[onlymedid]

TRIGGER TRIGGER TRIGGER TRIGGER TRIGGER!!!!



I was abused as a child in all ways possible by my step-mom and her father!

One thing I never faced is what I remember doing to my brother and sister!! This is the first time ever telling anyone, outside of T, and I felt it was important to bring up because I know I can't be the only one who was both abused AND an abuser at the same time!

I came out on my FB page as being abused and the response from my brrother was scathing! He called me a rapist and abuser. When i confronted him asking for more information as I, sincerely, do not recall "raping" anyone, he called me vicious and vile names that I would never call my worst enemy! He told me to find a gun and blow my ****ing head off and that he would piss on my grave before I enter the gates of hell!!!

I can never forget what he said and only remember touching him once and my little sister once.

I know there are TONS of memories locked away somewhere just waiting to burst!

Please tell me I am not alone! 😔

[gayleggg]

I know you are not the only one, but it may be hard for others to discuss in the forum. I'm sorry this had to unfold of FB. I hope you and your brother both are getting help. You were a child and children do what they were taught. Best wishes to you.

[Quarter life]

Hey onlymedid....welcome to PC.

I have been a member of this site for just over 4 months. In that time, I've received really constructive feedback and have made several great contacts and friends. For anyone going through a hard time, or those just wanting to reach out and have a chat, without judgement.......This is the place.

[onlymedid]

I've been here off and on for years only to find more support every time I return!

[marmaduke]

I was abused as a child in all ways possible by my step-mom and her father!
One thing I never faced is what I remember doing to my brother and sister!!
As a child you would have acted out things that happened to you, as a child you know nothing of the wider world, 'normal' is what happens in your house, you know no different.
Only later can you look back and realize your step-mum and her father were abusing creeps.

You are not guilty, they are.
As for you brother I dunno what to say. He should not have said those things, he should have spoke to you in person so you could explain as best you could.
I don't like facebook.

[someone321]

No you are not alone, my brother was also both abused and the abuser and I believe that it is quite common pattern - that's why there are so many abusers... Whose fault is it? It's not my role to judge, probably it depends also on the age of the abuser... You would blame your step-mother and her father, right? But it is then pretty probably that your strp-mother was also abused by her father etc...

[JLarissaDragon]

You are not alone. I have been the target of abuse and blamed for all kinds of things. No one deserves to be spoken to like your brother did to you. You were a child and acted out emulating what ever you saw and experienced.
I have undergone similar kinds of verbal attacks from angry people who have tried to make me feel like crap and I have found it devastating emotionally. A family member (by marriage) who is relatively close to me was horribly abused by her father, verbally, physically, and sexually and she is a very vile and angry person much of the time, especially around family. I was verbally and physically abused by my father and brother and ended up being withdrawn and depressed. People respond differently and sometimes in what seems like opposite ways. Only by God's grace am I finding healing and learning how to cope with what seems overwhelming. Just wanted to let you know that there are many of us here who deal with the scars of abuse and we care.

My older sister and I had been abused in our younger years, and she began abusing me in the years that followed. Also, one of my uncles had been abused by the family's priest as a young child, and in turn abused his younger siblings. I think it's not terribly uncommon for it to play out that way.

Out of curiosity, were your brother and sister younger than you? I only ask because with my own family's history following that pattern, perhaps it is more common for the oldest sibling to react that way since they them self hold a position of some authority due to being the oldest. In that sense it could be a case of mimicking an authority figure.

Were you the only one of your siblings that had been abused by your step-mom and her father? Or did your brother experience it too? If it was just you, or if you identified your siblings as having also been abused (without them having told people), that may partially explain some of it.

While I would not have done what your brother did if my sister spoke of her abuse on a public forum like that, I can't criticize his reaction either because I understand the anger he would have harbored over the years. Even though logically it can understood that the abuse was a reaction to being abused, there is a feeling of betrayal that still remains. I think that is what your brother would be feeling, especially if he had also experienced the abuse from your step-mom and her father.

Speaking as someone in your brother's situation, there's a good chance he will never lose that feeling, but that doesn't mean there is no hope for any kind of relationship. My sister and I are on reasonably good terms. We'll send e-mails, share links or news, and see one another at family gatherings without any fighting. We have never spoken about those events though. If we were to, I think the relationship would likely take a downward turn, and that it wouldn't be repairable until she acknowledged that past. If your brother is willing to talk about it you should try to see what he remembers happening. Even if that one time was the only time, that is something that will need to be recognized and addressed between the two of you before either of you can move forward.

