[granite1]

the mother just called me to let me know that her bff's daughter died. the problem is her son molested me for years and attempted to rape me once. when the mother found out she called me a slut,beat the crap out of me,and then dragged me to church to confess my sins. she said if his mother (her BFFknew I said this it would kill her) he friendship was all that mattered to her.not me. now she has asked me to go to this funeral in her honor and I said no. I know her bff's son (my abuser will be there) im not willing to face that at all .the mother and I have never talked about this at all after what she did to me . now she is angry I wont go . once again it is all about her friend.. screw me. now it is all about me being selfish and how she will never ask of me anything again (if I could be so lucky)

[krisakira]

You are not selfish, and I'm really sorry your mother reacted that way about being raped. I had people react badly to me being raped, saying it was my fault, and it really takes a toll on your recovery process. Just wanted to let you know that I read your post, and I am sorry that this is happening to you. I know what it is like being around abusers, because my mother and father are both my abusers. It is really tough but I have not seen them in three years but I am being pushed into seeing them this summer. Anyway, enough about me. Do you have a therapist you can talk to about this? Because it sounds like you need a professional to give you advice on how to handle this situation. There are 2 options, go or don't go. You will have to weigh the pros and cons of going and not going. I know right now you just want to vent and that is fine, you can vent here some more, I encourage it. If you go, know that I will be a pocket rider, and if you don't go, you are still in my thoughts. Take good care of yourself. Do what you need to do. I hope you are old enough that your mom will let you stay home if you need to. You may need to just suffer through her guilt trips in order to do what you need to do. Just rambling some. But hope something I've said has helped, even if it is just that I have read your post and that I care about you. Take care.

[unaluna]

I think its not even about honoring the bff. If you show up, it makes the mother look like a big shot. It even seems cruel to me, she is saying to her bff, that the bff is not as good a mother as she was - her daughter (you) is still obeying her by showing up and even staying alive. Thats the problem with living inauthentically, telling other people what to do. Your thread title is absolutely right, in a million different ways.

Granite, I'm sorry that so many bad memories were brought up by this one phone call. IMO you are doing a good job of taking care of you and having good boundaries. What was it CE said... "get your coats on kids we're going on a guilt trip"... don't let the mother guilt you into doing something that will not be good for you.

[sweepy62]

Granite so sorry you went through that, you should not have to face your abuser .you were invalidated enough. In my oppinion I would not want you to face that, if you dont mind me being blunt.

[SoupDragon]

I am sorry you are facing this. She sound as if she is so focused on herself, that in your words, she realIy does have no f'in clue. You don't have to depend on her to keep you safe anymore, you can give yourself permission to do that for "you". Do you need to go? Take care, Soup.

I'm very, very sorry that this happened to you. Your mother should have been there to protect, help, & support you. She should never of protected her bff & the bff's son. Your mother should never expect you to go knowing that you'll be faced with your abuser. That is unacceptable! You should tell your mother no way and remind her of what happened to you. I'm sorry that you will relive the memories of this horrible experience. But in my opinion you should not be violated again.

[granite1]

thanks for all this support everyone . I told her I was not going to go .I couldn't say anything to her about why and that conversation will never happen because she is so insane. I would be terrified to talk about it .last time was many years ago and it was a social worker who was actually talking about it asking her why she never pressed charges . after that she has pretended it never happened .in fact the only reason she finely believed me that he did this stuff is because he also abused my brother and he said something to her .she had this friend even come to my wedding when I got married. she had had me take her to breakfast dates to meet up with this woman. she just doesn't get it or care.

[krisakira]

One thing you could do is fake being sick on the day of the funeral and not go... that's something I would do.