[Capriciousness]

Hi everyone,

I was emotionally abused by my parents and had a covert incest relationship with my father. I have hd my own journey healing from that and yet and still learning and processing.

However, because of what I have recently learned I am now seeing that both my son is in danger of being a victim of emotional incest by both my father and my sister (especially my sister). Of course he won't be because I will use my last breath to protect that child. I have seen inklings and felt it coming but now that I have more awareness and language for all of this, i feel more empowered and confident about how to proceed here. I have always had a powerful and no tolerance reaction to adults using children to fill their own emotional needs.

Does this happen? That the covert incest can come from other family members?

Thanks!

[vonmoxie]

Hi Capricious,

First, I'm so sorry for what you've been through, and are having to revisit now out of concern for your own children.

Yes, it does happen. But when you say "from other family members" .. I know what you mean by this but would not really consider your father to be that, since you're already keenly aware of his being capable of such acts, which really makes him just the type. I have the same kind of history with my own father, and although I don't happen to think that he would extend his reach to the next generation of our children, I definitely don't count on it. I don't think any of my siblings has left their kids alone with our father.

It's unfortunate that there seems to be a possibility of your sister exerting this kind of abuse as well, but certainly not unusual. Whether or not she had an experience like you did with your father, I think that growing up in that environment is psychologically distressing to everyone in the house and especially children, be it as a result of direct awareness or as the result of sensing strange dynamics at play without knowing what they are. It's common for some to repeat the behaviors almost unconsciously -- that especially in lieu of being brave and aware and saying "that was wrong!", repeating the behavior without that self-examination can have the effect of stabilizing their old feelings in a way as being something normal, by letting them continue to exist as they are. I'm not suggesting that everyone who doesn't face up to their past will repeat the behaviors, but I do think it becomes quite a bit more dangerous without having honestly inventoried one's experience with this kind of thing.

For those of us who are not turning a blind eye to the real possibilities, preventing it from happening again can require some vigilance, even within our own family structures. It's the gaddang human condition...

What do you mean by the term "covert incest?"

[RedEagle]

Originally Posted by puzzle_bug1987

What do you mean by the term "covert incest?"

It's also called "emotional incest". It's when a parent manipulates their child into fulfilling an adult emotional role such as a surrogate spouse. The relationship is sexualized (not physically) and becomes like a psychological marriage between the two of them. I imagine that many of the people on this site are here because they experienced it because it causes a tremendous amount of psychological damage.

It all comes about because of a breakdown of the family system. All human beings have emotional needs and these needs are different at different phases in their lives. As a child your emotional (and physical) needs are to be met by your parents. As an adult your emotional and sexual needs are to be met by your adult partner/spouse. Covert incest occurs when a parent does not have a partner or their relationship with their partner has decayed to the point where it's no longer functioning so they turn to their child instead and force them to meet their adult emotional needs. Parents can also use their children to meet their unmet childhood emotional needs (emotional abuse). In both these cases the child's needs are completely ignored and go unmet so it perpetuates a cycle.