Will it help to say it out loud?

This post is about CSA. Please be careful.

Last year, I disclosed CSA to my T by email. We talked about it in the session in a very careful, very general way. My T said: "You're talking about one of the most destructive things someone can do to a human being." I said I felt like I'd been going around for years with a knife sticking out of my head. We didn't discuss specifics or use real words. Later that day, I developed a sore throat and couldn't speak for several hours.

Some time after that, I disclosed to my husband because he found me crying hysterically. I kept saying I couldn't tell him what was wrong and he said I could. So eventually I managed to say something that helped him work it out without me saying it. And again, I developed a sore throat and had trouble speaking.

Those were quite dramatic bodily reactions and I hadn't even said anything really. Ever since then I've been very aware of my inability to actually speak about it, or to tolerate anyone else saying anything too direct. Once my T mentioned my father and I put my hands over my ears and started screaming at him to shut up. Once I rang a helpline and explained it in quite a roundabout way, and the woman repeated it back to me very bluntly: "You mean your father __________"? and I freaked out and hung up the phone.

So I'm afraid of the words. Now I've started to say them inside my head. I can't say them out loud, but I feel like I want to. For a couple of days now, I've been thinking about ringing a helpline, saying that sentence out loud, and then hanging up so I don't even have to hear their reaction. And I can't. It feels important, yet impossible. I feel like I simply cannot say it, even anonymously to a helpline.

But I feel like I need to say it, for some reason. Maybe because it's been unsaid for so long, and typing in an email isn't the same as actually saying the words. Maybe so I can see that the sky won't fall in if I say the words out loud. All I have to do is say it and hang up, but I can't. Does anyone know if it will even help? Have you managed to actually say this out loud, in a complete sentence, using real words?

I feel so overcome with shame even though I know, rationally, that I don't need to be. Maybe that's why I need to say it, and why I can't...

I know it has helped me to say other things out loud.

I just tried saying it out loud to myself and I kept zoning out halfway through.

I think it needs to come out, in words, somehow.

Try to put the shame where it belongs. Words only have the meaning that you give to them. I think saying things out loud is empowering.

It sounds like 2 things could be happening.
1. Saying the words makes it real and can cause us to relive it, which can be terrifying.
2. With any type of abuse done in secret, the child is told to not tell anyone, ever! Now when we try to get help and tell our story, we're afraid to verbalize it because the warning "don't ever tell" is still ringing in our psyches. We would have felt our very lives were in danger never mind the loss of their "love." The psychosomatic laryngitis is completely understandable.

Rather than call a hotline, maybe you could talk to your T who is prof trained to deal with this. Let him know you want to talk about your abuse, but he's not to respond in anyway, just listen. I think this will help you get used to talking about it in a safe environment. When I finally told my abuse story I regressed back to that 4 yr old girl for about a minute. I was still afraid, but because I trusted my T (he spoke to me like I was a little kid) I was able to become adult again and discuss it. That was one of the weirdest things I've ever experienced but very healing.

It has helped me to start saying it out loud. I found it makes a difference who it is said out loud to. Feeling safe while speaking the truth has been a huge factor for me. I tried to tell twice when I was still in the midst of the abuse. Big failure because I chose the wrong people to tell. I never spoke of it again until I got into therapy...ahh, safety...finally there is my voice that was silenced at age 5.

I hear you Tinyrabbit, and can empathize with your feelings of shame and silence. I am even at this point only able to say the words to my therapist, my husband and my sister (who lived the same childhood I did). Still can't say the words to my brother who is implicit in maintaining the family lie.

It's like there's an argument going on between adult me who knows I'm allowed to say it and the child me who is afraid to. I often regress to feeling like a child in T...

I am so sick of the power of unspoken words. I rang Samaritans, talked about the burden of silence, whispered it, hung up and cried hysterically. Then I phoned my T and left him a fairly nonsensical voicemail about how I'd said "it" out loud. Now I'm just feeling kind of ridiculous.

Sidenote: I actually prefer it if my T DOES respond as otherwise I imagine he's thinking all sorts of awful things.

I can totally, totally empathise with what you're going through. I'm not sure exactly what words I used when I told my T, but he understood enough that I can now reference it and he knows what I'm talking about.
But I find the A word still really hard to say. My T asked me (I really can't remember how he worded it) what I want from therapy on that issue, and I said it was enough for now to know he knows, and I can talk to him about it if I need to. That's where the empowerment lies for me, in knowing he knows and understands. I think that the ability to verbalise will come with time, and isn't vital to begin the healing process, so don't be hard on yourself if you struggle to say it.

