[RevoZogg]

My childhood was a time of pain. I had a mother who was possessive, ridiculing, deriding, contemptuous, and always always always angry. This she did not show this to everyone of course, she chose me for that. I have now in adulthood understood that she's got a narcissistic personality disorder. I have read about how narcissistic parents can behave and it fits very well. She would reverse the parent child role, making me responsible for chores. And generally require me to be an extension of her. I was not allowed to decide what to wear and often not even to have my own opinion. This continued well into my late 20s, when I finally left her for good.

My father and mother split when I was 7. Me and mom moved to another town, dad and my older sibling stayed behind. Mom moved together with a new boyfriend, that pretended to be some kind of dad to me, but clearly had no feelings for me. He had alcohol problems, and was a rather selfish person. He expected to have a lot of private spaces around the house where he put his stuff, that you were not allowed to touch or move. He got drunk most nights and then pretended he was the only one living there, playing music and doing stuff.

My real father has always be afraid of my moms temper and "strong will" and never defended me in any situation that I can remember. What he did instead is say that he didn't want to get in between us, and pretended he is was some kind of wise diplomat for taking that position. I have since early childhood felt totally abandoned. Mom liked to make attention seeking situations, where "bio dad" would be required to meet with us to discuss me and my problem behavior; I was "talking back" and generally "lazy".

My life is totally dysfunctional, I have little or no motivation. It has been drained from all my failures in life. I am on the near bottom of society just making days pass pretty much. Once I had dreams and goals. Socially they were low, but professionally high. I can't even get small chores done, and I don't feel genuine untainted happiness in doing recreational things. Got no friends. I've had lots of therapy.

Here's the question: I have a fear of failure, I understand that and why. I am also a total uber perfectionist, but the irrational feeling I also know I have is that I don't want to be happy and succeed; I want to be sorry and miserable so I won't make my parents proud. I have a lot of resentment and anger. I used to smash a lot of things. I've been called "self defeating" by intelligent people I've made internet friends with.

I'm sure some will say that this is something that I should not worry about, because such evil parents as I must have had, they surely do not feel any love. But I am not so sure about that! I think loving people can do bad things too if they are screwed up enough. And mine are extremely immature baby boomers. Denial is a very powerful human skill.

When I have confronted my dad with his cowardice over that years, I have seen in the corner of his eye that he understands. But he has never taken any responsibility for it, all I get is that he is sorry for "misunderstandings". He is in denial mode and I'm sold down the river. He married a new wife too very soon, and has always been totally focused on the new family. His wife is very demanding emotionally.

[kaliope]

hi revozogg
so hopefully you can come to a point in your life where you can let your parents go and choose to live life for yourself, no longer avoid succeeding so they have nothing to be proud of, rather seek success because you want more for yourself. they screwed up, that doesn't mean you have to. you have the choice to make your life different. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[RevoZogg]

Originally Posted by kaliope

hi revozogg
so hopefully you can come to a point in your life where you can let your parents go and choose to live life for yourself, no longer avoid succeeding so they have nothing to be proud of, rather seek success because you want more for yourself. they screwed up, that doesn't mean you have to. you have the choice to make your life different. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

Any suggestion on how to get over the feelings I have?

I feel such deep resentment that I do not want to do anything that might make them happy or make their life more comfortable; By failing I am an eye sore in their social life, or at least that is my hope. I am what they made me. If I were (even reasonably) successful people might think they were good parents.