[struggling2]

I was sexually abused by my dad growing up. Some covert. Some overt. I was married and am getting divorced now. I have a lot of issues with intimacy and sex. Ive done a lot of work in therapy and am right now starting to peel and work on the layer of intimacy and sexuality. its freakign hard! i cannot talk about it with my therapist whom ive been seeing for over 3yrs. I trust her completely and know she doesnt judge me but I morph into this uncomfortable little 5yr old girl when it comes up or i need to talk about something related to sex. My dad treated me more like a son but I was daddy's little girl at the same time. Its so weird and has messed with me. Ive always feared im a lesbian...but i dont know if i really am. My husband was so triggering because i always "seen" my dad. I dont know how to sort all this out. I just want to be happy.

[sandersdillion948]

Survivors of abuse usually subconsciously seek out partners who are like the parent they have unresolved conflicts with. I was sexually abused by quite a few people growing up, at 31, I'm not sure if I am gay or straight, all my abusers were men... i have had a few male/male relationships and a few male/female relationships, but I still sit confused of what my identity is. My advice is not to put so much emphasis on what your sexuality is or might be, when people say "Hey, are you gay straight or BI" i say "I am who makes me happy". I'm not sure if I will ever get a definitive answer so, as my therapist says, I have just opened up all my options. Sorry you are going through this but I can relate, I often wonder who I would have become had i never been sexually abused or groomed into sex.

[struggling2]

thank you for your response! I too, am 31. i like your philosophy of "opening all your options" ...it shouldnt matter as long as your happy. Thats all anybody really wants anyways. It still feels confusiing because i cant separate love from sex. Do I want a sexual relationship with my best friend or do I just love her unconditionally as a person and am automatically thinking that means it has to be sexual because thats what always came with a loving relationship growing up?

[sandersdillion948]

I'm not sure what your relationship is with your best friend, if it is something more or not, For me, right now, I am avoiding sex, I have not had sex in over 4 years... When i was doing it with the person i was dating, i had to leave because I was upset and crying... Why? I'm not sure, sex is like a trigger for me of all the bad thing that happen to me. I can't live like this forever though, I am still trying to get back what those people took from me, I was powerless and have been trying to get that back somehow, through therapy. It just seems like the further back I go, the more there is... Things I have blocked out... they come to the surface... All my abuse is from having an alcoholic father who gave up on me when I came out of the closet at 13. So i sought out older men and ultimately they just abused me. I also think my father may have abused me too, but I can't remember, I know I got that creeper feeling from him once when I was alone in the woods on a 4 wheeler, plus his father (My grandfather) tried to sleep with me once when I was painting a house with him... He bluntly asked me to go upstairs with him and I said no, that in its-self is abuse. I was 14, where does it all begin? I don't know. but i know where it ends, and it ended when I stopped letting people Effing abuse me. I am working on having some boundaries... maybe that is something you should work on too... Sex is supposed to be enjoyable, but I think until all those problems you are experiencing it may be a trigger for you too. When it omes to your best-friend, I would just go with the flow, have no expectations and you should try not worrying about things you cannot control, it's hard, but i think you can come away from this and have a healthy relationship with someone and be happy like everyone else, I will not let the abuse I have endured hinder my chances of falling inlove and being "normal". If you know what I mean.

[sandersdillion948]

Music is the best therapy, these are my two favorites when I think about my life and abusers.