[sandersdillion948]

I feel so much anger at him and feel as though I am beginning to hate him. I came out of the closet at 15 and my dad was a real D*ck to me, we had the police at the house numerous times growing up. He verbally insulted and abused my mother, me and the other kids, he also would smash tables and windows etc... But there were good times, I guess. Though I have a hard time remembering those memories as easy as it is to remember all the bad.
I was sexually abused as a teenager by quite a few men, I was meeting adult men off the computer etc... I was also depressed with anxiety, suicidal thinking, I would often talk about running away to a place far away, and as a 31year old, I still plan to get out of this state by the time I am done my education.

It was not until I was 25 that I realized what had happened to me, I completely blocked it out. It was not until on a random day, I saw a gun and had a massive psychotic break, I was put by police, into a mental institution. There was no confrontation, I simply went to report someone who had abused me, the next thing I know I am being driven to the ER for a psych' evaluation and eventually put into a mental institution. I spent 3 weeks there, I was angry and mad, very homicidal, but very happy and cooperative with the police, things got brewing in my head.

Anyway, I am much better now, on medication and in therapy, but something could have really gone wrong that day had I been aware that I was being brought to the Hospital. The way the police officer did it was tricky and I am thankful for his manipulating me.

Having a father who was there, but essentially distant made me gravitate towards older men who would ultimate end up abusing me. Do I blame him for his behavior to me and my mother? I have lived in and out of that house for a good portion of my adult life, always being ready to jump into the middle threaten to kill my dad if he did not stop calling my mother names.

I am 31 now, and my mother has been gone for 2 years, I no longer live with my father. I spent 3,000$ before my mother passed away to have the entire yard landscaped with new grass, it was beautiful, he has since dumped 7 cords of wood on the lawn, backed a motor home onto the grass killing it all, and nothing is left but a yard with beer cans all over the place and dog crap because he doesn't pick up at his dog, or rake the yard even. So today I was there, I had to bury my rabbit in the yard, she lived to be 14, and my father is sitting in his lawn chair as I am burying it, saying, "This yard is a mess, might be nice if I could get help to clean it"... I simply stated WHAT IT LOOKED like before he got control over it. His father is the same way, they don't throw things away and they never clean anything, the inside is just as bad. I am living alone now, with a dog and a rabbit, who are very well trained and very clean, my apartment is very clean. I don't even want him here, he makes me angry, just visiting today has ruined the end of my weekend. Do i have to deal with him anymore other than say christmas or thanksgiving at my sisters? He will call and complain that he has not heard from me etc... It does not dawn on him at all the things that happen to me, and at this point in my life, I am not about ready to sit down and explain it with him, I want to move forward, it seems like he pulls me back.

Thanks for listening.

[nummy]

I am hardly in a good place to be dispensing advice so I will attempt not to, but just know I really do get your pain.
I'm having issues with some body who massively, massively manipulated my life, and all I can say is my therapist had me write down 10 adjectives I was feeling towards this person (like "2 faced" "troublemaker"). Didn't matter how ".wrong" the adjectives felt.
Then I shouted out the list over and over and tore the paper up. He said dwelling about memories is damaging and the only real way the brain can be retrained to break the pattern is to confront the memory if the event/person this way.
Not sure if this will help you, obviously trauma inflicts our brains in pretty bad ways. For a long long time I let myself be treated and re-treated in ways by this person, in ways my t said no average person would have allowed, he said most people woukd have seen through and dropped the person. As you did your father, (I'm so glad you were able to do that).

Aside from this bit though, I'm not able to help much there, but just try the paper/words/yell/tear up thing. Good luck--hope it helps. It can be hard to move on. But sometimes we gotta face up and let some emotion out.