[blkbutterfly76]

I feel like I've lost touch with reality. I see the sky is blue but if he says its gray it changes to gray before my eyes. He's corrupted my way of life. I've lost my grasp on reality. He's playing me, I know it, but I'm stuck here in hell... I have keys to a rental car , a suitcase full of clothes, $75 cash I could make a run for it BUT WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I DID? WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN WHEN MY $ IS GONE I CAN'T PAY FOR THE RENTAL, AND OH YEAH HE FINDS ME OR WORSE HE TARGETS MY FAMILY SO I SIT HERE LOOKING AND FEELING STUPID! ITS LIKE A MOVIE WHERE THE GUY HAS THE GUN AND TELLS THE HOSTAGE TO MAKE A RUN FOR FOR IT AND THEY WANT TO BUT HAVE THE FEELING IF THEY DO HE WILL STILL KILL THEM then they finally run and well he shoots them in the back...I feel like a caged bird with the door of the cage wide open... dare I fly out and make a run for it or stay in my cage where I'm miserable but still alive? This abuse thing has me drained I can't get a grasp on reality anymore. He does devilish things then says its in my mind or it didn't happen he's trying to drive me crazy he knows my past history of depression and childhood abuse and teenage thoughts of suicide because I thought I could open up to him but he uses it to call me crazy disturbed and psycho...when in all actuality I made bad choices in men but I'm far from stupid as he would call me...he is an abuser of the worse kind...he wants to completely destroy me and I've so far been allowing him to do so...I just want my life back, my sanity,my freedom...but how do I dare do this without making a run for it and not getting shot down when I do? How do I keep him away from me and my kids so I can live my life? How can I regain my freedom or am I stuck being a caged bird with an open door? Why is there not better laws for us? (Abused partners) I've been beaten badly in a previous relationship and he got a slap on the wrist...nothing protected me...guys who abuse animals get longer time than he did and I had a broken nose concusion bruised ribs two blk eyes and ptsd ... it makes it hard to up and leave or fight when you have no good back up other than uproot run and hide live in shelters put your kids through even more hectic situations being secretive being afraid watching your back limiting contact etc its so hard for us its harder with older kids and mine suffer from depression bipolar adhd and other issues which makes it difficult changing schools and getting them adjusted in classes ... its not a cop out to care where my kids are or what they go through they struggle and were already in therapy so adding my poor choice in a husband who turned to a monster to their mother and now needs to be uprooted after they are content for the first time in 4 years is difficult...I feel guilty I cover up my abuse they know we argue sometimes but don't know the extent of the rest I try to shield them...he tries to win my sons affection I try to keep them at a distance they spend a lot of time at my parents around the corner. I can't involve my parents they are older with health issues so I stay away from my family I communicate by phone I don't attend gatherings and try to keep my husband away from everyone. He studies there routines and habits and threatens me with it if I leave and I left once for a wk until the threats and calls from my kids came in. I want to leave and make sure I never get in this situation ever again in life. I've been in a vicious cycle of abuse since I was a little girl but I want it to end. This is not the example I want to set for my daughter or grandaughter nor what my sons think should be done to a woman. I know there's a way out for me. I'm here searching and I'm planning to break free and be alive to tell how I did it. Abuse is real its hard its not simple I used to think women who stayed were dumb because they could just leave...ITS NOT THAT SIMPLE...ABUSE IS DANGEROUS AND CAN BE LIFE THREATNING it is for me...so for those reading who think its simple you have no clue... abuse comes in different forms but when your married to a real life monster your living a nightmare and no matter how hard you try you can't wake up if no hero shows up or you don't learn to fight back eventually you die.

[Silent_Tears_17]

I am too young to have been abused my a husband, but being emotionally abused by parents, and worrying about my little siblings I can grasp the ideas you write. I in no way claim to understand, to "know your pain". I dont. I cant imagine it. But I know you are not crazy. And I know you are a good mother who needs help. Can you tell me what state you are from? I should be able to find some agencies or laws or something that should help. I understand you are in a dangerous position, but you cannot hold the weight of the world on your shoulders. Your children and your parents want you to be safe more than anything else. So please, even if you cannot let them help you now, just tell me what state you are in, and maybe one of us here can help you. Also, I suggest attending the Q and A tomorrow with Doc John, he might have some suggestions

[blkbutterfly76]

Thank you that means alot. Ive corresponded with some nice people and received a list of places but im very limited to calls i can make. Hes always hoovering around me when im on the phone. I live in north carolina
Im still trying to figure this sight out but what time of day does the q and a begin?

