[Solepa]

Tomorrow morning I am planing to go and look into my medical records that are with my GP.
I am quite anxious and scared about it. It is a big deal in many ways.

I am in therapy for over 1 year and I got there because I was unable to finish my masters and lost all interest in life, plus suffered anxiety since childhood. I felt like I am broken and just very much all wrong. I felt I had no reason to have problems or anything. Nothing ever happened to me and I could not understand why this was happening.

After all these months in therapy I learned I was in biggest denial of all and I was actually pretty badly abused in various ways. I just told few situations from everyday life from my childhood like there were not big deal but my therapist (not only her) saw it as abuse.

I feel I admitted to myself part of it but I still feel it is not a big deal as people think it is. I mainly feel like it is maybe all made up (subconsciously) even that for the first time in my life my issues make sense but I feel it can´t be this bad it can´t be true. My parents would never do this... right? I feel it is all in my head actually and I am very very bad person for making them seem bad.

Some time ago I found out there are medical records with my GP from my paediatric and some specialists I went to see as a child that might proof things were actually real and not only in my head.
Now I have the courage to go and see them but I am still kinda scared though.

If there will be proof I was abused it would change everything. It is so much easier to hate myself for making things up then actually knowing it happened.

Anybody ever searched for any proof or came across anything that made it all very much real and not only from their perspective ( yeah I don´t trust myself to be objective enough).
I would love to hear about your experiences or maybe just few words of encouragement would mean a lot right now.

Thank you and best wishes on your journeys

[ThisWayOut]

As someone who has looked at her own medical records just a few days ago, and known what would be in there (for the most part), I highly, HIGHLY recommend not looking at them without a supportive person around (your therapist might be best for that). It sounds like you are going to be seeing some stuff for the first time, and potentially breaking through a defense system you have in place for a while. That doesn't necesseserily sound like a huge thing, but it is.
I knew my medical records would be rough. I knew I was looking at details of two major breakdowns I had in the past, and I knew they were really tough times for me. I knew many of my providers had said I was hopeless (they told me on more than one occasion, one actually cursing at me as he yelled it). I knew I had several really rough hospitalizations, but nothing prepared me for seeing their frustration and hopelessness on paper. It threw me more than I would have expected. I have a background of working in mental health, and I know what I have seen in other people's records (so I was aware of the judgements that make it into the records), but it was a very different experience reading all that about myself. Timing worked out so that I saw my therapist the next day, but if I had to do it again, I would not have looked at them without her there. It was a sobering read, but very difficult at the same time.
To potentially be confirming your fears is a huge thing. Please take that into consideration. I would suggest at least telling your therapist you will be doing that, and see what his or her opinion is about it. Also make sure that they are accessible for after, when all the info hits you like a ton of bricks. My records confirmed in writing what I feared: that most of the people I came into contact with felt I was a lost cause... That's a really scary thing to have to face (even if my more knowledgeable providers did not share that sentiment). A lot of the things I was told I was "paranoid" about (not in the clinical sense, but just that my fears were unfounded) were in fact true in my records. There's no real way to prepare yourself for that... so just be careful, and make sure you have supports around you whom you can talk to and turn to.

[Solepa]

Thank you very much for sharing your experience I really appreciate it. I hope you got support from your current T and you are working with professionals now that give you hope and encouragement rather then hopeless attitude.

I will be seeing my T tomorrow evening so I was thinking it would be good to look in the records the same day I have my session. She knows about the records and is waiting for me to be ready to go look. I did not see her for 2 weeks now due to holidays so she doesn´t know I made up my mind already.
I don´t really know what to expect. I just remember my mum taking me to paediatric gynaecologist when I was really small on numerous occasions. I don´t remember why I just know I hated it. I know the records from these visits are there. And as there are some signs of sexual abuse I am hoping it will clear things up somehow.

[ThisWayOut]

I'm glad you will have support. Good luck...

[someone321]

I hope that today everything will go okay with your records and then T afterwards (I think it was a pretty good idea to book T at the same day). I can only imagine how difficult it can be because if you actually find a "proof", it will be like it was there the whole time, someone wrote it, someone saw it and still didn't help... I remember that my grandma also took me to gynecologist when I was 5 or 6 and it did not change anything and after many years when the family got to know about something, she said that "it actually explains everything, your whole behavior as a kid", so this probably could be called as coming "across anything that made it all very much real and not only from their perspective"...

Good luck

[Solepa]

Thank you someone321 for your wishes. I need to update you guys as it did not work out the way I planned.
I went to my GP and asked to see my childhood records but my GP said she doesn´t have them. I was sure she has as I believed I took it there myself when I was leaving pediatric doctor.
The situation then was pretty chaotic as my childhood doctor give me the records when I was 18 to give to my new one but I looked inside and found out I am adopted. I went to see my doctor again with them to make sure I am seeing right as it was shock for me. It is possible I left the records with my childhood doctor then I don´t know. She is on holidays now and will be coming back in 2 weeks. I hope she will have them as I fear they got lost or something which would suck as there is all my childhood medical records.

So nothing changes for a bit longer.... it is like something doesn´t want me to see it or I don´t know.

[Parley]

That bites~ I know it's an emotional roller coaster because I've had a couple rides myself. I'm trying to get a statement I wrote in my younger years and recently learned it's not in my file. I wasn't surprised to hear it and I know where they can look but it still knocked me back.

Best of luck to ya~