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exchristian
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Member Since: Sep 2014
Location: USA
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8 yr Member
Default Sep 20, 2014 at 03:08 PM
  #1
I'm 23 and I feel like my parents - whether intentional or unintentional - are keeping me here as much as possible like a prisoner.

I was homeschooled for high school and I feel like that was a total bust. English and History went fine because I decided to take control of that myself. However, I feel like I still have only an 8th grade level grasp of math and science. Of course I took absolutely NO testing (SAT/ACT). Thank god I got an actual diploma though.

I was never taught how to drive. My parents refuse to teach me. They keep saying they will save up enough money for me to take driving lessons soon. They've been saying that for the past 8 years. Whereever I go, whatever I do outside the home (unless someone else drives me) is completely under their control and refuse to drive me places that they don't agree with "morally".

They have access to my bank account. Despite my pleads, it is always "inconvenient" for them to take me personally to deposit or withdraw money. They insist on taking my money themselves and withdrawing or depositing not in my presence. They usually do as I ask but I feel like they do it just to feel in control. I see this on my bank statement....which I get in the mail, which my parents give me already ripped opened and looked at before I even know of its existence. Again, all this wouldn't be a big deal if in the past they haven't withdrawn thousands of dollars of my money from my bank account and not tell me about it until after they've spent it. They make sincere efforts to pay me big but I'm sure I will never again see the bulk of it. I don't even really know how to make withdrawals or deposits because I was never taught, it was always done for me. Now that I want to take control, they don't teach me.

I work for them. The only other legit job I've had is at a place across the street which they deemed innocent enough. Problem is, they didn't think I'd fall in love with a co-worker. So now I have a boyfriend, and I try to escape to his house any chance I get. This is how I try to get another job but being homeschooled with little job experience is not getting me hired. If I suggest a job to my parents, they automatically say no. If I don't tell them and get an interview, they refuse to drive me. We don't live in a place where I can easily walk to many other places or even a bus or train.

The only bill I have is a cell phone bill, which I never have actually seen. Again, it is ripped open without my knowledge. It is paid for without my knowledge. It is then lorded over me, as an "Well, I did this for you, so this is what you can do for me." I would rather just pay the bill but I do not get that choice.

On top of all this, my mom is a raging fundamentalist Christian who calls me a ***** who is going to hell at every opportunity she gets. Nowadays I will only ask a simple question and she turns it into a screaming match and will lecture me about my soul going on a spiraling path of crisis. I feel like she knows I'm trying to pull away and she's freaking out.

I want real world advice. I'm not looking for a therapist or anything, I could do that in the future. I want to get away from them controlling my life. I feel we could have a somewhat normal relationship once I get away and establish my boundaries. This is my hope although she has already estranged her other child.

What do I do? What should I deal with first?
I almost feel like it's impossible...I have no mode of transportation unless I'm with my boyfriend, I don't know how to access my money, I have no reliable education, I have no source of income, I have no real hope of finding a job soon.......
Please. I'm begging for realistic help. Help me make an escape plan.
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Default Sep 20, 2014 at 07:57 PM
  #2
are you able to find your birth certificate and social security card? do they give you spending money for when you go out with your boyfriend? if so, he could take you to the dmv to get an id card. could he teach you how to drive in his car? you say they pay you well. is there enough money in there for you to move out on? would your boyfriend let you move in with him? are you at that stage in your relationship? if you can get an id then you could go to the bank and withdraw all the money in your account. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

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Thanks for this!
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keefsgirl13
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Default Sep 21, 2014 at 05:00 PM
  #3
I have to say if they are opening mail addressed to you and only you. Their name is not on the address of the envelope this is a federal offense in the united states. Call the bank and request that your parents be removed from your account you may need to get your boyfriend or a friend to take you there to sign papers for it. If they were put on when you were a minor you should be able to remove them no problem. While you are out at the bank then go to the bmv or DMV whichever your state has. You can at least pick up a booklet to study from that will help with the written part. And since you have internet access sometimes you can find the info online.

