[BeaFlower]

I don't know if this is the right forum...I saw that there is one about abuse, but I'm not sure if this is the case and I didn't want to' exaggerate'...but you can move it if you think that it's better.
When I was a child I lived also with my grandmom; now we don't live together anymore, but I see her quite often. She always took offence at everything...also now, but expecially when I was a child. For example, every time that I went to see the other grandmom she was jealous and she said that I prefeard the other grandmom...she was really obsessed about this. She often said that I didn't love her. This wasn't true, but because of this thing I really began to dislike staying with her, because she made me suffer...and I felt (and feel) a bit guilty because I don't love her as I 'should', but I also know that it's not only my fault. And it was not only for this problem with the other grandmom, in general she got very angry with me for nothing...One time she started crying and she said that I didn't love her and that I was bad. I don't remenber what I did or said, but I don't think that it was such a terrible thing.
Sometimes she didn't scream at me, but she didn't talk to me and I could see from her behaviour that she was very angry, and this was almost worse.
Sometimes for those little things she said that she wanted to die.
Now it's a bit better, since we don't live together anymore, but sometimes she makes me suffer also now. For example, we usually spend the holidays with her and last year, in a period in which I was already very upset for something that had happened (and she knew it) she practically didn't talk to me for two days for a thing that I said her...I don't want to write too much details here, but what I said wasn't so bad, and I didn't wanted to offend her...but she made me feel increlibly guilty, and those days for me were terrible.
My feelings towards her are very complex...when I was a child she wasn't always so bad with me, sometimes she was also warm and she said that she loved me very much and similar things, and I could see from her face that it was true...and now it's the same. I can't say that I don't love her, but neither that I really really love her...she made me suffer very much, and sometimes she makes me suffer also now, also if probably she didn't want. Probably when she won't be here anymore I'll feel guilty for my bad feelings towards her...sometimes I have really desired to not see her anymore...and I already feel guilty for this, but I can't do anything.
Last thing: sometimes she compared me with other children and she said that they made this or that thing better than me.
Last last (really): she usually did all these things when I was alone with her (that happend often when I was a child), but not always.
For me it's strange to talk about this, nobody knows it...except my parents, but I think that niether they know that I suffered so much. Everybody thinks that I have a wonderful relationship with my grandmom.
Sorry, this post is really long...now I've finished.

[monkeybrains21]

It very possibly could be emotional abuse. She makes u feel like crap. When she does die u have no reason to feel guilty u try as much as u can. Some ppl never fully accept others, and those closest always suffer. Don't be too hard on urself. Don't know if this helps

[BeaFlower]

Originally Posted by monkeybrains21

It very possibly could be emotional abuse. She makes u feel like crap. When she does die u have no reason to feel guilty u try as much as u can. Some ppl never fully accept others, and those closest always suffer. Don't be too hard on urself. Don't know if this helps

Thanks...every answer is useful for me You are right, probably I shouldn't feel guilty, but it's difficult... Also because she isn't always bad, and when she is warm I think that I should love her more...it's really strange. When I was a child I often didn't know which reaction I had to expect from her, and sometimes also now.

[Grey Matter]

That is emotional abuse via manipulation.

My grandmother is similar. To this day. She would manipulate me beyond belief, starting with small things like "You don't really love me, do you?" Which is a very popular form of emotional manipulation. That went into things that were out of hand. To put shortly, this woman had me convinced I was fat at a weight of 120 at 5'8 (I was 14), that I was stupid and useless, but then would sob at me and say "why don't you love me??".

We SHOULD love who treats us with respect, care, and love.

We have no obligation to love blood because we are related.

Some people, despite lineage, are horrid examples of humanity. And I am so sorry you have faced a similar situation. You don't need to feel guilt, she was the adult and used it to her advantage.

[monkeybrains21]

I don't have too much too say bout it, my family did that when I was a child. ( my father also used to beat the crap outta me) but I shut off all my feelings towards them. Not too many ppl can do that I'm learning. Only problem is I can't turn them back on. I can be very cold and heartless. I just stopped caring about ppl because no one ever cared for me.

I don't recommend what I did. U seem like a better person. Don't do things for others, do the things u can so u can live with it. Ur grandma sees like she got a few issues upstairs don't put that on urself. U can't control that or her reactions. Just keep urself safe and learn to emotionally prepare and protect urself when ur with her.

