[biiv]

When I was very small I had dreams that the door was looming towards me and there were big tall thin figures in it reaching for me. I would wake up and not be able to shake the terror. I remember getting out of bed once, pounding the bed and screaming for my mum because I couldn’t wake up. The babysitter eventually came and as soon as she made a noise I snapped out of it, said I was fine and got into bed. I was not sexually abused as a child.

When I had a fever when I was young reality would melt, my body would melt and run, everything I touched would melt like the figures in that door. I don’t know if I screamed or if I was too scared to. My dad held my hand once during it and I don’t remember how I felt about that except that his hand was melting too. I was so scared.

I hate him touching me. Hes such a good man and I think genuinely would be upset if he thought he ever hurt anyone. He hugs me a lot the last few years and every time I stop breathing and tense up. When I was about 20 I told him in a very even voice as we were crossing the street with my mother and sister to take his hand off my ***. He looked so shocked and hurt, like maybe he hadn’t realised he was doing it.

Ive seen him naked in his bedroom walking round with the door open. Ive seen him with his back to me in the bathroom peeing with the door open. We have a stained glass window in the bathroom door. I kept putting a curtain over it and my mother kept taking it down. Sometimes when Im half naked washing my hair he has stood outside talking and I can see his shape looking through the window. I don’t know what he can make out. He has never sexually abused me.

Ive been dreaming about him a lot recently. Spending the night in uncontrollable anger against him sometimes hitting or even killing him. Why do I hate him so much? He let me down in so many ways so many times but no ones perfect. He has so many of his own problems. More than I do im sure. Why do I feel such a huge weight fall off me and I can breathe easier every time he leaves the room. Why do I go dumb and reply like an automaton every time he comes in or speaks to me on the phone?

I was molested once as a child but not by him and it was fleeting and not harmful.

[hillbunnyb]

))))))))) )biiv ((( ( ((((((( Hi I haven't talked with you before, so I hope you don't take offence at what I am about to say:
Hon, do you have a therapist? I am hearing a lot of cnontradictions in your post. IMHO, your Dad was sexually harrassing you, at the least. My father was of similar ilk. Prancing around in his boxers flashing neighbor ladies, ets.

It was a power trip. Sexual abuse is a power trip.

It's really hard to get a clear perspective on our parents while growing up in their house. Things that happen in one's childhood home are "normal" to that household, even if other families wouldn't go there for money........

A therapist helps broaden our awareness of other options to the functioning patterns of a family. We get to think about ours in relation to others. The therapist provides all sorts of new information to add to the stew of our thoughts.

A good therapist helps us develope new skills, new patterns of behavior, etc. that make our lives our lives.

Having ucontrollable anger bubbling so near the surface says to me that you are ready to pop the boil. That takes help. Please consider finding a therapist, or incest survivors group. My county has rape crisis and battered women shelters who have all sorts of references to support services for women like us. Give yours a jingle and get hooked up, ok? Best to you.

[biiv]

Thanks for your reply Hillbunnyb. i have a therapist ive been seeing for a few months now and i think this is what is bringing up a lot of stuff for me. the last couple of weeks have been kinda hard so im really trying to get through stuff and actually face it instead of stuffing and ignoring frantically.

thing is its been impossible to say anything really to her so far. i wrote this thinking i might be able to get some feedback here on it and maybe bring it in to T but now that i see it in writing thats not going to happen any time soon. i cant even bring myself to reread it cos of wanting to avoid everything. i wrote something else though that i might be able to bring in. maybe. something ive spent two weeks staring at the floor talking in circles trying to get out so maybe maybe this week...

there just seems to be so much of everything. sigh.

thank you for your feedback and its nice to meet you. i try never to take offence to advice given in good faith btw.

take care of yourself
biiv

[Numbers]

(((biiv)))

[biiv]

(((is this the right place)))

goodnight

[FaithisAlive]

Hey.. I have stuffed things my whole life.. I am 43 now and still avoiding a great deal although i have come a long way.

When our minds block something too painful to deal with .. like someone we love so dearly hurting us so badly... it can be very painful when it starts to come to the surface..and its natural to avoid it if we can.

stay with it.. let the memories come.. be patient with yourself... don't try to make it all make sense .. it wil fall into place soon enough.. when you are able to handle the truth.Your fears and thoughts are not the way they are by accident. something happened.

Stay strong... there is healing. .and I have to disagree.. if a person is molested just once.. it changes who you are.. it does affect you somehow... I think you should investigate that incident so you can heal from that too... when the time is right.

[biiv]

Hi Faith,
thank you for answering. i know it was ages ago but i just couldnt answer when i read it first and then things got really busy for a while so sorry about the delay in acknowledging.

It really touched me that you answered so genuinely. i will try to take your advice about not trying to make it all make sense.

thank you for caring enough to actually read all that stuff and answer. it makes such a huge difference.

i hope you continue to have success in your own healing btw!

[JustAPixie]

(((((((( biiv )))))))))

[biiv]

thank you (((((tanyagrave)))))