Definitely find your social security card and your identifying paperwork ie birth certificate, state I'd, tax forms. Find a safe place where your parents cannot access them. If you cannot find them you may need to get replacements...search online for birth certificate replacements. You can order one with name date of birth city and state you were born in. See if they will deliver to a po box and think about getting one. Usually under 25 dollars for three months (send anything you do not want your parents opening to there) try going once a week to pick up the mail or get two keys and have a friend or trusted relative pick it up for you.

Use your cell phone and contact your county assistance office usually job and family services but can vary, if you don't know what your state has try 211...have pen and paper ready they will give you a list of places to contact and help with assistance. Contact the county first they should have training and transportation help for you. I have a friend who received help locating a job including filling out applications and they give her help around the house. So ask if they have help for you to learn daily living activities. There is also shelters that provide this kind of help and then help you find your own place depending on the state. I've done a lot of assistance research.

Also you mentioned a sibling while I know its not ideal it might be another person to help you. Possibly someone to stay with until you can get on your feet and catch up with the daily items.

And as for the testing you can research online and they have registration there along with courses to brush up on items. Do the research and then decide. Also there are fees to this but I think you can apply to waive them.
I personally would take care of the mail, the bank, and the personal docs. You'll need your social security number and birth certificate for a lot of things so hopefully you can locate them.
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Default Sep 21, 2014 at 05:41 PM
  #4
Before you can move out you need to consider several things.
- shelter
- food
- clothing
- money
The biggest question is how desperate you are to move out. I don't mean to sound callous, but this is as realistic as I can be. Now, you can move out. You can pack a bag with some belongings and leave.
1. Money - You can try to empty your bank account, but you would need to do so before they find out you are gone and take it all first. To get the money you will need to know which bank to go to, and you will need to bring identification. You may also try to bring the bank statement which should help them know which account is yours and that it is yours. But your name needs to be on it. If it is not in your name, you don't have access.

After you withdraw it you can go somewhere else (and I suggest going to a completely different bank) and open an account yourself. This will help to not be robbed. And if your parents were to find you, you don't have cash they can take.

Please note: Since your parents pay your phone bill, you may need to get a new contract as they will probably call and disconnect your phone service once they have found out you have left

2. Shelter - This is super important. You need somewhere to sleep and to keep your stuff. If you cannot stay with friends you can go to a domestic violence shelter or some other shelter. As much as this is not your stereotypical domestic violence, it still is. It's just your parents and not a husband or boyfriend who is doing it. They can probably help you find temporary housing. They are also able to help you find a job to build your resume or to send you to free job training classes to build your resume. You will most likely need ID for this. If at all possible, get your social security card and birth certificate. If your parents won't give them to you, you could fake having a job interview at a place they approve of and tell them you need to bring your social security and birth certificate. This isn't super unusual for a business to do. Or if you want to pretend to volunteer somewhere they approve of, if there are children there you would need a CORI check (if you are in the us) which would require you to bring those as well. If you cannot get ID before you leave, then it may take a little longer or involve a few more steps. But the government/hospital will have records of your birth certificate (hospital) and your social security card can probably be re-issued using your birth certificate just like if your house burned down or you lost it somewhere.

Clothing - That is kind of important, but should not be hard to obtain. A homeless shelter, or domestic violence shelter, or even a church or food pantry should be able to provide you will enough.

Food - Again, food pantries will be able to give you food and once you have the necc. ID's then you can apply for food stamps (again, US)

Lastly, I suggest you carefully (but secretly) plan this out before you do it. You can map out food pantries or shelter or get in touch with friends or whatever you need to do. But it's a big decision, so just make a plan and a back up plan and a worst case scenario plan.
If you can, you may want to bring expensive items you might have (jewelry, electronics, name brand stuff) to sell or pawn if you run out of money. Also, remember to pack anything sentimental so pretend like your house is going to burn down tomorrow and anything you don't take won't be salvaged.
If you are in a small town and/or your parents have a lot of power or know people who do you may consider going further away. Obviously this depends on your situation.

I really hope this does not seem harsh. And I am in no ways discouraging you from running away. You are a grown woman and you should not be kept captive, especially in an abusive and disrespectful environment.
I really hope this helps, and that you keep in touch if you need more help or just to tell us how you are.

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