[shakespeare47]

This may be triggering to some that have experienced sexual abuse.
I haven't talked about this particular aspect of my abuse in 20 years. I think I do have some amnesia related to the sexual abuse I experienced when I was 10....

I can remember talking to the guy at our house (he was just a plumber who helped with some minor installation at our home, and was there maybe a day or 2), he asked my parents if I could spend the night, and they said, "yes"... and I remember the night before. I remember going shopping with the guy, and him buying me all kinds of stuff, cartons of ice cream, for one thing.

I remember going back to his place, and eating... but, I don't remember how much, or what we ate... I remember sitting and watching television for a while. Then he started acting kind of nervous.... and told me it was time to go to bed. I wanted to sleep on the couch, but he wanted me to sleep in his bed. I think I fell asleep, and was awakened by him fondling me. I was upset and started to cry, and he actually apologized and said he was sorry if he had hurt me.

What I don't remember is falling asleep, or whether or not I slept at all.

What I don't remember is certain portions of the next morning. I don't remember waking up or getting up, I don't remember what I did in that apartment before we left to get breakfast. I do remember the restaurant where we ate breakfast. I remember eating breakfast, and I remember the ride home, I remember him dropping me off.

I do know that I had a fear of strange bathrooms. And I remember that I wanted to take a bath at home with my underwear on... I remember talking about these things with the first therapist I talked to when I was in my 20's.... and I remember being in absolute dread at times while I talked about those things. I remember being so distraught during that time (in my 20's), that I attempted suicide while I was in the care of that therapist.

I suspect that I may have been molested or worse that morning, also... and since this happened when I was ten, you'd think I would have some memories of that morning before we left.. but, I don't. And, it's kinda strange in that even while I'm typing this, I feel nothing out of the ordinary..

I'd love to find the counselor I talked to when I was in my 20's... and find out what I told her back then.

[Travelinglady]

Hey, Shakespeare47. Our mind can certainly block out painful memories. Maybe you can find a new therapist to talk to about these issues.

[shakespeare47]

I am currently seeing a therapist... I'll bring it up.

Are there therapists that deal specifically with trauma? I sometimes wonder if I should find a counselor who has had a lot of experience with PTSD and/or Complex PTSD.

While I do have some respect for my current T, he seems to see me more as a person who causes problems, vs as a victim of childhood sexual abuse.

[Open Eyes]

If you have a history that is challenged I personally feel you should find a therapist that specializes in that and also "complex PTSD" and dealing with trauma patients. The therapist I have is very experienced with it and it REALLY makes a difference.

I am sorry you are wondering about this and "can't" remember, unfortunately the brain can self protect by hiding these challenges and disassociating from them. It's how children can be resiliant and keep going even though they were threatened in some way.
The point is the you "did" survive it, but, it may have led to you avoiding certain things you are not really "aware" of.

[MotownJohnny]

Yes, there are - do a google search for trauma therapy in your area.

[shakespeare47]

I've been trying to find the counselor who treated me over 20 years ago. I think she me be able to jog some memories for me. I have the name of the person who actually referred me to her. So, now my next task is to try to find him.

[shakespeare47]

Well. I took one more step... i got a message to the person who did the referring. Hopefully he will call me back..
I also printed off the original post and gave it to my counselor tonight. We will continue to talk about it.

[shakespeare47]

So, I let my T see the original post, and we'll start trying to see what I can remember. I did have a few tidbits that came back, like the bathroom had wall-paper with naked women on it.

I also recall that I have had several very uncomfortable episodes when I started to feel fear and dread in relation to the abuse....

I remember once when I was in high school, I believe, I had a very strong feeling of dread when I spent the night at a friend's house, and got up to use the bathroom in the morning...
Another time, when I was in my 20's I had a job that required me to stay in hotels, and once I started feeling chills and shaking uncontrollably, along with an overwhelming feeling of being alone, when I was just sitting in the strange hotel room in my underwear,.... I never wore pajamas, even when I was a kid, I've always slept in my underwear.

[shakespeare47]

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

Well. I took one more step... i got a message to the person who did the referring. Hopefully he will call me back..
I also printed off the original post and gave it to my counselor tonight. We will continue to talk about it.

I'm feeling discouraged. I got a message to the person who referred me. But, I haven't heard back from him. I alienated myself from some friends I knew back then... and I had to contact them in order to get the information.... they were very cold in their responses. only giving me the information I asked for, and asked nothing, literally nothing about me or how I was doing. Of course they're still Christians, and I've moved on, that could have something to do with it. But, I also did a lot to damage our relationships... I think I just wanted to forget everything about my old life.

I still hope that maybe the guy will contact me.. but, it's also possible that the therapist I talked to 25 years ago has died, or is not even in contact with the guy who referred me. But, I'd at least like to find out her name, and at least try to make contact.

[Bluegrey]

I hope that the counsellor does get back in touch with you, Shakespeare47.

Also that the current therapist - or a replacement if you can find someone more likely to be helpful - can help you through this.

I experienced what I think was relatively mild sexual abuse as a child (the memory of the incident is obscured) and have only recently realised that it is still having an effect on me now. So I don't have anything in terms of advice, but just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you.


Bluegrey

[shakespeare47]

I met with a counselor for a few years, then left. Now, 5 years later, I've started seeing him again.

We're talking about everything in this thread.