Ready to HEAL / DEAL with it ALL (my life)-(my mind)

Ok - I am serious about trying to deal with the final few issues that are still hanging around in my life.... the ones that hold me down and the ones that are constantly interfering with (or controlling) my thoughts, my life, my sense of well being, my feelings toward others and all to often how they effect my happiness my joy, or the lack of it.

I am going to start this thread and I am going to keep it my personal PC file - so I can come to it any time I feel the need to go back and read it, as to look for answers.... I would appreciate it if only those that are serious about trying to help me find my path back to sanity reply in this thread - if you are not able to give me your complete support with out judgement, hate or wrong assumptions - - - Please DO NOT POST!!!

These are the issues I feel are contributing to my lack of fullness with it comes to TRUST and LOVE.
.... that which leaves me being any thing, but normal - coming from the lack of sanity/wounds.

1.) 11 years of unspeakable sick pervert sexual abuse by MEN (4 of them)

2.) Family issues and their lack of support for ME when I needed them the most

3.) My 20 year Marriage and His (past) Sexual Addiction (women & porn)

4.) My Dx of DID ten years ago - and how it effects me today

5.) Me being My own worst Enemy - the MIND is powerful and when wounded it is scary

* * * * * * *

I will post as I need and I will await for advice and replies from PC Members..... and I will be sure to label what issues I am working on at the moment, so please label what issue you are replying back to. Thank you.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Are you attempting this with or without a T, Rhapsody? Looks like deep territory to me. TC!

Hi Rhap,
I support this journey. I want to say that in all honesty I can relate with numbers 1 and 2 and 5 personally.

I am so very sorry that you have gone through what you have endured. Nobody should ever even have to say the words you posted above. To know that you have been wronged in so many ways at the hands of others is deeply saddening to me. I know it all too well. It's worsened even more with the lack of familial support which I can also relate with.
You really do need a support though, and if your husband is related to these issues (as you have revealed) I hope you have a therapist or someone trusted that it accessible to you anytime. PC of course is here but I mean someone in your city/area with which to begin this journey.
I wish I could give more support and say things that were profound enough that inside would make you feel relief, but I know this isn't possible.
This is a very courageous thing to do for yourself. If you are going to keep this thread and reread it, I want to say this:

However dark it gets, however lost you are. You are never alone.

You are strong enough to keep going through the evil...if you face it, you will gain more strength.

You absolutely deserve to be happy.

You are very brave.

Thank you for being here.

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Talulah said:
I support this journey.

I am so very sorry that you have gone through what you have endured. Nobody should ever even have to say the words you posted above.

You really do need a support though, and if your husband is related to these issues (as you have revealed) I hope you have a therapist or someone trusted that it accessible to you anytime.

PC of course is here but I mean someone in your city / area with which to begin this journey.

You are very brave.

Thank you for being here.

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Thank YOU - for your SUPPORT and for having FAITH in ME........ and Yes, while my own husband is related to (the cause of) some of my issue - he is very much aware of the fact (his part in it all) and HE is willing to do what ever it takes to help make our life and our love/trust better (he has changed) and HIS wrongs stopped over 5 years ago and now it is me that needs to move past it all.

My husband and I have spent a few years in counselor together, not to mention the eight straight years that I "myself" have spent in counseling (for depression, suicide attempts and my Dx of DID) - both as an in patient and as an out patient involved in group therapy to help me get better and to help me heal from past wounds.

It is this time that my husband and I have put into HEALING (spent in counseling) that has now placed me in the position to step out on my own to finish what My T and I started almost 10 years ago..... I have had a long discussion with T over all this and she is very supportive of my desire to move forward and she personally feels that I am ready to work on my own and that any healing I still have left undone in me is the final healing I personally need to complete alone - I (the person that was left behind to live after tragedy and destruction of self).... and "IF" it ever comes to the point that I feel I need help or that I have fallen into a hole that I cannot get out of on my own - my T is just a phone call away.

I personal am ready and that is what makes the quest I seek for inner completion worth the life I once lost - for I aim to take it back..... I will not FAIL!!

* * * * * * * *

Now..... all I ask is:

"IF" any one notices a post in this thread I have started here in Survivors (a quest to help me complete my healing process and to gain better control over my present life & inner emotions) that should not be here due to its ugliness or disrespect... please do ME a favor and Notify Admin / Mod ASAP!! about it - by clicking on the icon at the bottom of this thread - every post has this option.

