poss trigger

i know i have no right to post so am not expecting any response. just want to get stuff out cos otherwise im going to lose it.
been journaling some today and halfway through i started to feel so nauseous i had to fight hard not to throw up. i cant sit still in class any more. just feel like im writhing inside trying to run. have had pins and needles down my right arm for days now and today it spread to my left too.
having a lot of trouble focusing and breathing and feel dizzy and disconnected. like im under water. i keep jumping and flinching all the time. i cant keep this up.
started to read stuff this evening online half way through a binge and suddenly couldnt keep it down. threw up not like normal but uncontrollably.
i cant get these thoughts out of my head. am totally obsessing. they re hammering and hammering and hammering. they re there all the time. standing at the bus stop and all of a sudden my eyes focus and i realise where ive been in my head and want to die. or walking through college. even sitting in lectures. i cant listen to the tutors. i cant hold conversations. half the time inside is screaming to cut, to die and i sit smiling while im seeing or thinking about these ... god these thoughts in my head.
how do i make this stop? its like ive opened something and its taking me away. i feel like a shell being eaten from the inside by this. i just want to smash the shell and let it all out and i cant. i cant i cant i cant. im trying so hard to stay together.
i dont know about going back to my T. i cant talk about whats going on in my head. not possible. not without a LOT of alcohol at least and i cant stand her there wanting me to talk and wanting to help and not knowing that she cant because i wont let her because shes too nice. i am utterly incapable of introducing this into her space thats so clean.
i cant ask for help because i cant accept it and nobody understands how much i dont deserve it. i cant keep going. i cant stop. i dont know where to go or what to do. i need a constant drug induced haze. i need to get out of my life. i dont care what goes on around me as long as im not here inside myself. but i cant hurt people so i have to be successful. i cant bow out because i owe people and people blindly care and i cant hurt them.
im afraid to cut. i feel so sick and my arms feel so awful. they wont rest.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((biiv))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Please Biiv, please go into that space with your t! I felt so similar with her "clean space" but it will welcome you. You will be okay there....you need to go there.

I'm worried about you, I've felt what your feeling and it's very scary and so vulnerable....

You do deserve to feel better, you are absolutely worthwhile. You are important, we care about you and we are hurting when you're hurting.

What can I do Biiv to make you feel better? PM me if you need to. I understand, i do. What you've said here resonted with me....very deeply.....I'm crying with you okay?

((((((((biiv))))))))))))
(tears falling) soooo understand.

biiv,
itoo am crying with you. you are not alone.i am with you in spirit, always holding your hand. i know this sounds corny because we are communicating by writing only, we've never metassuch, but i do love you, we share the same feelings and emotions we have a connection in that way. please know that i am here always for you, pm me if you need to.

keep safe and remember you have so many friends on here, life can be hard, but we can ALWAYS overcome depression some way or another. i find it helps to keep writing things and talking and crying. crying cleanses the soul i believe.

thinking of you,

jinnyann (kerry) xxxx

smile through the rain and you will find your rainbow xx

Hello Biiv.
Ihope you feel better soon. Take care Sincerely Soidhonia

thank you everyone who posted on this thread to me. i havent been up to replying as im still feeling pretty much the same. today i got some time to meditate for a bit and journal which gave me a bit of peace for a while. i am going to try to get some reiki done tomorrow. that always helps me sleep well after at least and i so need the rest.
i didnt mean to make people cry. please dont feel bad for me. i genuinely dont deserve sympathy. i am sorry though that you all understand.
(((((((((((all who feel this)))))))))))