[Neeter]

Hello everyone. My name is Anita but everyone calls me Neeters. This is the first time I've ever written about what I'm going through and right now just really needed some guidance and support. It took me almost 5 years and a very close and dear friend of mine to point out to me that it wasn't me... I am in a very emotionally and verbally abusive relationship and I'm finally try to gett the courage to leave. I have two amazing children (they are not his) that really are my driving force. He is not only verbal to me but also to them and it has gotten worse. I am feeling so many emotions right now I'm having a hard time trying to control them, but I will not and cannot let him see how he is effecting me. Two weeks ago I finally manned up so to speak and went and filled out paperwork to apply for low income housing (this past September, I recently quit my management job and have gone back to school). It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I think so well one of the bravest. I told a complete stranger about my situation, which I lived in denial for so many years. She was absolutely amazing and even while I cried she still kept me laughing and smiling. I received a call last week on Thursday that they had gotten me housing already due to my situation. Even though I was scared and nervous I went and viewed it. But I still had my doubts should I stay, he's been so good, but that always changes when the kids come from their dad's (we rotate week on week off). I asked for signs, show me what I should do. First couple days the kids came back not too bad, but yesterday it started. He once again put my daughters in tears and I stood up for her and he belittled me and i fought back. I've started to stand up more and more, but then I feel horrible after. Last night I felt anger and sadness. I cried myself to sleep. Today started relatively decent, he spent some time with my son, but that has all gone to you know what. I have to call tomorrow about this place and my heart is hurting, and I feel weak, but my head is telling me that this is for the best interest for my kids and for me. I am afraid of being alone, afraid of the hurt and pain to come, and just looking for some support and a swift kick in the butt lol. Thanks for letting me share.

[blueredgrey]

Dear Neeters,

Sorry for all that you are going thru. You are making the absolutely right decision to protect your kids from an abusive step-father.

Kids are vulnerable and should be protected. If the very people who are supposed to protect them let them down....where will they turn to? Research shows that even in homes where kids are not abused but spouse takes all the abusive spouse's crap, it does affect them heavily.

One of the reasons why many women (and men too!) stay in bad relationships because it's a cycle. Spouse behaves badly.....victim talks of bad behavior and asks them to improve, spouse improves for a few days, victim feels that they've drilled some sense into spouse and there's peace and quiet at home for few days....until spouse behaves badly again and the cycle repeats....almost to the point that victim starts feeling that this is "normal".

If abuse has got bad progressively...it would get even worse as they grow older.

Kudos for your decision....not many women arrive at it, unfortunately. It indeed would create a safer abuse-free environment for your kids. If you can afford it, then therapy can be...well...therapeutic.

We're here to support you....Good luck!!

[Switch]

I'm very proud of you for taking the steps to get out. It's really hard and what you are doing is an amazing feat. I'm also very proud of you for standing up to him, especially in front of your kids, because this proves that he is wrong and what he said to them is wrong and that their mother still cares about them. They, as well as you, are going to need to be told they are worthy and loved.

Lots of hugs and support. Stay strong. I know it's hard to talk about and to admit but you are doing the right thing, for you and for your kids.

[Neeter]

Thanks so much ladies. It is so hard for me and I can see the cycle and absolutely hate seeing it over and over again. The kids have left to go back to their dad's for a week and he has already changed into the ideal partner. I feel like I'm getting sucked back in and my head is telling me no and my heart is telling me yes. Has anyone else felt like this? I am a tough cookie and don't like these feeling of doubting myself.

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[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Neeter

Thanks so much ladies. It is so hard for me and I can see the cycle and absolutely hate seeing it over and over again. The kids have left to go back to their dad's for a week and he has already changed into the ideal partner. I feel like I'm getting sucked back in and my head is telling me no and my heart is telling me yes. Has anyone else felt like this? I am a tough cookie and don't like these feeling of doubting myself.

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I forget, the statistic, but it's something like, it will take a woman 14 attempts, to leave her abuser, before she finally does, and sticks by her decision.

How quaint, now your kids are gone, for the week, and he's back to 'good' behavior. No wonder, it takes many attempts to leave.

Healthy couples don't waffle about staying/leaving. It's not, at forethought, because it's not an issue, they are healthy.

How long, have you been together, and has he ever been physical?

Glad you got a housing bump up, that's sign enough...sure you realize it's a one-two year wait, normally...


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[Neeter]

I know. It's funny how that cycle starts up again. Interesting but very true comment about the couples... I need to remember things like that.

We have almost been together 5 years but really started living together three years ago. He has thrown me off the bed and is always in my face, but not yet has touched me.

I heard that about housing and completely agree with you. That part of me is scared too.

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[healingme4me]

It took, about a couple years for things to get physical with my exh. Met 2001, first sign of future physical struggling began 5/25/06. Then pushing, shoving. Slapped in face 5/25/09. (5/25, was wedding anniversary). Even, in divorce, right now, there's a restraining order.
There was more verbal, than physical. .
You are fortunate, your kids,,aren't his. You don't have to deal with him, you can walk away.

Hope you meant, funny=ironic, not funny=haha?

It's more confusing, with no broken bones, bruises, scratches, I get that.

Would he toss you, under the bus, if he had a chance? Took me, a while, to realize, my ex would. When you realize, the payback is a b****, applies to even someone, they profess 'love', to, is when you realize, what they say, isn't what they mean...

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[blueredgrey]

Dear Neeter,

It's very difficult to realise that you are in an abusive relationship and even more difficult to walk out of it. It's not unusual what you feel - heart tells you that "bad is over....if you just try a little, things would work out" while your head tells you "I've seen this before....nothing will change"

Well....from a stranger's perspective - if he's thrown you out of bed....if he makes your kids cry....if he's abusive to your kids....you cannot stay in this relationship.

Abusive person may be abusive because that's what they saw as children in relationship. What you learn as a child is very difficult to unlearn. Abusive people NEVER change overnight. It takes a long therapy and self analysis for them to change.

Author of book "Love Must be Tough" says that it takes a drastic change for men to mend their ways and improve.

All that you are seeing now, will not last. If you can, talk to a therapist (even for just 1 session) and decide what you want to do.

Good luck!!

[Aloneandafraid]

I am in a very similar situation. Two kids, married for 22 years. Its hell. I have told a couple of friends which hasn't been a good move as they are constantly getting me to do something about it and I just don't have the energy. He shouts and swears at me all the time in front of the kids. Now they treat me the same way as their father. I don't have any self esteem or self worth left. I know I should do something - even answer back - but I don't have any energy left. I am broken. I have no family I can turn to and just feel totally alone with this living hell.

I am so pleased for you that you have made the first move and I hope all goes well for you. It is good to reach out here. There are some great supportive people here.

Thinking of you and wishing you all the best. xx

[nicoleflynn]

I got a divorce after 31 years of verbal abuse. The book, The Verbally Abusive Relatioinship by Patricia Evans saved my lie. I hope you will read it and get into counseling for yourself. Love and hugs, Nicole

[Neeter]

Thank you for all your amazing replies. I never looked at it from a child's perspective and I definitely do not want them growing up and treating their own children like that. I am definitely going to try that book and see if I can purchase it on Kindle today. I wish there was an off button to turn my feelings off haha. I know unrealistic but some days it would be nice.

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