[differentstars]

Hello there, PsychCentral community. Aside from my introduction post, this is really my first personal post here. I haven't shared any of this with anyone before, so I'm definitely nervous. Well, enough procrastinating, here it goes...

*POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING CONTENT BELOW*
My story begins last July when I was invited to a friend's party. There were probably 20 people at his place and I knew two of them. Nonetheless, I decided to let loose, have a few drinks, do some shots, and have a fun time. I got really drunk, but I was planning on crashing there anyways, so I didn't think much of it. Instead of staying at my friend's house though, a male party goer (whom I did not know) took advantage of my inebriated state and took me out to his car to have sex. He ended up taking me home shortly after that.
I wasn't bothered by it the next day because I had female housemates that fell into those situations all the time. It seemed perfectly okay to me. I knew I didn't want to have sex with this guy again though. I felt that when we hung out the next time I could stand by that conviction.
Because I lived out-of-state, I didn't see this guy again until December. I went out with him and a couple of his mates on the 30th. We went to the casino, had a few cocktails, and then went back to his friend's place. There, we played a drinking game that involved copious amounts of shots. I think the cocktails from earlier had me feeling cocky and I played for far too long. I ended up passing out on the couch.
I don't know how long I'd been out when I woke up the first time, but I don't remember ever opening my eyes. I just recall someone's hand up my skirt. Shortly after, I passed out again. When I woke up this time, I heard someone say "Dude, don't cum in her," before I fell asleep yet again. The next thing I remember is being carried out to the car and driven home. I found my underwear wadded up in my bag when I got up later.
I know what happened was wrong, but I still feel like I hold some responsibility. I acted like a naive 21-year-old and that was taken advantage of. After this happened, I still felt like a person though.
It wasn't until recently that things have really started to screw with my head. I met this new guy at a neighborhood barbecue. He ended up finding me on Facebook and even though we had very little in common, he seemed like a nice enough guy. After messaging for a couple weeks, he invited me out to the lake and I accepted.
Things turned bad very quickly when we got to the lake. As soon as we sat on the shore, I got a feel for his intentions. Still not quite recovered from the December incident, I actually shared what happened with him in the hopes that he'd understand and back off. It didn't work. He almost took it as a challenge and eventually offered me the ultimatum of "You want to go home? Well, I'll drive you home after you have sex with me."
So, I did.
After I got home, I felt terrible about myself. I didn't even feel human. I felt used, objectified, and disrespected. I cried so hard that I threw up. Still, even though I was intensely pressured, I made the choice.
He has since continued to contact me and I've avoided every meeting. I tend to isolate myself when I get into these down moods and my mom has been encouraging me to go out with him again because she doesn't want me in the house all the time. I don't have any friends here to turn to and I'm running out of excuses to avoid this guy. I'm scared that I'll have to see him again to please my parents, have sex with him again to please him, and I'll be the one left feeling like a slab of meat. I don't know what to do and I'm scared.

[bluekoi]

differentstars, I understand that you have made some poor choices and you have unjustly been taken advantage of. Perhaps it would be a good idea to seek counselling? A therapist can help you work though these issues and aid you in getting back your self esteem.

[differentstars]

Thank you, bluekoi. I do have a therapist that I've been seeing since April, but I haven't brought any of this up. I keep talking myself out of it by saying that I'm overreacting and that it's not a real problem. Maybe I'll try practicing what I want to say before my next appointment so I'm more comfortable speaking up?

[TheWell]

Differentstars I'm sorry this happened to you. Being unconscious does not give anyone the right to touch you. Blackmail is also wrong.

I agree that a therapist might help you find your inner strength. It's there, you just need help to get it to come forward.

[bluekoi]

differentstars, That's a very good idea! Another thing would be to write down what you want to say and bring it with you when you see your therapist.

[differentstars]

Thanks for all the suggestions. I think writing it down would make it less unnerving. My next appointment is this Thursday, so wish me luck!

[bluekoi]

differentstars, Best of luck on Thursday! Let us know how your appointment goes.

[Grey Matter]

I do not think it is a mistake for a person of age to drink alcohol. Sadly, we live in a world where placing some blame on the victim is all to common. Alcohol is the #1 date rape drug.

