[shezbut]

I absolutely HATE myself ~ that is a non-stop fact.

Yet, I cannot help but wonder how many other survivors of abuse are tormented with thoughts and imagination that haunts them day & night, for years and years! WHY must I even have thoughts like these pop into my head?? Please...help me understand myself so I can explain it to my T on Tuesday!

I just feel this major anxiety and shame that immediately comes with horrible images that strike inside my brain every once in a while. Images that I'd never act upon! Yet, why would I even have these images, if that's the case?? I don't understand myself at all. I must be some sick B that deserves to rot in misery....

[Turtleboy]

you are certainly not some sick B shez, you are a wonderful sweet person and you don't deserve any of this

[CrimsonBlues]

Hello shezbut-

I am so sorry that you are suffering so much-it truly is not fair. I understand what you describe. I was abused and traumatized throughout my childhood and I have struggled with the effects of that ever since then. I always assumed that what I was thinking and feeling-all the pain and shame and anxiety and depression-were just parts of my defective personality and it filled me with self-hate. It's only in the last few years that I finally understood what has been going on inside of me-understandable and common symptoms of being abused. I know now that I struggle with PTSD. What you describe sounds like PTSD but I, of course, have no way of knowing that for certain. If you're meeting with a therapist I would bring up that very real possibility. Whether it's PTSD or something else, what you are talking about is not because there is something wrong or bad about you and you most definitely do NOT deserve to rot in misery. In fact, the opposite is true. You deserve happiness and peace and love. People who have been abused have to suffer from the abuse itself but it doesn't end there. It keeps attacking us and wounding us and causing incredible amounts of pain and anguish. There is nothing fair or deserving about that. I work on healing from my wounds every day. I have to re-learn how to think of myself. My automatic thought process is to feel self-hate and self-doubt and self-blame and I have to work on getting around those thoughts and assumptions. It is very hard to do that so I completely understand why you are in that same mind set-but it isn't true. You are "just" struggling with the symptoms of being abused. Those symptoms can trick us and make us believe we are bad-but it is not true. Talk to your therapist and ask them about the effects of abuse/trauma because it sounds like that is what you are battling with. I wish you all the best-because that is what you deserve!

[Classique143]

I came to this site for the same reason. Self-loathing and the constant self-doubt accompanied by consistent feelings of being overwhelmed or not good enough to get through daily life. As much as your post saddens me, because it means you've gone through trauma as well, it comes as a comfort to know we are not alone nor abnormal in our thoughts and feelings. My spouse just got me a book today titled Healing From Trauma by Jasmin Lee Cori. It's helping me identify behaviors and why (so far). I'm very critical of these sorts of books and have tried a few but this one seems to make me feel comforted and knowledgable. You might try it. If not come here and talk about it. There's people out here that do identify with you and know that nothing you are feeling is abnormal. Best wishes !

[glitches]

Every day. Almost every minute and if there is a minute without then I am feeling guilty for seemingly dwelling on the bad and not being able to suck it up. It's horrible. Thoughts of hate toward myself for everything. It was over 10 years ago. But I am not sure but I am going through a rough patch right now and it might be making it worse.

I watch people laughing and joking and I can do that. I can make 'em laugh too. But I wonder if when they walk away their smile disappears because it was as fake as mine and if it doesn't then why can't mine be real?

[allme]

I think it's all too common for survivors of abuse to feel tormented. I know I am. And I know a lot of my issues stem from the abuse but you know what? They don't have control over us anymore, they only have the control we allow them to have. All that crap is in the past now, they can't hurt you anymore I hope you find the peace you deserve

[nummy]

You are not alone in this. I swear if people saw my soul, it would be so heavy, like a black hole....it's not almost physical... it IS physical.

Hoping meds can take the edge off. What a way to live.

I just wanted to tell you shezbut, that you are not alone in this.
I'm sorry I don't really have any words to answer your question, but I hope you know that you aren't alone.

[beauflow]

I often times am told I torment myself for not moving forward. I get told it's not easy, but to try to be aware of my thoughts.
If I start to dwell on past incidents and I catch myself - to remind myself, that was the past. I'm here in the now. Using those grounding skills to come back to now.
If I get horrible thoughts, like sui or homi thoughts, to catch myself and ask where and why these thoughts come from. Explore my feelings. The cause and effect.
It's not easy, it takes practice. I suspect my whole life it'll be practice.

I tend to go into guilt and shame, as you mention with the thoughts. But I can at times remind myself they are thoughts, my actions of not doing harm means so much.
The reaction of guilt and shame are highly likely tied with the torment.

Perhaps this won't make sense but in away, with my upbringing, it makes a bit of sense for the thoughts. I was taught violence got the right way .. Punishment for doing "wrong" was violence and hurt with physical or emotional.
Though I must stress just because I was brought up that way doesn't mean I have to continue it. I questioned it long ago ....

Shezbut you don't deserve any of this torment. You don't deserve this enormous guilt and shame.

I hope your t can help guide you in a way that helps you.


You are a lovely being on this earth, you continue to try, you've learned and continue to learn.
You've also had break throughs too. Don't forget those...

Many well thoughts your way.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((( shez )))))))))
You're a wonderful, caring and sweet person who deserves only good things

[nicoleflynn]

I told myself a long time ago......that I REFUSED to feel shame/guilt or anger at myself for what someone else has done!

[someone321]

I only want to say that you are not alone this (however, I cannot say how common it is - just speaking for myself). I am "tormented" by thoughts and images everyday for at least 20 years - so time doesn't heal all (I would even say "any") wounds... Maybe the therapy will do it - I'll see...

[Sophie0126]

I'm still new here. Your comments hit some nerves. Tormented everyday. From the time I was 7, I've been told that I'm not good enough, never good enough... I know that I need to hug the little girl in me and assure her that things are not that way...but I've heard it all my life. There are many days than not where I wish I could exchange this heart and brain of mine, and get a new ones so I can have a fresh clean slate.

You are not alone.

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by Sophie0126

I know that I need to hug the little girl in me and assure her that things are not that way...

Thank you for your understanding and support, Sophie0126. The words spoken above remind me of how many times I've ever thought, I never was a little girl. I never even wanted to be a little girl, because I always viewed it so negatively.

A large part of me is sad for that empty space inside of my "childhood". I can't help but wonder why I have always had such a very strong negative view of being a child!

There was no safe age in my family. My grandfather (my so-called "Godfather) literally kicked everyone around, regardless of their age. My uncles weren't much older than I was: 8 to 13 years. My aunt was 14 or 15 years older. I have to stop.. something inside of my brain is making my body freak out as I type this.