* * * * * * * *

Thank you...
LoVe,
Rhapsody -

<font color="red"> This is the SONG to My PAST....... </font>
.... that which my soul longed for.

<div><div><object classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000" codebase="http://fpdownload.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=7,0,0,0" width="320" height="260" id="wimpy" align="middle"><param name="movie" value="http://www.pcplanets.com/wimpy/wimpyAV.swf?wimpyApp=http://www.pcplanets.com/http://free.guba.com/download/flash/1/1/2000788363/Foreigner - I Want To Know What Love Is.flv/wimpy.xml&backgroundColor=000000&displayDownloadButton=yes&infoDisplayTime=3&randomOnLoad=no&randomButtonState=off&startPlayingOnload=yes&popUpHelp=yes&theVolume=100&getMyid3info=yes&videoSmoothing=yes&autoAdvance=no" /><param name="loop" value="false" /><param name="menu" value="false" /><param name="quality" value="high" /><param name="scale" value="noscale" /><param name="salign" value="lt" /><param name="bgcolor" value="#000000" /><embed src="http://www.pcplanets.com/wimpy/wimpyAV.swf?wimpyApp=http://www.pcplanets.com/http://free.guba.com/download/flash/1/1/2000788363/Foreigner - I Want To Know What Love Is.flv/wimpy.xml&backgroundColor=000000&displayDownloadButton=yes&infoDisplayTime=3&randomOnLoad=no&randomButtonState=off&startPlayingOnload=yes&popUpHelp=yes&theVolume=100&getMyid3info=no&videoSmoothing=yes&autoAdvance=no" loop="false" menu="false" quality="high" scale="noscale" salign="lt" width="320" height="260" bgcolor="#000000" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer"></embed></object></div><div><div style="font:10px arial,sans-serif">Foreigner Videos | Music Videos | Columbus Lofts</div></div></div>

Hi Rhap,
I find music very therapeutic also. It speaks to me as though it was directly meant for me. I think this is a very good thing for you. You are finding ways to articulate your pain and feelings and this to me, translates into the onset of healing.
I know this song and I see how you can relate to it. Let it wrap you up, surround you and don't deny the emotions you feel. Your depth of connection to things is very important imo. You are reaching and seeking and you are courageous. Sometimes you need to go into the darkest crevices of the pain and fear. Without facing it directly it can be hard to get past. This is often so very difficult and you may find yourself face to face with it and you turn around and run back. That's okay too, it is and every time you meet the badness you're trying to overcome, you will gain more strength I think. I have yet to conquer getting past it all myself. Sometimes I feel like trying and then I get overwhelmed and retreat.

I really liked the video, that was like knowing a little piece of you....

<font color="purple"> ((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))) </font> - thanks for feeling with ME.

Thanks for sharing your feeling with me......it means much more than I can say...............

(((((((((((((to you and your courage))))))))))))

Ok - this is a present feeling that I have been trying to figure out and it has to do with my DID Dx and I have written about it in the DID Forum, but also wanted it here so I can keep it all together......

I am presently trying to uncover a way to either solve this issue or to work around it (as to live with it in peace for all concerned) - since it does not seem as though she (my last complete alter, not a fragment) is not leaving any time soon - maybe NEVER for there is a very fine line that separates her and me, and we are so similar in many ways that it is often hard for me to tell IF it is her or me that is present or having feelings during certain times... but we are getting there.

I am open to any suggestion that might help us solve this one.....
this is one of my main problems / issue of today - in the here and now.

Thanks for any HELP!
LoVe,
Rhapsody -

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Rhapsody said:


Hmm - I am not 100% sure yet - but I feel as if it is HER that is depressed and often hates those that I love (I think she holds my teenage to mid 20's years).

Rhapsody -

......................................................

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I don't know, Rhapsody... I applaud you for taking this on as I am sure it can't be easy (especially after reading your list). You're a strong woman for embarking down this path, and I'm glad for you that you're choosing to do so.

I don't know what kind of support I can offer you, but I want you to know that I'm listening and that I care

Hi Rhapsody. Not sure you're reading me lately, but I 'll give it a go for you.

