[Josieanna]

Hi, I'm a new member. I've been in therapy since January trying desperately to get the help I need without having to go too in depth with my past. I have never openly discussed this with anybody. I was attacked at work (I'm a registered nurse) and have been treated for PTSD. I was making really good progress. I am back at work and felt like life was just about bearable again. Then as part of my therapy I was having EMDR and what happened to me when I was 14 was there in all its technicolour nastiness. I feel like I'm 14 again. I'm finding it very difficult to cope. I'm currently petrified of everything, especially myself. People around me don't understand why I have gone backwards in my treatment and I have no desire to tell them. I trust my therapist, and he knows something happened, but I can't talk about it with him yet. Then on Monday he gave me some literature that he wanted me to read. I opened it when I got home and it's obvious he knows what happened to me because of the type of literature he's given me to read. In my session on Wednesday I could barely look at him. I've never told a soul, I'm not really coping well with the fact that someone knows. I know I need to get over this, I know he can't try to help me if I won't talk about what happened And I'm left feeling like im wasting his time. How can I tell him if I can't even say it out loud when I'm by myself. I'm sorry if this is a load of garbled rubbish, but I'm currently running on very little sleep and I'm on my second panic attack of the day

[Bill3]

Josieanna, I'm sorry that such horrible things happened to you.

I know I need to get over this, I know he can't try to help me if I won't talk about what happened.

If you have an experienced T, he will have had plenty of practice in helping clients become able to speak and work on their traumatic past. What if you allow him time to do this?

And I'm left feeling like im wasting his time.

He knows that treatment will take time. Can you allow him the time he needs to help you?

How can I tell him if I can't even say it out loud when I'm by myself.

Perhaps he will first ask you to say it aloud to yourself. What if you tell him that you can't say certain things out loud, even when you are alone?

(((((Josieanna)))))

[Josieanna]

thanks Bill3. I'm trying to give myself time. I have to go to work today, just the thought of leaving the house is sending me into panic mode. I've had just over an hours sleep. I can't just stay at home. I'm a single mum to two girls and I'm responsible for paying all the bills but all I want to do is press the stop button on my life and sleep for a week. I just want some peace,maven if it's just for an hour

[Frankbtl]

Hi Josieanna, do you think it would help you to reflect on some of the reasons you don't want to/can't talk about what happened and if you can work on dispelling some of those??
For example if you're afraid of being judged then it doesn't sound like your T (the same as us on here!!) is going to judge you on what happened, if you're feeling ashamed or that something was your fault then you know you can work on discounting that, right? if you're worried that telling your T might make it more "real" then maybe you could tell your T you're afraid of that and come up with some coping skills/boundaries/a safe word or place ready to use.
And if it's a matter of saying the words, of getting it out.........you might want to write it down for your T to read??
Or you might just want to tell your T that there is something but you need to just tell them bits in your own time (over sessions if you need to). And just start with anything........where you were, time of day, what the weather was like...........any details you feel you can relate.
You really don't have to tell it all at once, disclosure can take as much time as you need it to, and your T should be sensitive and supportive in this process.
And considering the way you're feeling.............real kudos for managing to share what you have with us, give yourself plenty of credit for that!!!
And if you want to talk more............we're here for you.

Alison

[Bluegrey]

(((Josieanna)))

It seems to me that you have done incredibly well just (!) posting here. I too have had difficulty telling things to a therapist - I have managed to tell the bare bones to a friend now so I suppose that is progress

We will listen to you, whatever you choose to post. You are safe here.


