[chelsea89]

Since I was 5 years old my narcissistic mother has sent me to psychiatric inpatient facilities for "suicide attempts", "manic episodes", and "aggression". I was traumatized by many things in my life (my father was on drugs and eventually ended up in prison for 4 years, my mother told us he was dead and when I was 12 he came back, I was beaten severely by my dad, mom, grandparents, and mother's friend), but the thing that stands out from all of them is the abuse suffered at the inpatient facilities.
There I was nothing, not a person, not an individual, just their study item. I would protest the medications that made me feel horrible, I would try to tell them that my mother was lying to them and that I wasn't suicidal but it was never taken into account. I tried to tell them that my mother in a drunken state had "restrained" me for not agreeing with her or doing the dishes et al. But again no one heard me. Everything I did was judged and wrongfully interpreted. And when I was raped by one of the staff in a facility when I was 8 years old the vaginal trauma was self-inflicted.
I remember being put into isolation rooms for hours or days, I was young so I probably interpreted the timeframe as more than it was, for not being able to sleep and asking for my mom too many times. Now that I'm an adult I've been trying to get the misdiagnosis sorted out, but I'm finding that even as an adult, I'm not considered in their diagnostic process. One psychologist looked at an inpatient report from the time I was 14 which stated that I was aggressive and defiant and labeled me BPD based on that report. The things I told him about my past were horribly twisted in the report as well. My grandfather who has never so much as touched a cigarette in his life was on drugs in the report.
The report from when I was 14 is very interesting as well. I was locked up for 9 months for "slitting my wrists". I've never self-harmed, there are no scars on my arms legs, stomach et al, because it just never happened. But they held me there and finally took me off of the Seroquel and Adderall I had been on for Bipolar and ADHD because the then 6 year diagnosis of Bipolar was found to be a misdiagnosis. Here is an excerpt from that report (name has been changed to my screen name for privacy.)
Mental Status Exam
Chelsea is a petite 14 year old with clear skin and light, strawberry blond hair. She was initially very polite and quiet. She gained momentum and speed with her speech as she went along. She sounded anxious as she talked. When asked about this she responded she was anxious because she needed to convince me there was nothing wrong with her. She also went on to diagnose herself with PTSD and agoraphobia. She was very clear about not trusting doctors or medications she might be put on. Her speech was coherent and of normal rate and volume, though, she did speed up her speech and sound anxious as noted above. She describes her mood as fair and admits to some anxiety. She also admits to some past history of depression. She has a clear tendency to blame other people for her moods and her responses. She expressed a great deal of anger toward her mother who she feels is solely responsible for her multiple diagnoses and placements. She denies any suicidal or homicidal ideation, though earlier this morning she stated she was going to starve herself because she would rather be in a physical hospital than a mental hospital. She agrees at this time that she will eat and that she will not follow through with this threat. This was based on feedback given to her that any physical hospitalization would ultimately end and she would return to this placement at the end of such hospitalization. Though she responded rather quickly to what made sense to her as an unwinnable situation. Her intelligence is above average with a strong use of vocabulary and evidence of a strong knowledge of the mental health system and the DSM diagnostic criteria. Her judgment is limited with impulsivity and limited coping strategies and her insight is probably limited as well. It is my suspicion that much of what Chelsea reported had strains of truth in them, but was likely laced with exaggerations based on her fairly dramatic presentation of her history.
diagnostic Impression
Axis 1: Oppositional Defiant Disorder
R/O ADHD combined type
R/O Mood Disorder NOS
She has previously been diagnosed with Bipolar Affective Disorder but it seems to be more personality based problems than Axis 1 based problems from my impressions from my interview with her today. Her most recent diagnosis from the Genesis program was of Adjustment Disorder with depressed and anxious mood and ADHD both of which make sense in terms of her presentation.
Axis 2: Borderline narcissistic and histrionic features fitting into a cluster B personality Spectrum.

Recommendations
At this time I would recommend we go along with Chelsea's plan of trial off medications. She's been on a relatively low does of both Adderall and Seroquel and it may or may not have been helping with her primary symptomatology of impulsivity and labile affect. I would like to give her some time off medication to see how she presents in a structured setting with no treatment medications on board. We will watch for symptoms of mania and depression. We will also watch for anxiety symptoms, PTSD symptoms, as well as ADHD symptoms.

Now I posted all of that to say this. My treatment history dates back to the age of 5. I was diagnosed ADHD. Sometime between then and the time I was 10 I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. I had been hospitalized a myriad of times between those five years as well. At the age of 10 I was diagnosed ODD, ADHD, MDD. By the end of that 9 month institutionalization when I was 14 these were my diagnosis in addition to the PTSD.

Axis 1: Oppositional Defiant Disorder 313.81
ADHD 314.01
Axis 2: Borderline personality features 301.83
Narcissistic Personality Features 301.81
And I found it funny that I "lacked insight" but they went along with my recommendations and I was 14!
So how do I get these people to listen to me and quit labeling me because of my past with my mother and the fact that I've been abused? I know that I don't fit the personality disorder spectrum. I have been with my husband for going on 9 years now and we've had our disputes over money or the kids etc but nothing out of the realm of a normal marriage. I'm not horribly impulsive. I graduated college with a 4.0 and worked up until last year when I was laid off because the new Obama care law was coming into effect and I happened to be a full-time pharmacy technician who's insurance would have cost the company too much. I don't threaten suicide and beyond the realm of normal manipulations (i.e. If you don't behave Santa will give you coal for Christmas type of manipulations and people use regularly). I have a lot of anxiety, panic attacks, nightmares, and times that are particularly stressful overwhelm me and I won't sleep until I'm psychotic or unstable. But that in and of itself doesn't meet the criteria for a personality disorder, anyone who stays up for 6 days would be that way, especially someone with PTSD chronic.
I feel like I'm being abused all over again with these notions that I have anything other than PTSD. I'm more functional than some "sane" adults but if I were to go to court over my children, or something were to happen legally, I'm not able to do anything about it because I'm "mentally ill" or "mentally unstable" on paper. I want to be free from this!

From chat room, as promised ...

I'd see if I could get the BPD thing changed to PTSD for sure.

Borderline has so many negative connotations associated with it and many "better" doctors are starting to shy away from assigning that label as they're figuring out that for many survivors of long term abuse, they aren't borderline after all but rather suffering from PTSD and Complex PTSD.

I had been assigned the BPD label by one doctor in the county mental health system and before I relocated to another part of the state the other doctor told me that I wasn't BPD that I was C-PTSD and changed it on paper so the "nightmare" of a BPD diagnosis wouldn't continue to follow me around.

I guess another way you could handle it would be to start out with a new therapist and don't reveal any past diagnoses or anything. Maybe if you're lucky, you'll get one who won't continue to hang millstones around your neck ... A lot of therapists are shying away from even labeling at all now as they're beginning to realize that it can hinder a person when it comes to employment, etc.

I wish I had more to offer ...