[growlithing]

This thread is triggering for physical abuse and CSA and probably rape.

I was emotionally and physically abused by both of my parents. That I know for sure. Recently, I've been recalling really foggy memories of potential CSA at the hands of my father and I don't know what to do with it.

I remember the weight of my dad on top of me. He would just randomly pull me to the ground, or knock me over as I walked past, and lied on top of me. I would scream and tell him to get off of me and he'd just laugh. I couldn't breathe and I'd try to fight him off. He'd just laugh as I struggled.

This memory is foggy though. I know it happened quite frequently. I'm really wondering if there isn't something more in this that I don't remember because just randomly pinning your daughter and lying on top of her sounds really weird without any sexual behavior. I have other really foggy memories of him coming into my room at night or wiping me really hard when I was too old to be wiped. Other than these memories and the memories of him physically abusive, my dad was completely distant from me. He never spoke to me. He just ignored me even though we lived in the same house.

I don't know what to make of these memories. Am I just trying to fill the memories in too quickly or does this behavior sound really bizarre/questionable?

[transient]

Originally Posted by growlithing

I don't know what to make of these memories. Am I just trying to fill the memories in too quickly or does this behavior sound really bizarre/questionable?

I can relate to you on a small level, and I won't get into it, but to me, what you remember does sound like questionable behavior on your dad's part.
If you have a T and are able to bring this up, I suggest you do. They might say that it's best to try not to remember, or it could just be a dream etc., but they shouldn't invalidate you.
You question whether you're making it up, or if it really happened, and it's tough, I know. It's possible that these memories were real occurrences, but even if they aren't, what you feel as a result of them is real. I hope that you take care of yourself as you go through this

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by transient

I can relate to you on a small level, and I won't get into it, but to me, what you remember does sound like questionable behavior on your dad's part.

If you have a T and are able to bring this up, I suggest you do. They might say that it's best to try not to remember, or it could just be a dream etc., but they shouldn't invalidate you.

You question whether you're making it up, or if it really happened, and it's tough, I know. It's possible that these memories were real occurrences, but even if they aren't, what you feel as a result of them is real. I hope that you take care of yourself as you go through this

The knocking me over and lying on me part I know happened. I just don't know if there isn't meow to that that I don't remember. The other memories are more dream-like and I'm not sure they were real or not.

I don't know what to do with the memory of him lying on me. I think it was abusive but if I take the memory just as it is without wondering if he actually raped me or something, I don't know how to classify it. It still could be some sort of atypical sexual abuse if he was doing that for some sort of pleasure which I think he was. It's too weird to think that he wasn't doing it for a sexual reason.

I don't know. I'll sit down with my T about it as soon as I can. It's just too much.

[blueredgrey]

Dear growlithing,

What you've described is not normal. No father sleeps on top of his daughter, unless he has other intentions. Your gut feeling is sometimes right.

A hug may be a caring hug or a sexual hug......weird thing is.....in our gut we do read it as "something doesn't feel right".

Your father did hurt you physically and emotionally and possibly sexually. Work with your therapist. Take your time and let memories come to you and don't force it.

Good luck!!

[CrimsonBlues]

Originally Posted by blueredgrey

Dear growlithing,

What you've described is not normal. No father sleeps on top of his daughter, unless he has other intentions. Your gut feeling is sometimes right.

A hug may be a caring hug or a sexual hug......weird thing is.....in our gut we do read it as "something doesn't feel right".

Your father did hurt you physically and emotionally and possibly sexually. Work with your therapist. Take your time and let memories come to you and don't force it.

Good luck!!

Hello growlithing-

I agree with blueredgrey-there is often a part of us that feels something isn't right. I struggle with PTSD and many memories of traumatic events have been etched in my mind but in other examples some parts of the events are not clear. I can remember how something started and then the memory just shuts off. I know it's common that parts of traumatic events can be lost, not in our memories, and we're left with a bunch of snapshots or flashes, as I call them, of memories and that can make us question ourselves. It can be very difficult and very painful to try to reconstruct the entire event. A agree with the other people who posted, the behavior of your father does sound questionable. Something about those moments have remained with you and I think it might be helpful to look to that fact to help you piece this together, of that is what you wish to do. I am sorry for the physical abuse you endured and for everything else that might be uncovered. I wish you peace and strength as you work through all of this.

[Soulsisters]

Hi,

I am 46 and only remembered about my grandfather when I was terribly ill. It was like a slide show and hazy.

The images cleared and I know what happened.

You only remember as much as you are ready to see.

Be strong