[mindyonz]

yesterday i had a session with my T... he told me to work on 2 things... my first problem due to this knowledge of childhood emotional neglect .. is that I now blame every emotional neediness to my parents...so he asked me to work on remembering specific times when u received emotional assurance from parents...and he educated me to mellow down my anger/grudge towards my parents ....by thinking that they r also mentally ill... and there by show compassion...

Dont know how to do that...

[Travelinglady]

Forgiving isn't easy. I suggest you begin by writing down any good thing you remember about how they treated you in the past, no matter how small it might seem at the moment. Maybe, like, my mom took me to the doctor when I was sick, provided me with food, etc.

I think there are some books about forgiving parents, so you might google those two words to see what comes up.

On my own I wrote a list of all the specific bad things I remembered. I was ultimately able to burn and bury the list. And now when I remember something bad, I pray about it and move on. Of course, whether you pray is up to you and your beliefs. You might also try distracting yourself or perhaps trying to help cancel that memory out by looking at your list of good things.

I hope my reply helps a bit. Forgiving is actually a gift to ourselves in a sense.

P.S. Welcome to Psych Central!

[choosinghappiness]

I agree with Travelinglady that forgiveness is a gift to ourselves. It can feel tricky sometimes though. It's not a black and white proposition. Neither is it quickly achieved. I didn't speak to any of my family-of-origin for ten years. I wasn't ready, didn't feel strong enough. I have since allowed relationships with my family for thirteen years now. With the siblings it's great. With the parents, it's complicated. Yes, I've forgiven them. No, I have not forgotten and that's where things get sticky. Sometimes it's like walking an emotional tightrope. But, I much prefer having them in my life...from a healthy distance, than not. I'm just stating where I am now and where I've been. My situation is unique to me as yours is to you. I believe there is no "right" way. There is only your path, and you are allowed to choose and alter that path.

[blueredgrey]

Dear mindyonz,

Forgiveness is a very personal thing. It's not something which can be developed "on demand." Some people are able to forgive and some people are not able to forgive. Neither is better than the other.

Some therapists feel that you need to forgive to heal. I say you need to heal to forgive.

I would never ask you to forgive anyone who did anything wrong to you, neither would I say don't forgive. But take the first step by understanding your parents and relive every incident.

I think you should start writing a blog or a diary. Write all the good as well as bad incidents. Writing gives validation to our feelings. Writing bad incidents would be like a catharsis. With the bad incidents, try writing why you think they behaved that way (and discuss the same with therapist). Writing all good incidents would make you see your parents in a more positive light. We tend to remember all the hurt much more than all the good things. Writing everyday about the good and bad incidents may really be a good way to record things, which you'd otherwise forget.

Someday, when your parents are willing to give consideration to your feelings, then do show this blog to them. When a person says hurtful things, especially when they are being abusive, they quickly tend to forget it. They are less focused on hurting you, they are more focused on dissing out their anger and unfortunately, you are their punching bag. Maybe when they read your blog/journal, they may rework on their attitude towards you. Again....it may or may not happen.

Your healing is the only thing that matters, forgiveness doesn't. Start by writing your life in words.

good luck!

[Mysterious Flyer]

It is not true that some people are not "able to forgive". That makes it sound like a failure on the part of the victim. For instance, I was "able to forgive" my brother because he was sorry. However, I am not "able to forgive" my parents, since they are not sorry. It is not the responsibility of the victim to make you feel warm and fuzzy by making proclamations of forgiveness. Even God requires repentance as a prerequisite for forgiveness (in the Bible anyway).