Bluegrey

[Josieanna]

When I was 14 I vowed I would never tell as soul. Now my T has indicated he knows I feel like I've let that 14 year old down again. I had an emergency appointment with a MH nurse on Friday (my T was unavailable) she Advised me to wear a rubber band on my wrist and snap it everything I had a bad thought/ flashback to get me over the weekend. All that achieved was a panic attack in the middle of my 13 hour shift and a very sore, red swollen wrist. I got through my shift (because the other nurses could see I was having a bad time) one patient threatened to knock my teeth down my throat. I know I shouldn't be at work right now, but it feels like I'm punishing myself. I've lost 9 1/2 lb in 10 days. Most days I won't let myself eat and it I do Eat I get so anxious I'm sick. I don't allow myself breaks at work....yesterday I didnt leave the ward at all during the 13 hour shift. I didn't even have a toilet break. I know all of this is my own doing. I know all this pain is what I'm causing myself but I can't seem to stop.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Josieanna, please don't blame yourself for the effects of what has happened to you. What you're going through now is really, really not your fault. And you haven't let that 14 year old down in any way- the person/people responsible for what happened did that, and are to blame for now!!.
But you, well you are fighting against what happened/against the effects. You've managed to tell us some of it for a start, and you've given away enough for your T to guess that something happened. And that is really big!!
I know the effects are still just as vivid, but every journey has to start somewhere, and "just" starting to talk about things can be the most crucial step in the journey.
And the rubber band..........well that's just going to be one idea, I'm sorry it doesn't seem to have helped you much, but there will be plenty of other options that your MH nurse or T could discuss with you/that you could try............maybe even add to the rubber band.
But 13 hours sounds like a very long shift considering the way you've been feeling. Even if you were 100% then it still sounds very hard going so with the situation as it is..............!!!
And if you need time off, I'd say you've every right to need/want/have that off. Maybe worth some real thought..........with the starting point of putting yourself first??
Please keep reaching for help though. Coping with/managing/trying to work through things like you've been through can be so very hard when you're trying to do it alone, and it says nothing at all about your abilities, your strength, about you if you need some help with that.

Alison

[Josieanna]

So I made it through the weekend...saw my T again today and I still couldn't talk. I feel like I'm wasting everyone's time. Why can't I just say it? Why, when I have the opportunity to process the stuff that happened, I panic and block it? I revert to "safe" topics. Today I have cried but less than before. Now I just feel the same numbness I did when it happened. The problem is I still feel the same shame, guilt and disgust in myself as I did then. Why am I punishing myself like this?

[nicoleflynn]

Can you write it on a piece of paper and give it to him? Be gentle with yourself; you are doing the best you can.

The shame guilt and disgust belong to the abuser; try to find a way to understand that.........You had a crime committed against you.

Maybe writing a letter to that criminal would help (a tiny, tiny bit): It is called a letter of "restorative justice"---restorative justice says...this is what you did, this is how it made me feel. I believe it helps in taking your power and voice....back....what was stolen from you in such a terrible way.

Try to think of yourself as a child and treat her the way you would treat an injured child who came/comes to you with your story.......eat, drink water, journal; love yourself even tho your urge is to punish yourself. xoxo

[Frankbtl]

Hi Josieanna, you're wasting no-one's time
It's completely understandable that you're struggling with being able to say out loud what happened. Perhaps you feel that saying it is going to make it all so "real", make you vulnerable, that there's going to be no getting away from the fact it happened, there's going to be no "taking it back" when you say it...........?? And the blocking it...........well that's maybe your way of protecting yourself. And that doesn't have to be a bad thing in itself at all, so please don't see that as a failure, it's a natural instinct.
But of course to move forward it can help a lot to have that professional support, so take it at your own pace and try to gradually release some of the event/s, even just the surrounding events to start with, still at your own pace. And it doesn't matter how long it takes, just bit by bit. There's no stopwatch ticking on this.
And you know the shame, guilt, disgust...........while I completely understand how that must feel for you, please remind yourself that you didn't choose whatever happened, none of it was something you asked for or had any control over............and even if it's hard to believe now you have no real reason at all to feel any of those feelings.........it was not your fault, and what happened absolutely does not have to define you.
I know there's no single words or switch to flick to automatically help you let go of those feelings but getting real help/support can help them fade/leave in time.
And you are on the right track, you are trying to speak out about what happened, you want to speak out about what happened........so at your own pace, hey?? Things can get better.