[Silent_Tears_17]

Oh its tonight, well tomorrow night depending on time zone. Its tuesday night and its in the chat forum and its at, h

[Silent_Tears_17]

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 12:48 AM.

It is Tuesday, (tonight) at 9-10pm

[blkbutterfly76]

Oh ok thanks ill try to check that out...thanks

[Silent_Tears_17]

Your welcome.. I also sent u a PM (private message)

Address Confidentiality Program can help. This program will help keep your new address safe from possible or former abusers. For more information, call us at (919) 716-6785 or email acp@ncdoj.gov.

And then this site for NC victims of domestic violence has emails as well. So you dont have to try to make phone calls.

Contact Telephone Fax Email Western Region
Kathleen Balogh
Abuser Treatment Coordinator
46 Haywood St.
Ste. 309
Asheville, NC 28801 828-251-6169 828-251-6062 kathleen.balogh@doa.nc.gov Northern Piedmont Region
Bernetta Thigpen
2307 W. Cone Boulevard Suite 130
Greensboro, NC 27408 336-288-8650 336-288-8656 bernetta.thigpen@doa.nc.gov Eastern Region
Linda Murphy
P.O. Box 13064
New Bern, NC 28561 252-514-4868 252-514-4869 linda.murphy@doa.nc.gov Southern Piedmont Region
Julie Owens
5500 Executive Center Dr.
Ste. 206
Charlotte, NC 28212 704-563-3700 704-566-2838 julie.owens@doa.nc.gov

[Silent_Tears_17]

And some more websites for NC domestic violence stuff. A lot of it is done by area, so I am just sending it all and I hope something helps

Domestic Violence
American Bar Association Commission on Domestic Violence (Commission on Domestic & Sexual Violence | Special Committees and Commissions / Commission on Domestic Violence)
Futures Without Violence (Futures Without Violence)
National Center on Domestic & Sexual Violence (National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence)
National Domestic Violence Hotline (National Domestic Violence Hotline)
National Latino Alliance for the Elimination of Domestic Violence (Alianza - National Latino Alliance for the Elimination of Domestic Violence)
North Carolina Address Confidentiality Program (http://www.ncdoj.com/getdoc/772ff33a...y-Program.aspx)
Survivor to Survivor (Survivor to Survivor)

[nicoleflynn]

I am so sorry. I DO understand ....I lived with a verbal and physical abuser for 31 years and work with abused women.

Really, the only thing you can do is go to a shelter. I realize how hard that is. Yes, that is what abuse does.....it is "crazy-making" behavior......Literal brainwashing. I am concerned for you and your children's safety. I don't want you to be another murder statistic.

If you stay in the cage you may die. PLEASE, PLEASE get to a shelter and then figure things out from there....they can help you. The book, The Verbally Abusive Relatiionship saved my life by Patricia Evans Hugs, Nicole

P.S. You will have to find the strength and courage to be your own (and children's) hero. You can also call an abuse hotline, hospital, social worker, etc......to help you make plans to escape.

carleton@oakland.edu is my e-mail if you would like to talk privately or via the phone.

