[trdleblue]

Possible TW

I'm kind of embarrassed to ask this, but I am wondering if anyone else has this issue. (Particularly those that have been SA.) I am usually not a touchy feel-y person, and I am basically a loner. It has been a long time since I have been in a relationship. Every know and then though I crave interaction with men. Whenever I feel this way I end up making out with some stranger. At the time I have no issue with it, and typically feel good about what is going on. Within hours of it happening though I feel so disgusted with myself, and it leads me to some very dark thoughts. This happened last night, and I really want to try to be easy on myself, and just learn from my mistakes, but I just can't let go of the gross feeling, and I also know that it is my own doing which makes me think that I deserve to feel this way. I know I am rambling, but I am curious if anyone else ever does this and if so how do they stop?

[Teddy:)]

I do the same thing, Every now and then I feel this need to be close with someone sexually which always confuses me because I am so anti men. There was only one time where I ever fully followed through with it and I freaked out. I feel as though I have done something really bad and have in some ways sinned, I am not extremely religious but during this time even when I have a thought of being with a guy I feel I have to ask god for forgiveness. I can't really help you with your question because I am in the same headspace as you,' what do I do' but all I can say is that you aren't the only one who thinks this, so don't be embarrassed
Take care
Teddy

[Seiya]

I have done this before, and still sometimes do. It makes me wonder why I disrespect myself like that. Then I realized that loneliness can make a person act out of character. It's normal to want affection. I just work on being kinder to myself and finding the affection that I need from myself and from other people in my life. It's helping.

[Switch]

I do the same thing. I try and quell it by not making out with strangers but with friends at parties or with a friend with benefits, but sometimes strangers enter the picture.

Try not to beat on yourself too much. People are social creators and wanting to be touched is quite normal. The reason we beat on ourselves and feel gross is because of what we've been through. So that's why I try and stay safe and keep with friends because they know and they know most of my triggers.

Sometimes I do it because I want to be punished, and since the people I sleep with are friends they also know this and so I stay safe and have someone tell me it's okay and to keep things under control.

(((((hug))))) basically what I think I'm badly telling you is that this is normal and also you're not discussing or gross for doing it, that's only what your abuser "told you" when they hurt you.

[athena.agathon]

You are not disgusting and you are not doing something morally wrong. Please be gentle with yourself, and please try not to use everyone urging you to be gentle with yourself as a stick to beat yourself with (like, "gaaah, I even fail at self-compassion!!")

I was a serial make-out slut in college. I also often ended up in bed with random guys I didn't really want to have sex with and feeling like **** after. I gradually stopped (without actually "working" on stopping) partly because I graduated from college and stopped being in so many situations where it was a possibility and partly because I started to be able to love myself more and to take in the love/comfort/affection that was available to me from people I cared about (so those needs started getting met in ways that didn't make me feel like such a hot mess) and I didn't need to do that so much to get what I needed.

It sounds like you might be pretty lonely and you aren't getting some basic human needs met, like the needs for intimacy and connection and physical comfort. Like Switch and Seiya said, it's totally normal to need those things. And you're creatively improvising a way to get them. It isn't bad! You are doing the best you can.

[trdleblue]

Thank you all for your responses. I'm still upset with myself. I was hoping that he wouldn't contact me, but he did today. For some reason that makes me feel even worse.

You are right in saying that I am not getting needs met. I know this and have known this for some time. I don't really get close to people, and am pretty much on my own. I'm trying to make changes and let people in my life, but I am always somewhat guarded.

[Switch]

Good luck trtleblue. I hope you find more people in your life rather than being on your own.

Have you tried going to resource centres or groups for people with mental health issues? You might have an easier time finding people who will understand and sympathize with what you're going through and I know resource centres put on groups that are for people with mental health but can be anything like a walking club, sports, arts and crafts groups, or parties for the holidays. Maybe try and open up with some people in a safe space who you don't have to worry about judging you.

[Open Eyes]

((trdleblue))),

Also, it is normal after being traumatized or even sexually abused to have times where you "make it happen" so you can "try" to overcome the feeling of how you were a victim. But there are so many "other" elements to the damage that what you try leaves out "trust and actually having a relationship included in the act of intimacy".
That is why you tend to have these bad feelings afterwards. You are "trying" to face the fear, and that isn't so bad, but there is more to that fear then just the physical.

I have a feeling that what you are thinking (maybe unknowingly) is that if you can "desensitize" yourself to the physical act itself, then it may allow you to "try" to consider the other components of a "trusting relationship".