[allme]

No you are not alone

I am sorry. It sounds like he feels toward you the way you feel toward your abusers. Hopefully he can get some help and realize it wasn't your fault. But he does have the right to his feelings.

As the youngest sibling who was sexually, physically and emotionally abused by my parents and older siblings, I cannot have any kind of contact with them ever again as it only serves to trigger and retraumatize me.

I went through my stage of rage and had my say both public and private about it all. I do regret the public rants to some extent, but then again, at the same time, I wanted everyone that had been snowed about our picture perfect family that they had no clue as to all the vile, evil and wicked things that went on behind closed doors in that hell hole I grew up in.

I'm sorry you had to experience your brother's rage publicly, but there's a saying in recovery that hurting people hurt people. Your brother is still hurting and it may take a lifetime for him to heal, and even then he may still not be able to have anything to do with you.

The sad thing is, often families are destroyed by these kinds of abuses, and like Humpty-Dumpty they aren't ever able to be put back together again. How wonderful it would be to be able to reconcile with our siblings, but sometimes the wounds are so deep and damaging that it isn't possible.

[onlymedid]

I try to think that I was a kid doing "learned behavior", but can't shake the guilt I feel for what I did. I agree that my brother should have never posted that on Facebook. I know now that I should have reported him for abuse!!
Yes, they were creeps for sure!!!

Originally Posted by marmaduke

I was abused as a child in all ways possible by my step-mom and her father!
One thing I never faced is what I remember doing to my brother and sister!!
As a child you would have acted out things that happened to you, as a child you know nothing of the wider world, 'normal' is what happens in your house, you know no different.
Only later can you look back and realize your step-mum and her father were abusing creeps.

You are not guilty, they are.
As for you brother I dunno what to say. He should not have said those things, he should have spoke to you in person so you could explain as best you could.
I don't like facebook.

[onlymedid]

Thank you so much! I am not the person I was as a child. I have found different ways to deal with my anger and I am not as angry as I once was.
I'm sorry you were abused! It should NEVER happen!!

Originally Posted by JLarissaDragon

You are not alone. I have been the target of abuse and blamed for all kinds of things. No one deserves to be spoken to like your brother did to you. You were a child and acted out emulating what ever you saw and experienced.
I have undergone similar kinds of verbal attacks from angry people who have tried to make me feel like crap and I have found it devastating emotionally. A family member (by marriage) who is relatively close to me was horribly abused by her father, verbally, physically, and sexually and she is a very vile and angry person much of the time, especially around family. I was verbally and physically abused by my father and brother and ended up being withdrawn and depressed. People respond differently and sometimes in what seems like opposite ways. Only by God's grace am I finding healing and learning how to cope with what seems overwhelming. Just wanted to let you know that there are many of us here who deal with the scars of abuse and we care.

[onlymedid]

I have to agree that I can't ever have contact with them again. I tried to forgive, but my head wouldn't let me. I wanted them to feel the same pain I did. I felt that Karma hit my step-grandfather because during his later years he was tethered to a breathing machine!

As for my step-mom and dad....I went to see them. They seemed to have this idea that they "spoiled" me, which I do not recall AT ALL!

When I saw my step-mom, I instantly felt like that kid again. That I was going to be called names, hit, whatever. I kept reminding myself that I am an adult now and she can never hurt me again! My husband was with me and just having his hand to hold helped a lot!!!

Yes, my extended step-family backed my brother saying that I ruined the family with my anger, how could I claim abuse when it never happened. I told them that my step-mom and step-grandfather showed them what they wanted to see! Just because the bruises were under my clothes and they couldn't see them, doesn't mean it didn't happen!

Thank you for your response. It's put some things into perspective for me.

Originally Posted by Pfrog

As the youngest sibling who was sexually, physically and emotionally abused by my parents and older siblings, I cannot have any kind of contact with them ever again as it only serves to trigger and retraumatize me.

I went through my stage of rage and had my say both public and private about it all. I do regret the public rants to some extent, but then again, at the same time, I wanted everyone that had been snowed about our picture perfect family that they had no clue as to all the vile, evil and wicked things that went on behind closed doors in that hell hole I grew up in.

