get involved in.

Good luck!!!

[tinyrabbit]

I haven't spoken to my maternal grandmother in years. She is not a very nice person. Or, to be more precise, she is a verbally abusive narcissist who screwed my mother up royally and is horrible to everyone.

Your grandmother sounds awful, I'm so sorry. I suspect she may have some kind of narcissism as well. I disagree with this statement: "But she IS your grandmother. You should be thankful to have one."

So she's your grandmother. She's not acting like it. You would be thankful if she actually behaved decently, but why should you be thankful? Should I be thankful that at least I have a father when my father was abusive? We can't choose our families, and we don't have to accept them just because we are related by blood or marriage.

Are you able to say anything to your parents about how she makes you feel? Have you told them?