Alison

[Josieanna]

my T keeps telling me it's not my fault....what happened was beyond my control. I don't and can't believe him. Today I've read a story about a 14 year old who beat up her would be attacker. Why didn't I protect myself? I hate myself for what happened. I hate how I let it affect me now. I hate to cry in front of people. It makes me look weak and vulnerable. At least the numbness has stolen my tears, for now anyway. All I've done is cry during therapy...today there was no tears. I deserve the sadness, I deserve the pain. I deserve to be haunted by it....I'm considering saying everything is ok now.....to stop the therapy. To stop the looks of pity, so I'm not called a victim. So I can pretend everything is normal. For my soul to die in peace.

[Josieanna]

I'm sorry for being all doom and gloom. I have two beautiful daughters who are the reason I keep breathing. I desperately want to get back to the Mum I was before all this restarted in January. I know they look at me and they don't understand what is happening. They keep making me get well soon cards, bacause all I do is cry. The only place I go is work, I need to keep the money coming in the pay the bills. I desperately want someone to talk to about it but I just can't. I want them to have a happy childhood. I don't want them polluted by my past. They know I was attacked in January. They put all this change in behaviour down to that. I hate what I've done to my family.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Josieanna, there are could be plenty of reasons why you weren't able to stop it happening. plenty of completely understandable reasons e.g. fear, shock, feeling powerless, feeling hopeless, feeling like you weren't able to stop it anyway...............And there are plenty of really strong/in control people who can completely freeze/lose control in that sort of situation so please don't blame yourself. You absolutely don't deserve the sadness..........the pain.
And what's happening with your family, is not something you've done/you're doing to them either, right??!!
Now, I'm hoping that those looks of "pity" are instead one's of empathy, sometimes they can be mistaken. But either way you're not "a victim" you're a survivor.
Still I really aren't going to tell you that you shouldn't stop the therapy, you should be talking about it, you should be pushing yourself to talk. You do need to be ready to do that, and it should be in your own time, at your own pace, and it can be very hard. And sometimes things can get worse before they start to get better.
But if you just have a think about...........the "pretending everything is normal", you probably know already that can be really hard to do, and have a big impact on you in itself.........the effects you may still be carrying around with you..........the limitations it might all be causing you.............the hurt you might still be feeling............if you can put it out of your mind to a point.
I'm just wondering if it might help you make the decision to continue therapy or not by checking out other survivors stories e.g. online??? So you have a "bigger picture"???
And/or, you're free to talk more to us about it if it will help, if you need to. There are a lot of really understanding, supportive people on here............and if you want to talk........

Alison

[ChipperMonkey]

You've done nothing to your family....

Your attacker has continued his victimization through you. Your attacker is the one who is doing this to your family, albeit many years later.

It took me awhile to realize this in my own life. My dad was the one who was the one who made me realize that my abuser didn't just harm me, but she harmed my entire family for years and years and years. Maybe if I was made of stone then none of it would have had an effect, but I am human and I react when something bad happens to me. She victimized me and she victimized my entire family. The ENTIRE blame rests on her. (And people wonder why I will never forgive...You can mess with me, but OMG don't you DARE mess with my family!)

[Josieanna]

Thank you Frankbtl (Alison) I tried to read some of the online stuff like you suggested. Why can I see that these girls were not to blame for what happened to them but still blame myself? I saw this exercise "it's my fault because" and it's followed I with "it's not my fault because" I tried to do this....I have about three pages of why it's my fault and very little excuses as to why it wasn't my fault. It has helped me though...the whole feeling that I'm not alone. I feel comforted in the fact that although people I don't know are reading this, I don't have to face you or say the words out loud. I can always Type my thoughts and delete them if I chose. if I say them to a real life person then I can't take them back. I told my T on Monday that I felt like I was wasting their time and that I felt I didn't deserve their help. I felt better after I was able to get that off my chest. I'm back tomorrow, I may take my list.
ChipperMonkey, you are so right with what you say about people not messing with your family. I have two girls, the youngest is 12 and the oldest will be 14 next year. I know I struggle with giving them the freedom they need when every fibre of my being is screaming that I need to protect them. I have overreacted numerous times recently where they are concerned. I think they find me embarassing and overbearing at times but they do try and humour me as much as possible. People can hurt me from morning til night but no one messes with my kids. Today I feel a little stronger. Today I feel a little angrier but mostly I hurt....trying to embrace the pain