[Lady Lindsey]

Some days I just want to hide my head under the covers and never come out of hiding..... Today is one of those days.
I had a very busy week. I try and keep myself distracted and busy so I don't have time to think. I am just tired of trying, tired of living (no I'm not thinking of doing anything stupid), I am tired of pretending

Sometimes I wonder if others can see through the mess that is me. Through the mask I put on each day to face the world..? if they only knew how exhausting it was to pretend everything was alright.

For once in my life I want someone to take care of me. To appreciate me for just being me! Not for what they want me to be, or what I can do for them or give them or help them with!

I'm tired of taking one step forward and two steps back. I am tired of pretending nothing bad happened to me. I am tired of being the one who everyone in my family comes to to fix things. For once in my life I Just want to fall apart, and let someone else take care of things

I want to be able to trust again. I want to know true love. I want to be accepted for who I am.... I am just tired

But I don't have time to stay in bed.. So once again, it is time to put on that mask let the world think I have my life put together and pretend to be someone other than I am!
if only they knew the scared little girl I really am looking at them through the mask of a confident women

I'm tired of pretending....I'm tired of being me. I hate myself

[SkyWhite]

Please don't hate yourself. I know how tired you feel. I get tired of all this too, every day in fact. All the pretending, all the tears behind the façade we show everyone. So many times I wanted to curl up and disappear. And sometimes being physically tired can bring on all these negative thoughts too. I realized I need a lot more rest these days.

What helps me sometimes is I try to think of one positive thing in my life. One thing that makes me smile or feel good.

Hang in there, you're not alone.

[Lady Lindsey]

SkyWhite, it is so hard not to hate myself when I have so much bad things that happened to me that somehow I feel are my fault I know I work on this with my T all the time but I just feel like everything that happened to me I could have stopped some how. I know my T says I was too little, but some how I feel because I am bad or evil I csused this all to happen to me. How could so many bad things happen to one person If somehow they didnt deserve It. Even when I got shot it was my fault but somehow I feel it was somehow my fault. That is why I hate myself!

But today was a good day I had a better day after I was forced to take a day off because my computer for work fried and had to ne sent off to IT for repair. My BPD husband wasn't home today nobody was here I turned my cell phones off . I just enjoyed my day. Spent time enjoying time with my horses, working In the barn and the garden. oh I did buy another horse I tend to buy things when I am stressed. But I am looking forward to bringing her home next week. She is a spotted saddle Tennessee walker
So overall I enjoyed my day and dont feel so tired anymore