Is he still contacting you after he manipulated you into sex? If that is the case, he can easily be reported. The main thing to do right now is take care of YOU. Make sure you get the health care needed and please remember you're not an object, this isn't your fault, and you are a survivor.

[differentstars]

Originally Posted by Grey Matter

I do not think it is a mistake for a person of age to drink alcohol. Sadly, we live in a world where placing some blame on the victim is all to common. Alcohol is the #1 date rape drug.

Is he still contacting you after he manipulated you into sex? If that is the case, he can easily be reported. The main thing to do right now is take care of YOU. Make sure you get the health care needed and please remember you're not an object, this isn't your fault, and you are a survivor.

Thank you for your empathetic words. Some days I feel more responsible than others and it's pretty emotionally exhausting.
I've never reported any of these incidents because I felt like there's just too many gray areas. When it came to the first guy, I'd had sex with him before. As for the second, I was sober and I suppose I could have called someone to come get me. After his nonchalant attitude about what happened to me when I was passed out, I felt so downtrodden that I almost felt like I deserved it.

Wow. I'd never really thought about this so deeply before. Everyone here has helped me come to realize what I really need to share with my therapist. Thank you so much.

[monkeybrains21]

I know and understand what u r goin through all too well. Like u I went to parties with lots if drinking. Like u I was taken advantage of in an inebriated state. I told no one. I faulted myself for over drinking. Unlike u though I was dumb enough to so it on military bases and military housing where I was out numbered hundreds to one.

I self medicated for a long while and still have told no one. This is the most I've ever mentioned of it and still no details will be given. It's my burden to bare. The worst thing is I repeatedly did those foolish things all because I didn't want to be lesbian. Now it haunts me randomly. But I will get through it and move on. I know I should speak with T about this and very possibly Pdoc but I haven't been able to bring myself to it. I'm not sure I ever will but every time I see T I try to say the words just they'd on come out.

Here I feel more comfortable and hopefully with time will help me speak of it to T and Pdoc. I wish u well and if u an do it that great. If not it's ok in time u may. U can be vague and speak of it indirectly. U may find some relief that way.

[i dont matter]

Sounds like he is SLIME

[differentstars]

Originally Posted by monkeybrains21

I know and understand what u r goin through all too well. Like u I went to parties with lots if drinking. Like u I was taken advantage of in an inebriated state. I told no one. I faulted myself for over drinking. Unlike u though I was dumb enough to so it on military bases and military housing where I was out numbered hundreds to one.

I self medicated for a long while and still have told no one. This is the most I've ever mentioned of it and still no details will be given. It's my burden to bare. The worst thing is I repeatedly did those foolish things all because I didn't want to be lesbian. Now it haunts me randomly. But I will get through it and move on. I know I should speak with T about this and very possibly Pdoc but I haven't been able to bring myself to it. I'm not sure I ever will but every time I see T I try to say the words just they'd on come out.

Here I feel more comfortable and hopefully with time will help me speak of it to T and Pdoc. I wish u well and if u an do it that great. If not it's ok in time u may. U can be vague and speak of it indirectly. U may find some relief that way.

It's sad how common these occurrences seem to be. Looking from an outside perspective, I feel like you shouldn't feel at fault for what happened to you. Yet, when it comes to myself, I'm still struggling with taking the blame. I understand how confusing it is. In the end, neither one of us deserved to be taken advantage of.

You should never have to bear the burden of that. Don't blame yourself because of your struggles with sexual identity. I hope you've reached of a point of acceptance because being a lesbian isn't a bad thing. I believe you will get through it, but if you need a little help, talking to a therapist would probably be beneficial. Maybe you could follow some of the advice I've been given on this topic and write down what you might want to say?

I'm glad you've been able to find a comfortable medium to express yourself here. Thank you for your well wishes and helping me feel like I'm not alone in this. I wish you the best in your recovery.

[differentstars]

[QUOTE=bluekoi;3857732]differentstars, Best of luck on Thursday! Let us know how your appointment goes.

UPDATE: I saw my therapist today. Unfortunately, I'm not sure it could have gone much worse. When I finally opened up what happened during the December incident, my therapist (who had formally worked for a prison) pressured me why I didn't want to file charges. After this, I didn't even want to bring up the most recent blackmail seduction.

