[Jordy]

This is a quite difficult topic for me to mention, but I have barely slept last night because I've been thinking about this too much.

Last spring my T/Pdoc was willing to start Trauma work with me, from the first session on I told I've been sexually abused and raped by my grandpa at age 6 and by my brother when I was 9 to 13. So I thought she knew what she was getting into.

But after the first session on trauma work, she told me that what my brother had done to me was much worse than she would have expected, that she hadn't realized how bad it really was. And after the second session on this she decided to postpone trauma work until I am out of the house it all happenned in.

I've always wondered why the little I told her was worse than she expected as I've always told her he raped me, so what's left to be worse.
But last night I realized that during that session her attitude changed a bit when I said he also raped me anally... so would that be what she didn't expect? Is **** raped considered "worse" than vaginal rape?

I know I should probably aske her, but that would be so akward...

[someone321]

I am not sure if now she thinks that it is much worse than she thought before because of the type of rape - maybe it's because you gave her some details and she started imagining that? E.g. here, where I live now, **** rape is not a rape at all (according to the law at least) but I cannot judge which of them is worst - both are extremely horrific...
My exT also knew from the beginning what happened but when I told him some details, he could not handle it at all - and I was also surprised what he had expected, he had known what happened, he wanted to hear some details so why couldn't he handle them? That's why I think that maybe giving some details makes Ts imagining it and that's why it becomes more difficult for them then we would think?

Already from your previous posts I realized that our stories are similar with respect to abusers, age, actions etc... I have recently started trauma work but my current T doesn't want to hear anything about what has happened - she also says that it's too early (for me but I am wondering if it's not the case that she cannot handle it). My T only knows who and when but not what...

[someone321]

Okay, now we both know which one is worse from the censorship (one type of r**e which you mentioned was replace by **** while the second one no...)

PS. Sorry for not using *** - usually I do that but in this case I wanted to follow the same style as the first post...

[Jordy]

don't worry about it.... I tend not to censor myself, as that would only make me feel even worse. I hadn't even realized I had been censored in my first post...

you may be right that my T started imagining what happenned to me... during the second session she tried to make the talk about the **** part again, but I didn't. She hadn't realized that I wasn't talking about the same night as the previous session, and that didn't happen on this occasion. Si I guess she thought I was leaving it out, while I was talking about a totally different, but yet very similar event... But I only realized that after the session, so I didn't tell her...

I've been thinking so much about all this lately that i think it's time to do some more trauma work. Even if we keep it a bit lighter until I move out... because not talking about it isn't helping me at all at the moment. I can't sleep, when I do I have nightmares, today I've spent my day in bed trying to keep busy so I wouldn't binge eat, and I have to force myself to stay in tonight so I don't get wasted... nope, the not talking is not working!

[someone321]

My exT told me that he was imaging it, that's why I thought that maybe your T does it as well but of course you'll know that only if she tells you...

Yes, I agree that not talking about it doesn't help - I practised that for many years
But I just wanted to "warn" you from talking too fast/much about it - it also doesn't help... When I realized that my exT was interested in my story and he wanted to hear some details - I gave him some (just three small episodes but still)... During the whole day, I felt great (maybe because I haven't had told anyone before) but from next day... The whole month after was just a disaster (okay maybe also because my exT had no idea about the trauma work but I'm not sure if it was the real reason).
Maybe it is also the reason why my current T said that now I shouldn't tell her any details... And she's very experienced in trauma work, I guess she knows that it would only cause more problems. She said that first I have to be very stable, so no problems with sleeping, eating, working, no nightmares etc. And only when I am stable we'll start "real" trauma work... Maybe when your T realized how taugh iyour experience is, also decided to slow down?

I know exactly how annoying is wanting to talk while T doesn't want to listen.... But I hope that our Ts know whate they are doing