I also think you "want" to "own your own sexuality" and you "push yourself" for that reason, however, you can't seem to get past the reminder of whatever happened that left you feeling something was wrong.

Have you talked to a therapist about this by chance? A therapist that specializes in sexual abuse will understand this and might provide you with other ways to address this challenge.

(((Hugs)))
OE

[blueredgrey]

Dear trtleblue,

I'm so sorry you were sexually abused.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. All that shame, guilt you feel should be felt by your abuser.

Like many people who have said here - Human beings crave interaction, affection, love....we are a very social creature.

SA ppl have a warped sense of affection - they feel that they need to sexual to get some affection from ppl and since their affection and love was never met (in most case unmet by parents), they behave sexually with strangers, but deep down still looking for the unmet affection. Also, when you are introduced to sex too early in life, it messes with the brain. Brain starts craving the chemical released after sex and thus desperately craves that chemical....thus forces us to be in a position to get sex....no matter from where you get it. It doesn't happen when you are introduced to sex at an appropriate age.

What you are doing is something most sexually abused people do. But doesn't mean that you shouldn't do something about it.....since such a sexual behavior is extremely risky.

I was addicted to mas'bating and it was a compulsive behavior. I can't say that I am over it....but it has definitely become less compulsive.

1. Healing from your wounds is the best way to stop this behavior. Pls work with your therapist and specifically talk to your therapist about sex addiction.
2. Talk to yourself that having sex with strangers is risky and dangerous. Celebrate days when you are able to stop yourself by doing something good for yourself (ice cream treat....retail therapy??). Don't be hard on the days you fail. Just talk to yourself more.
It takes time and the process is painfully slow, but you'd get there!!
3. Join some sort of hobby or volunteer - say at your local church or an animal shelter. Learn some course - you'd learn something and maybe make new friends.
4. Maybe you can live with a roommate....it wd help you with the rent and you'd get a companion.
5. Work on making new friends. Maybe you'd fail initially.....it would take a little effort.....but more you work on it....you'd definitely make some friends. I don't think you crave a lonely life....but probably you have trouble making friends (i do too.....and it took a lot of effort for me to throw away negative friends and start behaving normal socially)
6. Read as much as you can about sexual addiction in women. Read about healthy and unhealthy sex. Knowledge is power.
7. Try something like abstinence for short period - start with 10 days.....try for a month.....try for 3 months.....and so on, till you stop craving unhealthy sex and see sex as a relationship between 2 adults....with a person you are committed to. (I once managed to stop it for 80 days....there are days when you succeed, days when you fail.....you have to keep trying till you succeed)
8. Try alternative ways to meet your needs....like mas'bation
9. Talk to a psychiatrist....if it's an obsessive compulsive behavior, there may be ways by which popping pills can help you.
10. Somewhere down the line, working on self-esteem always help. Exercise - it really helps you feel good and makes you respect your body. Work on looking your best.......when you take efforts on you - you start respecting yourself and don't want to abuse your body with meaningless sex. Get respect and admiration from others starts with respect and admiring and taking care of yourself.

I'm sorry if I misunderstood anything ....hope it helps you....coz it in a way helped me.

Good luck!!

Originally Posted by trdleblue

..... Every now and then though I crave interaction with men. Whenever I feel this way I end up making out with some stranger.....

Hi... how you doing??



Sorry if my weak attempt at humor did not come across okay. I can kinda relate with you. Sounds like you could be a candidate for BPD. Do not beat yourself up too much..... I would wager you are an awesome person - you just have not met a person who is good enough to really motivate you to open up to them and to hold on to you.

[athena.agathon]

Originally Posted by trdleblue

You are right in saying that I am not getting needs met. I know this and have known this for some time. I don't really get close to people, and am pretty much on my own. I'm trying to make changes and let people in my life, but I am always somewhat guarded.

This may be a cheap logic trick but it kinda works for me, so here goes: if you had a friend in your position, would you tell her what a disgusting slut she is who deserves to feel shame and guilt? (I hope not!) So, please don't do that to yourself!

[Rosondo]

Originally Posted by Switch

Sometimes I do it because I want to be punished, and since the people I sleep with are friends they also know this and so I stay safe and have someone tell me it's okay and to keep things under control.

I'm curious, but how is making out with friends or even strangers a punishment? You mean to say you find the act so disgusting and gross that it is a punishment to you to engage in it?