I'm sorry you had to experience your brother's rage publicly, but there's a saying in recovery that hurting people hurt people. Your brother is still hurting and it may take a lifetime for him to heal, and even then he may still not be able to have anything to do with you.

The sad thing is, often families are destroyed by these kinds of abuses, and like Humpty-Dumpty they aren't ever able to be put back together again. How wonderful it would be to be able to reconcile with our siblings, but sometimes the wounds are so deep and damaging that it isn't possible.

I'm sorry that as a victim of abuse you got blamed for any of this! How Awful!

You know that none of that was your fault, right?

And you are taking good steps to fix what you can while realizing some things can't be fixed.

Sometimes I look back at all the pain and damage that growing up in that hell hole did to all of us kids and how it ruined our ability to have a healthy relationship forever.

A hell of a legacy for parents to bestow upon their children.

I'm sorry this happened to you and your siblings too!

[onlymedid]

I try to remember that none of this was my fault, but I still feel that way sometimes.
Yeah, I am taking huge steps with my T.
Thank you so much!!

[likewater]

I am very sorry your brother said those things to you. You were just an innocent child. I hope you have a therapist who can help you and we are always here. Also is you feel you are in danger because
Of the very hurtful things your brother said please call 911 or go the neares emergency room asa. Also you can call the lifeline 1 800 273 8256. You can even call if you just need to talk. May angels
surround you.

[onlymedid]

Hi,
Yeah my brother and sister are younger than me by 5 and 8 years. I remember letting things happen to me to try to keep it from happening to them, but then I went and did something to my brother.
Yes, I was the only one abused. I think it's because I was not the biological family member to my step-mom and step-grandfather. That's the only reason I can come up with that I was treated that way.

Oh I completely agree. He has every right to his anger, but to blast it out for all to see instead of taking it up with me personally was unacceptable.

I have apologized in public and in private to him that what I did was "learned behavior" and that I was only doing what I was taught. I apologized so many times and he and most of that side of the family has written me off. So I lost so many people for speaking out. But at the same time, I was NOT going to stay silent anymore out of fear of losing some people that I love dearly.

None of them can fathom that my step-grandfather could have ever done anything so horrible. They say that because I never pressed charges that it never happened and I was a liar. I was SCARED of him and his threats. well I am dealing with it in therapy now and I sure hope things come out so I can deal with them!

Originally Posted by Trebyn

My older sister and I had been abused in our younger years, and she began abusing me in the years that followed. Also, one of my uncles had been abused by the family's priest as a young child, and in turn abused his younger siblings. I think it's not terribly uncommon for it to play out that way.

Out of curiosity, were your brother and sister younger than you? I only ask because with my own family's history following that pattern, perhaps it is more common for the oldest sibling to react that way since they them self hold a position of some authority due to being the oldest. In that sense it could be a case of mimicking an authority figure.

Were you the only one of your siblings that had been abused by your step-mom and her father? Or did your brother experience it too? If it was just you, or if you identified your siblings as having also been abused (without them having told people), that may partially explain some of it.

While I would not have done what your brother did if my sister spoke of her abuse on a public forum like that, I can't criticize his reaction either because I understand the anger he would have harbored over the years. Even though logically it can understood that the abuse was a reaction to being abused, there is a feeling of betrayal that still remains. I think that is what your brother would be feeling, especially if he had also experienced the abuse from your step-mom and her father.

Speaking as someone in your brother's situation, there's a good chance he will never lose that feeling, but that doesn't mean there is no hope for any kind of relationship. My sister and I are on reasonably good terms. We'll send e-mails, share links or news, and see one another at family gatherings without any fighting. We have never spoken about those events though. If we were to, I think the relationship would likely take a downward turn, and that it wouldn't be repairable until she acknowledged that past. If your brother is willing to talk about it you should try to see what he remembers happening. Even if that one time was the only time, that is something that will need to be recognized and addressed between the two of you before either of you can move forward.

[onlymedid]

I am feeling safer now, but know that if I need to go to the hospital, I will! Thank you!

Originally Posted by likewater

I am very sorry your brother said those things to you. You were just an innocent child. I hope you have a therapist who can help you and we are always here. Also is you feel you are in danger because
Of the very hurtful things your brother said please call 911 or go the neares emergency room asa. Also you can call the lifeline 1 800 273 8256. You can even call if you just need to talk. May angels
surround you.