[Dust to Dust]

I don't remember my abuse. It's repressed. I can't tell you who it was. It was a man who wasn't a man. The fact that I don't know who it was bothers me every day...and I used to doubt and question myself about if I actually was abused or if it just was some sick obsessive thought that I kept having.. but I have came to acceptance. I was 3. It was back when I was living in NY. Both my parents worked, so my grandparents would mainly take care of me. My father's friend on the other hand would also babysit. I came out to find out years ago that my preschool bus driver was incarcerated for certain charges as well. My father was also a very abusive man... and just the possible thought of all these men who could have been the man..it makes me sick. My mother brought me to a doctor accusing that my dad had molested me. It's something her and my grandparents will never forget. But the doctor couldn't determine anything because I was still a virgin. It makes me feel sick and disgusted by what happened to me. Sometimes I think it's a good thing that I don't know but it's something that bothers me every day.

I feel like I have no friends because of this. I grew up unlike any other child. I masturbated too much to the point where all I would do was sit in my room and make myself hurt. It never felt good. I couldn't fall asleep at night unless I touched myself. I had to every time before I ate. I even touched myself underneath blankets while I would sit with my family in the livingroom. My mom would scold me a few times...but when it was just my dad he never said anything. I think even once he purposely made sure his penis was noticable while we were sitting out one day. My friendships were tainted. I started finding objects to hurt myself with. One I remember was the back massager. I even tried showing my younger brother. I feel guilty knowing that I did that at one point. I remember when I was a little girl I had a really high fever and the only way to take my temperature was anally...and I just rememeber my pants and underwear being taken off and people holding me down so that the thermometer could be put in... I panicked more than anyone would normally panic. These are just the things I remember. My memory goes with every little thing...and sometimes when I have flashbacks they come back to life.. like how I'd sit and listen to music and masturbate to disturbing thoughts.. I feel disgusting and deviant even mentioning this.. but I'd have thoughts and dreams.. one was of pregnant women who were trapped and strapped down and who were rapped...the other was of women who were sinking through sand to the point where only their lower torsos would be dangling from underneath the sand and they would be violated. As a younger kid I would skip school just to stay home and masturbate to shows where a woman was in legit pain..like through pregnancy. My mom used to think it was weird that I would watch TLC's pregnancy show. These thoughts were disgusting..but as I got older they transitioned into less disturbing ones...where girls would be in the midst of being raped and I would some how save them..and would attack the rapist and stop him. I feel weird for even having these thoughts. I feel disgusting for touching myself to all of this. It's repulsive.

In the spring, things are usually worse. I don't know if that's when it happened but I'm pretty sure it is. I get flashbacks of my pink barbie nightgowns and a hand gliding up it. That's one of my flashbacks I'll never forget. I tried forgetting about this all.. I wanted to turn it into something positive...so I went to school and got my BA in criminal justice/child advocacy. My goal was to help children who were subject to sexual abuse. I just couldn't do it... I interned at a hospital where they served to help those kids..and the screaming and the cries and yells...it brought all my flashbacks back.. I'd leave shaking. And I'd go home and go to bed having the worst nightmares..it was like you were reliving it all. I had night terrors and had no idea that those occurred until people who slept with me told me about them...and I felt like a freak. I was afraid to be in any relationship because of the disturbances I would have at night. I've found that even any kind of talk or show about molestation or rape will trigger a nightmare. It's like it can't leave my mind if I see it...and I'm so grateful to have a partner who is supportive..who helps me..who holds me when I have bad nightmares..or who knows when I get triggered and will act out of the norm. The other night I had a trigger.. I was trying to find a new television show and people were saying that the show "Bates Motel" was a good one..well not if your a victim of abuse it is..episode one has a rape scene and it's like in every episode it's repeated in the recap. It's horrible. My girlfriend will look up shows for me..even movies to make sure there's no rape scenes in it... I couldn't have been any luckier... she's my solid support. I am grateful for that.

I may post more whenever I have triggers or nightmares. I like to keep records of them all..nightmare logs so when I can afford a therapist, they can better help me. I'm just trying my best to be positive and help myself. I need to find that better path.