Your brother sounds like mine and I'm sorry to hear it. I'm also so sorry to hear you weren't helped when you first disclosed.

That makes sense. For me it's just been about being able to not be totally alone with it. My T and I have developed some kind of code phrases to refer to it.

But some part of me wanted to speak the words. Not sure if I feel any better for having done so yet.

You are being kept a prisoner by word(s) ; hopefully you can take some of the power out of those words, once you choose to say them. You know how if you say word over and over, pretty soon it doesn't even make sense any more......can you write the words.....and eventually read them outloud eventually?

That makes a lot of sense, thank you. And I totally agree with the first line.

I can't say it, imagine saying it in my head, or write it. When my t forgets and says certain words I cover my ears, but t says in the future We will work on saying it.

I just feel disgusted .

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Well, I can't imagine saying it again any time soon.

I'm not sure if my reaction afterwards was cathartic misery or just blind panic...

I know this is not the same thing at all - but at my best friend's birthday party in fourth grade, my parents made me give her a dollar bill in a plain white envelope. Not even a birthday card. Another girl at the party told me this was really wrong - as her best friend, i should have gotten her the best present. But my parents wanted to send a message that they didnt appreciate being asked to buy things for other little girls. They thought parents should provide for their own children and that was it.

I was distraught over this for longer than you can probably imagine. I finally talked to this girl about it at our 25 year high school reunion. I apologized, and she was very sweet. She had her own kids by then. Telling her really did make me feel better. Ive been thinking about this incident ever since you posted this thread. I think part of the shame is that our parents substituted their "being" for ours in these episodes. We had to give ourselves up over to them. We werent allowed to be ourselves. We were silenced. We werent allowed to speak for ourselves. And maybe thats why talking about it helps.

Like i say, mine is such a trivial example, but the shame ended our friendship and was really never ending.

I don't think this is trivial at all. It has haunted you your whole life. Because of what your parents did, you had to feel the shame not them, and you're still feeling the shame. Your parents wanted to send a message at your expense with no regard as to how it was going to effect you or your friendship.

Abusive parents are great silencers in so many ways.

The more dirt I tell my T about my family the better I feel and can put things in an adult perspective.

I agree 100%. Hankster I'm sorry you had that experience.

Hi tinyrabbit, be kind and gentle to yourself. The words will come when you are ready. So there is no need to push yourself. What you are dealing with and coming to terms with is an enormous trauma. Take the pressure off a bit. Concentrate on loving yourself and that little girl that was you all those years ago. Love her like you would any little child who has suffered and been hurt the way you were. Make her feel so safe and loved.

The best place to work on saying the words is with your therapist. It's a safe place and they'll be best placed to get you through it. Does your therapist do hypnotherapy? I've found that incredibly helpful in getting me through the toughest times.

Big hugs. Take care of you!! Xx

Thanks SeaBreeze. My T is trained in hypnotherapy but there's no way I'm able to try it as I like to feel in control...

I think that if you feel the need to say it verbally, then maybe you could try sitting with yourself and saying it. I think there has to be a certain level of comfort within yourself in order to wrap your head around it.
I know for me, I had never said it and when I did finally get to that point, I had to be completely alone, away from distractions and people.
It was weird for me. Just in general, in my body and in myself, I felt weird. I have since gotten better at conveying it. But at first I really struggled.

It's not fair. People who are supposed to love and protect you aren't supposed to hurt you. And it's not fair that victims are left to clean up a mess that they didn't create.

Verbalisation can be a double-edged sword. Once you hear it come out of you, after being silenced for so long, in that moment you get your voice back, but you also admit you have work to do. We are not to blame for what happened, but we are responsible for transforming it. No one can do that for us. It sounds harsh, but when you think about it, it puts the power right back where it should always have been - in our hands.

I verbalised in stages. I was afraid of hearing many things out loud, but what I found was that those things I was most afraid of saying, once spoken, lost their power over me. the secrecy of abuse, the lurking in the shadows, is what gives it so much power - that isolates us and disempowers us. Verbalisation shines a light in the shadows of our experience, and helps to melt the witch.