[AmaShel567]

I'm pretty sure the therapist I saw today for the first time asked me if I was a consenting partner in incest when I was between 9 and 10. I have a bunch of guilt about not telling my mom cause my brother had told me I would get in trouble if I told. I feel like I let him do it. I let him do it to my little sisters too. Just cause I was scared about what my mom would think. He told me and them we couldn't tell and it had to be a secret. There were times I saw him doing things to my sisters and I just walked away because I didn't want to be involved. I could have stopped it at any time but I didn't. Does that mean I consented and that it was okay?

[ShiningLight]

Did the therapist ask you directly? Is it possible that the therapist was trying to figure out if you *thought* you were consenting? It is their job to find out enough information so that they can be appropriately empathetic. But they can't be empathetic, if they do not fully understand your perspective. I really hope that this is the case. Otherwise, a question like that is absolutely terrible!!

As for the rest of it: at that age, you depended on your mother for so many things! It is perfectly rational, reasonable, and totally necessary to be worried about what she would think of anything you did or did not do. You brother took advantage of this.

If you get a chance, hang out with a 10 year old. Most children at that age seem like they are totally on top of things and absolutely know everything right up until they find themselves in a new situation. At that age, you do not have enough life experience to deal with uncharted territory like this. If an authority figure (your brother) tells you that you'll get in trouble, you believe it. That is the rational reaction.

Try to forgive your 10 year old self. At that age, you were doing what you had to to survive.

[Frankbtl]

Hi AmaShel, you might have let him do it for lots of reasons e.g. you were scared, you felt intimidated, you felt you had no choice, you felt he had the right to, you didn't know at the time how wrong what he was doing was..............?? but you DID NOT CONSENT!!!
You were way to young to even be able to consent whatever. It's not something you participated in, it's something that was done to you, something he manipulated you (?) into doing.
And please, please, please try to let some of that guilt go. It's him who should be shouldering the blame, him and anyone else (any adults!) who should have recognized the signs if they were there, not you!!
It's natural for someone in the same situation as you were to just feel helpless, powerless, unaware of how wrong it was, scared of what might happen if.......and why wouldn't you believe what he told you about getting in trouble if you told???!!!! He already had so much power over you, a lot of people would/do believe that regardless.
And remember you're looking back on the situation as you are now/from what you know now, but at 9 and 10 (and even older!!) you didn't have the insight you have now. You couldn't possibly!!
But it is really good that you're seeing a therapist for it now. But just remember if they say something that doesn't feel right, call them out on it. Don't let them lead you down paths that aren't right.
Alison

[WobblyWombat]

You did not consent....
you were a child...

A similar thing happened to me with my uncle.... When I finally revealed my experience to our family doctor after a suicide attempt. That so called doctor tried to say it was nothing because he was only 18 and just a kid himself... BULL

I was barely six..... and I too wasn't his only victim, later I found out he had been doing it to many of my female cousins, for years.

Just remember that you were an innocent child. Many abuser try and make their victims feel that its their fault.

I hope I have been a little helpful Amashel

BIG HUG

[shezbut]

(((( AmaShel567 ))))

It is hard to not apply what we now know to things that we did in our youth. What we learn over the years comes to us gradually, over time and experiences. While it's very difficult to convince your mind to let go of the shame that you've been carrying for so long, it is a task that only you can do...with encouragement and support from others.

You don't deserve the shame. You were an honest girl, who unfortunately carried blaming yourself for what happened to you...but also what happened to your sisters. That is a lot of unwarranted pain to carry inside.

If you were in your mid-teens when this occurred, things might have been handled a lot differently. But, that doesn't matter. What matters is accepting that you just didn't have the maturity and understanding to reasonably hold yourself accountable. Feelings often aren't reasonable, of course, but reminding yourself of the fact whenever that guilt and shame start creeping in ought to help you make it through those horrible moments.

Hope that your therapy starts to relieve you of these tough emotions soon as well!

[blueredgrey]

Dear,

I kinda feel your therapist's Q is a little unfair. How can you be "consenting" to an adult activity when you were only like 9 or 10

I am sure s/he didn't realize it would come across as so crude. If the therapist is working for you then fine.

I think it's time you discussed it with your sisters, if your brother abused his other sisters too. I am sure even they would be carrying a lot of guilt and pain of it. If your brother was a minor too, then I think it needs some sort of introspection. I personally believe that when a child does something wrong, there's a good chance an adult is responsible for it.

Is there any chance your brother may have been sexually abused too? Like, when I was mebbe 10, I used to pull down my younger cousin's underwear and I asked them to show me their pvts. I was sexually acting out, as my father sexually abused me mebbe when I was 7 or 8 (I still have no memory, just hints). I particularly did not understand what I was doing, I got no pleasure out of it....I just felt compelled to do it.....and that it was something I need to keep a secret from my mother.

I think your family needs to deal with it together. Not talking about it will get you nowhere.

But the most important thing right now, is your healing. Pls work with your therapist. Pls let go of that guilt. No one objects when something as shocking as sexual abuse occurs. It's because, while reacting to physical assault is wired into us, reacting to sexual abuse is not. Not only victims generally suffer in silence, adults witness to sexual abuse also tend to look the other way, because somehow, it's just too shocking for us to react.

You were neither responsible for the sexual abuse, nor you gave your consent, neither you are responsible for your sisters' abuse. Only abuser is responsible for the abuse.

My best wishes that you heal from it.