Just now remembering childhood abuse

I have been in therapy for my eating disorder for about two years now. I somehow forgot/erased the entire first eight or ten years of my life. I never understood it, from the stories my parents and older brother told, it was a pretty happy life. I also could never understand why I was always so self distructive, starting early with a cocaine addiction, then to anorexia/bulimia, and cutting.
I have been doing cognitive therapy to help me realize why I do what I do. And in the past two weeks I have been getting these flashbacks of childhood memories where I was being sexually abused by a relative. After I get them I go into complete panic mode. I've had to request a leave of absence from work because I work with children and it seems to trigger these memories. My T has given me adavan which helps but does not take away the pain. Last night I drank myself into a complete mess. I'm not a drinker but I was feeling so out of control I needed a quick way out. I was thoroughly imbarresed when I found out I had blacked out, puked all over my friend's front lawn, and worst of all, I peed my pants! I need some help in dealing. I start a partial hospitalization program next week for my eating disorder but I feel like it's not going to be of any help with the way I've been feeling. I dont know what to do with this. I can smell him, feel him, see him, as if it's happening all over again. Will I ever get over this?

Yes.. you will get over this.. you will heal.. the memories are fresh and painful.. and I understand your confusion of how could you possibly NOT remember this...

Out minds and bodies are amazing things.. giving us whatever coping tools we need to survive some of the most horrific things... blocking it out is one tool.. drug addiction and yout eating disorder are both tools you found to get you through it.. but neither is useful anymore... neither is blocking...

Once the memories start it means you are ready for healing... and healing takes hard work... it can be painful because in blocking out the abuse, you never FELT the emotions of being abused... and you are now beginning to FEEL.. instead of numbing...

Stay with it.. you are already a survivor and you can get through this tough part.. coming out on the other side of this pain you will find peace and even joy...trust me.. I am getting there too.. you are not alone in this journey..

I can sort of relate to your situration... I have never had many memories of before I was 12... but resently bits and peices have been appearing (mainly through dreams and flashbacks) and forming complete memories...
I always knew the kind of things that happened though as they went on long after the memory void...


It is amazingly confusing and painful when they appear, even more so for you I am sure as you had no idea that they were even there...
the mind/brain is a strange thing... it can never fully "forget" an event, just sort of files it away. and then at a later date when a similar event occures or once it feels safe these memories will reapear...

give it time. once your mind works out hoe to deal with a few of these memories the rest will be far easier (or so I'm told...). At least you know now... may seem likke a bad thing, but now you can resolve these issues and understand why you have done certain things in your life...

I wish you luck, keep working with your T and let them know how you feel, they should be able to help. No one can "take away the pain" as such, but it will lessen, there will be a way through this.

I am so sorry sweetie. I don't have any words to say right now. except that things do get better with time or so that's what everyone tells me...I am still waiting to find out for myself. I wish I could take the pain away....

thank you for all your kind words, it is much needed right now...

Shannon

I drink when I feel like I can't handle what's happening in my life. I've found that the people around you who really love you and want to help you are the ones who'll stop you from finding the easy ways out and be there for the long hard road ahead.

I am not good with my words but I wanted you to know that I care. Your experience sounds so familiar to my own - the panic feeling, putting the feelings with the memories. It did got better. My binge/bulemia disorder eased as I became more comfortable with my feelings. So hang in there.