[Rainydaiz]

Hi All
I'm new to this and not sure my post will get to where it needs to be but here goes.
I also don't know the rules for when people put *possible trigger* and don't want to upset anyone so let me know when I should put that in future.

I've been in therapy for a few years now, phobias, anxieties, depression; went through transference stuff, most of the therapy revolved around my mother etc. Basic stuff. However a couple of months ago I decided to tell my t about an incident with my doctor when I was small. It was something I've never forgotten, but hadn't really thought about either. Someone that hasn't really bothered me and thought was fairly unremarkable. It came up in relation to shame. We were talking about shame and I said I felt a lot of shame and I did when I was little too. I remembered the doctor putting a stamp on my hand of a naked man and pointing out the body parts to me. I remember this clearly and I also remember feeling dreadful shame about it, totally awful. I also remember being at home and trying to scrub this stamp off my hand with a nail brush and my mum asking me what I was doing. I can't remember what I told her but I remember her seeming a bit cross about it (not with me though). I found it very hard to tell my t the incident at the time and his whilst I was telling her because I felt crippling shame. I had recorded this session on my iPhone because my t had forgotten her dictaphone and I said I would send her the recording by email. This also corresponded with a general feeling that something may have happened to me when I was younger. Just a feeling, no memory. Reading about it I have a few of the symptoms of csa, but I don't really know. The biggest symptom is night terrors which I get a few times a week - I record on sleep talk app. It started me thinking obsessively about whether something might have happened. I listened back to the recording and I shocked myself as I heard myself lie to my t about what the doctor had called the man's privates. I never lie to my t- I might not tell her stuff, but never knowingly lie. And though I told a couple of close friends and my husband about the doc incident I never used the word he used.

ANYWAY! In therapy this week my t tried to get me to say the word, I struggled with it and she was saying I could say it or go home wishing I had. I asked why it was so important and she said because why should a simple word have so much power over you? Eventually I said it, hidden in the cushions. She tried to get me to sit back up, and when I did she repeatedly said the word to me- she said later she was trying to take away the power of the word by desensitising me to it. However I lost control- I screamed the place down, I was terrified, crying hysterically. I've never really lost it in front of her either. I shocked myself by how scared I was -totally petrified. She managed to ground me and calm me down. Afterwards I was in shock, wanted to sleep, struggling to concentrate etc.

So this is what I hope someone can help me with.
Does this sound like a flashback to you? My t says only I can know that but I'm curious to what other people's experiences are. I had no visual memory or anything; it was literally a v strong emotion. (I've never felt fear like it in real life).

If it is, should it expect more to come? Do they start slowly and then more and more come until I can make sense of what happened (if something happened).

I wonder what your experiences of flashbacks has been like?

Sorry for long post. I hope someone will be able to answer.

Many thanks

[Can't Stop Crying]

First - you are very courageous for posting..it certainly is hard to do and I commend you for that!

I can tell you a little bit about my experiences...I have never really repressed memories - I've repressed the emotions and the physical sensations, but never the cognitive part.

When I have flashbacks, I feel like I am in two worlds...the past and the present occurring simultaneously...

I have also had times where I feel like I am "spaced out" and when I start paying attention again, I have a very disoriented feeling...usually accompanied with anxiety.

I also have words, smells, objects that are very triggering for me and I avoid them at all costs because of the feelings associated with them.

I have been told that your mind allows you to start remembering things when you are ready....

for me it wasn't the actual events, it was the vivid recall that I started feeling...and that started really slow and then built up quickly when I started addressing with t.

not sure if this helps...just my experience

ps - I put a trigger icon on my post so you know what it looks like, and my feeling about using the trigger icon is to always err on the side of caution...I would rather use it too much instead of not enough, but that is just me...

[Rainydaiz]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me I really appreciate it. I relate a little to a couple of things you said...about the two worlds at the same time and about the spaced out feeling. It was very strange. Maybe it'll make more sense if it ever happens again. This was definitely triggered by a particular word so perhaps it was a flashback. I think perhaps I don't quite want to believe it-and yet at the same time I do. Thanks again for your reply!

[Can't Stop Crying]

keep posting...sometimes putting the experience into words and then rereading helps to clarify...hang in there...I know it's not easy!

[Rainydaiz]

Will do - thank you

[RainbowG]

It's also possible that there is no more to the memory than what you remember and the emotional reaction is your body processing the pain. When I began my healing journey, I had a very physical experience of anger. For about a week, I would lie down on the bed and writhe and groan and cry. I've also had body memories of the SA from my mother. I have only a few actual memories of it, though I know there are more that I'm not recalling. In my experience, the bodily reaction is a cleansing experience and brings relief (not completely and not instantaneously, but over time).

There certainly may be more to remember, and it might come out in dreams, so you might want to monitor them carefully.

I must say, though, that I don't approve of what your T did. I feel like she was following her agenda and not what was in your best interests. Working slowly towards the word was totally possible and a gentler form of healing for you. I know it takes time to develop a relationship with a T, but we do need to be aware that a T who can effectively treat things like phobias, anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues may not do well with SA. It takes a set of very different skills to work with such an issue. Just something to consider when trying to work on this with her.

[Rainydaiz]

Thank you Rainbow for your reply. I think I understand what you're saying. I did feel a little relief after it happened despite feeling confused and spaced out. In fact I was laughing a bit in shock which felt very strange to me as I was actually terrified. I am monitoring my dreams and sleep talk every night. There is quite alot coming out in the dreams and sleep talk/night terrors. This feels harder to connect to anything in the past though as I could just put it down to 'just dreams'. Whereas the fear experience the other day was so bizzare it made me think something must've happened. I appreciate your concern over my t. I think we both know she made a mistake doing what she did and she regrets it. Neither of us know whether anything did happen to me yet, in fact it wasn't even part of the discussion that night, I'm not sure why I brought it up. She is careful not to put any words in my mouth, not to ask any leading questions. I think she just thought her saying it would desensitise me. I think she is pretty skilled in the area of SA as she works as a t for children in a children's home with those issues as well as a private t. Neither of us were expecting what happened as it was the first time anything has happened like that with me. It's easy to be defensive of my t, I'm aware of that, and I'll bear what you say in mind too.

Thanks for your reply. I appreciate it.

[Can't Stop Crying]

Originally Posted by Rainydaiz

I think we both know she made a mistake doing what she did and she regrets it. Neither of us know whether anything did happen to me yet, in fact it wasn't even part of the discussion that night, I'm not sure why I brought it up. She is careful not to put any words in my mouth, not to ask any leading questions. I think she just thought her saying it would desensitise me. I think she is pretty skilled in the area of SA as she works as a t for children in a children's home with those issues as well as a private t. Neither of us were expecting what happened as it was the first time anything has happened like that with me. It's easy to be defensive of my t, I'm aware of that, and I'll bear what you say in mind too.

I know during the process with my t we had a lot of trial and error episodes...it was hard for me to speak up when something was too hard or not helpful...it has gotten easier over time...sometimes I think we both still might start heading in the wrong direction, but that is part of the healing process (for me anyways). He is not a trauma t, but I think the lessons learned have held their own type of value and allowed growth in areas that I was not aware I was struggling with.

Follow your instinct...that is so hard for me to do...I am very slowly learning that I do have a distinctive feeling when something is not okay...that too is a process for me

[Rainydaiz]

Thank you