[BeaFlower]

Originally Posted by Grey Matter

That is emotional abuse via manipulation.

My grandmother is similar. To this day. She would manipulate me beyond belief, starting with small things like "You don't really love me, do you?" Which is a very popular form of emotional manipulation. That went into things that were out of hand. To put shortly, this woman had me convinced I was fat at a weight of 120 at 5'8 (I was 14), that I was stupid and useless, but then would sob at me and say "why don't you love me??".

We SHOULD love who treats us with respect, care, and love.

We have no obligation to love blood because we are related.

Some people, despite lineage, are horrid examples of humanity. And I am so sorry you have faced a similar situation. You don't need to feel guilt, she was the adult and used it to her advantage.

Yes, my grandmom said the same things! I'm sorry that it happened also to you. But...I don't know...it's so 'strange' not to love your granmom Or not very much, at least. And she isn't always bad, it's this the strange thing. Thanks for answering You made me feel a bit better, really

[BeaFlower]

Originally Posted by monkeybrains21

I don't have too much too say bout it, my family did that when I was a child. ( my father also used to beat the crap outta me) but I shut off all my feelings towards them. Not too many ppl can do that I'm learning. Only problem is I can't turn them back on. I can be very cold and heartless. I just stopped caring about ppl because no one ever cared for me.

I don't recommend what I did. U seem like a better person. Don't do things for others, do the things u can so u can live with it. Ur grandma sees like she got a few issues upstairs don't put that on urself. U can't control that or her reactions. Just keep urself safe and learn to emotionally prepare and protect urself when ur with her.

Do you mean that I shouldn't care what she says me? Yes, you are right, I should try...but it's so difficult...however she's my grandmom. I'm sure that you are a good person too

[BeaFlower]

And to make things more difficult there is the fact that probably she doesn't do it to hurt me, maybe she can't avoid it...it's also for this that if feel a bit guilty for not loving her very much

[Grey Matter]

I don't love my grandmother any longer. Which came after many years of hating myself for even thinking such a thing.

Problem is, I made every excuse for her in the book. I said she's more old fashioned, she probably doesn't know she is doing it, she doesn't meant to hurt me, etc.

When the behaviors didn't change, I pulled the plug on it.

No one who treats me like that is deserving of my love. Make sure you're taking care of YOU first, not her.

[BeaFlower]

I can't say that I hate myself (luckily), but that I feel guilty when I think 'bad' things about her yes
It has been hard for me to share these things...yesterday evening I was really upset...I didn't imagine. Probably it's because I had never told to someone that I have these feelings towards her, it's also difficult to admit it with myself...Actually I know that it's not my fault, but...it's however difficult. Surely you know it too, because you had a similar experience.
Hope to can stop feeling guilty...now I quite recentely began to understand that it's not my fault if sometimes I'm angry with her, maybe I have to take some time. But I don't want to hate her, because I see her often...I'm a bit worried that if I stop giving the fault to myself and I give all the fault to her it will be more difficult to stay near her so often.
Is your grandmom still alive?

[Perna]

My therapist helped me when she explained we can love a person but don't have to like them (my abusive stepmother). Who we like, like to be with, hang out with, enjoy, our "friends" we choose. Who we love is, as you say, often a complicated thing. It helped me a lot when I realized I loved my stepmother but did not like her. It freed me up to know who I was and who I liked/wanted to be with so I could then act in a loving way to my stepmother because I wanted to act in a loving way to my stepmother but I did not care as much how she acted toward me because she wasn't someone I had chosen for myself to be part of my world.

[nicoleflynn]

"she made you suffer." There is your answer. hugs

[BeaFlower]

Originally Posted by Perna

My therapist helped me when she explained we can love a person but don't have to like them (my abusive stepmother). Who we like, like to be with, hang out with, enjoy, our "friends" we choose. Who we love is, as you say, often a complicated thing. It helped me a lot when I realized I loved my stepmother but did not like her. It freed me up to know who I was and who I liked/wanted to be with so I could then act in a loving way to my stepmother because I wanted to act in a loving way to my stepmother but I did not care as much how she acted toward me because she wasn't someone I had chosen for myself to be part of my world.

I had never thought it...but you are right!
I think to love her a bit...maybe not very very much, but after what happened probably this can be enough But I don't like her very much. Thanks for helping me understand the difference!