Originally Posted by blkbutterfly76

I feel like I've lost touch with reality. I see the sky is blue but if he says its gray it changes to gray before my eyes. He's corrupted my way of life. I've lost my grasp on reality. He's playing me, I know it, but I'm stuck here in hell... I have keys to a rental car , a suitcase full of clothes, $75 cash I could make a run for it BUT WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I DID? WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN WHEN MY $ IS GONE I CAN'T PAY FOR THE RENTAL, AND OH YEAH HE FINDS ME OR WORSE HE TARGETS MY FAMILY SO I SIT HERE LOOKING AND FEELING STUPID! ITS LIKE A MOVIE WHERE THE GUY HAS THE GUN AND TELLS THE HOSTAGE TO MAKE A RUN FOR FOR IT AND THEY WANT TO BUT HAVE THE FEELING IF THEY DO HE WILL STILL KILL THEM then they finally run and well he shoots them in the back...I feel like a caged bird with the door of the cage wide open... dare I fly out and make a run for it or stay in my cage where I'm miserable but still alive? This abuse thing has me drained I can't get a grasp on reality anymore. He does devilish things then says its in my mind or it didn't happen he's trying to drive me crazy he knows my past history of depression and childhood abuse and teenage thoughts of suicide because I thought I could open up to him but he uses it to call me crazy disturbed and psycho...when in all actuality I made bad choices in men but I'm far from stupid as he would call me...he is an abuser of the worse kind...he wants to completely destroy me and I've so far been allowing him to do so...I just want my life back, my sanity,my freedom...but how do I dare do this without making a run for it and not getting shot down when I do? How do I keep him away from me and my kids so I can live my life? How can I regain my freedom or am I stuck being a caged bird with an open door? Why is there not better laws for us? (Abused partners) I've been beaten badly in a previous relationship and he got a slap on the wrist...nothing protected me...guys who abuse animals get longer time than he did and I had a broken nose concusion bruised ribs two blk eyes and ptsd ... it makes it hard to up and leave or fight when you have no good back up other than uproot run and hide live in shelters put your kids through even more hectic situations being secretive being afraid watching your back limiting contact etc its so hard for us its harder with older kids and mine suffer from depression bipolar adhd and other issues which makes it difficult changing schools and getting them adjusted in classes ... its not a cop out to care where my kids are or what they go through they struggle and were already in therapy so adding my poor choice in a husband who turned to a monster to their mother and now needs to be uprooted after they are content for the first time in 4 years is difficult...I feel guilty I cover up my abuse they know we argue sometimes but don't know the extent of the rest I try to shield them...he tries to win my sons affection I try to keep them at a distance they spend a lot of time at my parents around the corner. I can't involve my parents they are older with health issues so I stay away from my family I communicate by phone I don't attend gatherings and try to keep my husband away from everyone. He studies there routines and habits and threatens me with it if I leave and I left once for a wk until the threats and calls from my kids came in. I want to leave and make sure I never get in this situation ever again in life. I've been in a vicious cycle of abuse since I was a little girl but I want it to end. This is not the example I want to set for my daughter or grandaughter nor what my sons think should be done to a woman. I know there's a way out for me. I'm here searching and I'm planning to break free and be alive to tell how I did it. Abuse is real its hard its not simple I used to think women who stayed were dumb because they could just leave...ITS NOT THAT SIMPLE...ABUSE IS DANGEROUS AND CAN BE LIFE THREATNING it is for me...so for those reading who think its simple you have no clue... abuse comes in different forms but when your married to a real life monster your living a nightmare and no matter how hard you try you can't wake up if no hero shows up or you don't learn to fight back eventually you die.

[blkbutterfly76]

Originally Posted by Silent_Tears_17

And some more websites for NC domestic violence stuff. A lot of it is done by area, so I am just sending it all and I hope something helps

Domestic Violence
American Bar Association Commission on Domestic Violence (Commission on Domestic & Sexual Violence | Special Committees and Commissions / Commission on Domestic Violence)
Futures Without Violence (Futures Without Violence)
National Center on Domestic & Sexual Violence (National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence)
National Domestic Violence Hotline (National Domestic Violence Hotline)
National Latino Alliance for the Elimination of Domestic Violence (Alianza - National Latino Alliance for the Elimination of Domestic Violence)
North Carolina Address Confidentiality Program (http://www.ncdoj.com/getdoc/772ff33a...y-Program.aspx)
Survivor to Survivor (Survivor to Survivor)

Hey i cant get on the chat sites for some reason

[blkbutterfly76]

What do you do when your suffocating? His words wrap their vicious fingers around your throat and squeeze so hard you gasp for air. You try to talk but all you can do is try to pry the invisible fingers from around your neck...his actions stab you deep inside your heart...the pain so sharp you pray for it to stop only for him to see your pain and begin to twist the meaness deeper and harder inside...you cry inside unable to cry aloud tears stream down your eyes he's seems to thrive from your hurt...his lips curl upward teeth showing like an angry dog attempting a smile...why does he enjoy my pain? All youve done is try to please him and be the wife your supposed to be...he's nice to everyone around but your his target...is it you? What did you do? You smiled, you cooked, you cleaned, you tried really hard and all you got was shut the **** up you stupid *****...are you annoying? Is it you? wish you could sleep and never awake because you can't make him happy and your living in hell...there's no escape not even in sleep...he awakes you to be mean to but if he couldn't wake you if you never woke up youd be free! You could finally rest in peace away from the monster you married!