I explained that I wasn't comfortable potentially ruining someone's life, my memory of that night is so patchy that I don't have a reliable story, and I just didn't want to direct that much energy to something I'd rather move on from. He said that since my rapist didn't face any consequences, he would be prone to do it again. How would I feel if that happened to someone else and I could have stopped it? Really, really effed up thing to say.

Still, I don't regret bringing it up today because I was able to talk to my mom about it. While my therapist couldn't grasp my point of view, my mother took the time to really listen. I was pleasantly surprised.

This definitely isn't how I expected this meeting to go and I may be looking for a new therapist soon. I'm okay though. I'm going to find my self-worth and use my voice. I have no interest in repeating this painful cycle.

[bluekoi]

differentstars, What a thing for a therapist to say! Here - Let me help you feel worse!

It's great that your mom understands.

I think looking for a new therapist is a good idea.

[differentstars]

While I don't agree what my therapist said, I see where he was coming from. Having worked with people convicted of sexual assault, I'm sure he's met some real monsters. I do think his comment was uncalled for though.
Thank you all for helping me through this difficult problem.

[bluekoi]

differentstars, I understand where he is coming from too. You're a strong woman to be so objective.

[monkeybrains21]

It's pretty amazing how ppl who have not been a victim of rape insist on pressing charges. They don't realize we are already a victim because of what some man or men have done to us, and if we do go to the police we are victimized all over again. That's the main reason it is so under reported.

We didn't like being victimized in the first place but we are force to be repeatedly victimized by the system? How is that fair? Does ur T not realize u already feel guilt and shame bein the victim so y lay it in thicker making it ur responsibility to protect unknown women? We don't want more victims we know that. But we go through enough as it is. Our society views women as nothing more than objects for men. Us saying we were raped doesn't make it go away. Nor does it help most of the time since the majority of these predators get off due to statutes or lack of evidence. Then not only r we victimized by the system in having to tell our story and be grilled on details, guess what now that a hole wants us dead for trying I put him away in a place that doesn't look too kindly on rapists.

Differentstars I'm happy u at least hve ur mother there for u for support. Ud be surprised how many of us out there don't even have that.

[differentstars]

Originally Posted by monkeybrains21

It's pretty amazing how ppl who have not been a victim of rape insist on pressing charges. They don't realize we are already a victim because of what some man or men have done to us, and if we do go to the police we are victimized all over again. That's the main reason it is so under reported.

We didn't like being victimized in the first place but we are force to be repeatedly victimized by the system? How is that fair? Does ur T not realize u already feel guilt and shame bein the victim so y lay it in thicker making it ur responsibility to protect unknown women? We don't want more victims we know that. But we go through enough as it is. Our society views women as nothing more than objects for men. Us saying we were raped doesn't make it go away. Nor does it help most of the time since the majority of these predators get off due to statutes or lack of evidence. Then not only r we victimized by the system in having to tell our story and be grilled on details, guess what now that a hole wants us dead for trying I put him away in a place that doesn't look too kindly on rapists.

Differentstars I'm happy u at least hve ur mother there for u for support. Ud be surprised how many of us out there don't even have that.

This does describe my initial apprehension to tell anyone. The last thing I wanted was for someone to say "No, you're lying" or "If you can barely remember anything, how do you know you didn't consent?"

I would say the emotion that best describes how I've felt throughout this whole ordeal is disappointment. I was disappointed that the first guy and his mates weren't going to be the friends I longed for. I was disappointed that I had been led on and used. I was disappointed in myself for being so naive. The most recent incident has left me feeling the same way. I'm disappointed because I thought this guy might want to actually hang out with me. I'm disappointed in myself for not standing up for myself.

I'm glad that more awareness has been raised about this problem lately. After talking with my mom, we agreed it would be a good idea to talk with my 16-year-old brother (since he's getting to be that age). I know there are good men out there and I've learned there are some with ill intentions. It would be nice to help contribute another good man to society. My hope is that if he ever finds himself in a similar situation, he won't stand by and make snarky comments, but step in and stop the assault.

I can't think of anything much worse than victim blaming. I get why people do it though. It's an easy way to pretend that it could never happen to you/your daughter/your sister because you/she would never wear that skanky dress/drink that much/walk alone at night. For men, it's just a cheap excuse to avoid responsibility. In the end, it's wrong and lazy.