[Tremor]

I was sexually abused by my father when I was very young and even though I don't remember everything, I do remember a time that my dad sexually abused me during early spring (possibly the first time he ever did it, but I'm not sure).

Each year during spring, I try to avoid being around people as much as possible. I feel ugly, nervous, and scared about being seen by people...I wish I could be invisible. Granted, I normally feel at least a little bit like this all the time, but spring is the worst.

I'm not sure why, but some years are a little bit better than other years. This year feels like my worst spring yet. I don't know how to feel better. Even when I try to force myself to go shopping or go to an appointment, I can't seem to feel any better by just exposing myself to my fears. I don't feel better until I suddenly just feel better...which usually gets slightly better between June and August, but not totally better until September when I can start wearing a jacket again.

Does anyone have any ideas or has conquered similar feelings? I hate feeling this way...I feel like my insides are being torn up = I feel so stressed.

[monkeybrains21]

If u have a T talk to them if not maybe find one. I wish I could say something more helpful since I went through what u went through as a kid, but I just don't have emotions other than anger. My ability to feel fear left a long time ago. Everyday ppl here post their fears but I can't relate.

Somehow I was able to shut it off and wish I knew how so I could help ppl like u who struggle so much.

[Big Mama]

I'm the opposite. I have fear. But I lack anger. I was sexually abused as a child and raped as a teen. I lack all aggressive assertive emotions. Because it was a goal of mine most likely to be passive, and quiet, and not to make a big fuss, and to be as likable as possible.

Unfortunately that has kept me in a place of being railroaded and run over all my life. Anger would be a nice emotion to have sometimes I think.

Tremor - I belong to another site that may be more helpful to you. It is for survivors of rape and abuse. The folks there have all lived some kind of abuse weather it is child sexual abuse, rape, clergy type abuse, or even spousal abuse.

If you are interested go to Rape & Sexual Abuse Survivor Message Board, Support Forums & Chat Room my therapist suggested it to me. It has helped to get imput from other survivors. This place is helpful but not everyone is a survivor whre there everyone is a survivor of some sex crime.

[Insignificant other]

Tremor .. my bad experience happened on Xmas Eve when I was 9 yrs old.
I'm 66 now .. and can tell you I have not forgotten but somehow I get through it.
Lately, I've finally got peace in my soul about it and I intend to hang on to that calm, peaceful feeling no matter what .. my best tool is getting busy .. do stuff .. get a hobby .. walk .. whatever it takes to keep your mind busy.
It does get better. Time heals .. you are so worth having that calm in you too.
Good luck.

[blueredgrey]

Dear Tremor,

I am so sorry you were sexually abused.

Are you currently seeing a therapist? If not, please see one. Things like these don't get better with time. You need expert help.

csa robs a lot of things from you...like your childhood. All that negative feelings like "wishing you could become invisible..." etc would go away once you start healing with therapy.

Also, if you can, please do tell your family or a close friend or relative, if you think they can help you. A supportive loving person can really be far more therapeutic than a therapist.

If not....then I guess you have to battle it alone....like many people :-(

It would be very helpful if you can maintain some blog, or diary or journal in notepad and talk to yourself about abuse and about how you feel, as well as pep talk to keep you going. I maintain a blog as well as postsecret like art work in photoshop. You have to find ways by which you can let those feelings locked inside you, out.

Eat healthy and exercise. It really boosts your self esteem.

Get help with a therapist. It takes a few tries to find the one you gel with.

Hang in there buddy! You can heal from your wounds and be stronger.