[deepbluelosthope]

Has anyone else suffered low self esteem because of an emotionally absent parent? My mother was so cold to me growing up it's negatively affected my own self worth and confidence. I just wondered if anyone has had any similar struggles and how you overcame them?

[marmaduke]

Yup, my mother was ice cold. A refrigerator mother.
It never sounds that bad does it? If you try to explain this to anyone it sounds like you are just whining, after all for instance I was not starved or beaten.
But for a child to have survive without loving cuddles, kisses, hugs, without the comfort, warmth and security of a loving mother/father is a cruel thing.
What is life without love?
Man cannot live by bread alone.
It has been shown in experiments that for a child to be neglected, unloved, emotionally abused it is just as harmful if not more so than a beating.
I would have preferred physical abuse to the secret unseen abuse of my mother, simply because it is tangible, people understand cuts and bruises. Emotional abuse goes largely unnoticed.
The damage for me, like for yourself is not low self esteem, its NO self esteem.
Can it be overcome? Yes to an extent it can. Good, long term therapy can work wonders.
I could not afford a therapist so I self helped. Took me 3 years of work to change so it not easy.
But, it can be done.

[A Red Panda]

My mom wasn't emotionally-deprived... she just had all negative emotions. Fear, need to control, angry, self-pity....

My mom has always bragged about my accomplishments to others. But she's never said anything of the sort to me.

As marmaduke said.. there was no physical affection, no "I love you"s, it never felt warm or secure. My family was essentially a business.

We did get to go and do some things - like we were brought to fairs and went on small trips to places. But that was primarily because they were things my mom wanted to do. I enjoyed them, and were the best times my family had... as was Christmas. My mom did like to spend money that she couldn't really afford... but instead of spending it on the things that my brother and I actually wanted... it was spent on things that she wanted - like some of the trips we'd go on.

So.. it's a really weird conflict for me to describe it. To the outside it really looked like a good family. And I have always gone "She must actually love me, because we've gone to these places and she spends money at Christmas and she brags to other people about me"... but at the same time, I never really was given love - just high expectations that I had to meet.

[marmaduke]

Maybe its more accurate to say these folks have no empathy, rather than no emotion. My mother did have emotion, as did my father, lots of it, but it was all about them.
I was an orphan in all but name, my parents never knew me or ever tried to.
I was mostly ignored. So much so as a child I wondered if I even existed.

Books were my friends, in them I could escape.

Are your parents NPD, like mine?

[deepbluelosthope]

What you say is similar to my experience. My mother used to boast about my achievements mainly to other mothers of girls I had gone to school with. Yet, behind the scenes at home it was a different story: negative emotions as you say. She was controlling, full of self-pity and put a lot of blame and guilt onto me. If I didn't behave exactly as she wanted me to I was condemned by her. She showed me no love at all and was quite simply cold and embittered. She had no friends. Her control over me even extended to me not being allowed my own bedroom. I had to share a room with her until (and I am too embarrassed and devastated to admit what age) my boyfriend told me to get out of the house. He was a psychiatric nurse and after meeting my mother he knew all wasn't as it should be. He described her as mentally ill and said it was detrimental to my own mental health to continue living under the same roof.

It is only now, many years on, that I can finally acknowledge her as an abusive mother.
Yes it is worse than physical abuse that has visible scars that people would see. It is much much worse. People who have never experienced it probably do dismiss it as moaning about not having a good relationship with a parent and likely blame me for being disobedient, unruly or disrespectful towards her. None of these apply! I fought a silent battle with her and the scars I have are all on the inside. Low or no self-esteem at times and a constant disbelief that she actually must have felt no guilt for her behaviour. She never apologised for it. It is almost as if she wanted someone to blame for her own failings as a person and I was that person.

I'm not sure my self-esteem will ever be what it should be. The damage my mother did to me (largely in the name of religion) was immense and that is such a difficult thing to recover from. I question my very existence in the world and wonder why on earth did she have me if she wasn't prepared to bring me up with any love or affection.

[A Red Panda]

My family and NPD:

My mother has traits... but I don't think she would be diagnosed, but she'd definitely have SOME diagnosis. She has a lot of traits, but I don't think she does it intentionally - I do think she thinks she's doing a great job and WANTS to be doing a great job.

My younger brother - yes. I would not be surprised if he was diagnosed with it, assuming he ever went to see someone.

My dad - no. He's just plain and simply absent (he worked a lot).. my dad has had panic attacks (that I've never seen) so I know that he's very anxious and rather reclusive... he's basically subservient to my mom.

Yeah... no matter what I do, I still always feel like I'm a s**** daughter. Questions like "what if I tried more?" or "what if I just did what she said?" or "Why did I ever ask for X?".... always run through my head and on one level, I know I didn't do anything wrong... but at the core of me, I feel like I was a failure and am just a worthless POS.

[kittyfaye]

Originally Posted by marmaduke

Yup, my mother was ice cold. A refrigerator mother.
It never sounds that bad does it? If you try to explain this to anyone it sounds like you are just whining, after all for instance I was not starved or beaten.

My mother is like that. I never talk about the emotional abuse because people would think I was whining, and I still don't know if it was emotional abuse or not. She never hugs me and always wants me to kiss her on the cheek when I leave. She never kisses on me. She also brags on my sister and her boyfriend and all their accomplishments, but never says anything about me. She brags about them in front of me and then tells me she knows I get upset about her talking about my sister and that I'm jealous. My mother has a lot of narcissistic qualities.

[kittyfaye]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

My family and NPD:

My mother has traits... but I don't think she would be diagnosed, but she'd definitely have SOME diagnosis. She has a lot of traits, but I don't think she does it intentionally - I do think she thinks she's doing a great job and WANTS to be doing a great job.

My younger brother - yes. I would not be surprised if he was diagnosed with it, assuming he ever went to see someone.

My dad - no. He's just plain and simply absent (he worked a lot).. my dad has had panic attacks (that I've never seen) so I know that he's very anxious and rather reclusive... he's basically subservient to my mom.

Yeah... no matter what I do, I still always feel like I'm a s**** daughter. Questions like "what if I tried more?" or "what if I just did what she said?" or "Why did I ever ask for X?".... always run through my head and on one level, I know I didn't do anything wrong... but at the core of me, I feel like I was a failure and am just a worthless POS.

My family sounds exactly like yours, but switch my younger sisters with your brother. My younger brother just plays video games and is goofy.

[live2ski66]

My mother used to say she wanted to collect skunk piss and lather herself with it so we wouldn't attempt to touch or hug her. Maybe that is why today I kind of like the scent of a stunk. . It reminds me of the outdoors, not her.