Looking from the outside, as though I would see you and not know your DX... I would just write this off as normal human emotions and reactions. We all have those aspects of us (singletons) that we don't like or don't agree with all the time thus the "I can't believe I did that, or said that!" statements from time to time.

Have you studied the shadow effect? I suppose you have.

Since you say you are both very similar, I assume you have good communication between you, in that you are now feeling "her" depression?

Confusion is often mingled with enlightenment... perhaps it is just another step to you two merging more?

Wouldn't it be ok to be depressed at times, or at least sad? And if she is holding those memories for you both, she might have reason to be sad. I wouldn't push the knowing though, and allow time and therapy to guide you.

What exactly is unnerving you about this? Is it just the not being able to be and feel whole NOW? You mention love... and loving (and the song)... maybe she is your "red flag" of warning so you aren't hurt again? I would try and communicate with her (in any fashion) that you respect her for her warnings, and ask her to continue to pay attention, but to allow you to try and test the waters... and to work out why she fears others so...

TC

Hi Rhap, before I know how to answer you because this is a tough one, can I also ask, are there any "unnerving" qualities you wish to deal with, with this alter? I guess what I'm asking is, you have mentioned in the post that you may well have to accept/deal with this alter not leaving, so if that is indeed true, are you sruggling with that specifically? Or are their traits in this alter you would not like?

You are having me think here.......

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Talulah said:
Hi Rhap, before I know how to answer you because this is a tough one, can I also ask, are there any "unnerving" qualities you wish to deal with, with this alter?

Or are their traits in this alter you would not like?

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YES...... the are some unnerving qualities that I would like to work on concerning this alter......

1.) She hates a lot of the people that I have forgiven and decided to love again -

Prime Example: My husband of 20 years....

2.) She is always opposite of me - in any thing I personally want to do in life.... which makes it hard to enjoy the life I want (let alone have a life) if she does not want the same things as I do.

Prime Example: I volunteered to help out with potbelly pigs (that were abandoned, abused or rejected by their owners) 1x a week - and she does not like leaving the house, therefore, I don't think I will get to go.

3.) She very much dislikes MEN (due to past sexual abuse) - and I am trying to not judge all by a mere few.

4.) I want to work - shoe dos not - due to fear of people (especially young beautiful females) - that which we no longer are.

5.) I am Christian - she is not or does not care or has doubts..... she often fights me on my morals and values.... the standards I try to live my life by every day (physically & visually).

..... I guess that is a good list to start on - then we will see what comes to the surface.

Sorry MisfitAmongstMisfits - the post you made seems to be gone now and I am not sure what reply of mine you were referring too..... but any ways I just wanted to clear the air and say:

YES - I have attempted suicide before in the past (3-x), but not since 1998, and no real strong feelings for it since the summer of 2006.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

....sorry didnt mean to disrupt your flow...I deleted it, becuase I thought it was prying too much....my bad...it was in regard to the first post....long gone by now....

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>"I am presently trying to uncover a way to either solve this issue or to work around it (as to live with it in peace for all concerned) - since it does not seem as though she (my last complete alter, not a fragment) is not leaving any time soon - maybe NEVER for there is a very fine line that separates her and me, and we are so similar in many ways that it is often hard for me to tell IF it is her or me that is present or having feelings during certain times... but we are getting there."<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Okay, sorry for the wait between posts but I am really thinking about how you're dealing with this. So, tell me, it seems as though there may have been some success in "solving" other alters am I right? Are the same methods/techniques not working for this alter?

I would venture, imo, that this alter is so significant to you that there may be great fear in letting her go peacfully. Can you identify ANY part of you that is still kind of holding onto her? Maybe out of fear or comfort or even because you like bits about her?

I have a bit more to say so I will be adding to or posting another about what you've said above.....

OKay, I've got to admit this is a hard one Rhap so I am sorry I've not been posting. Although i have been visiting because I like the song that pops out the speakers when i click here. (i think of you!)

So, I can only say that this alter really intends on fighting you all the way on nearly all the BIG important issues. It is almost an opposite reflection of what you want to achieve. This must be very frustrating. I am frustrated with this and I cannot know how to begin to disarm this alter.

I would think that somehow, expanding on what you've said above, you must try as best you can to determine what it is that separates the two of you. You mentioned this being hard to do, but I can easily see her opposition to you on some things so the list is a great start. Can you expand that list and reread it often to gauge your level of understanding about this separation? If you can SEE it down on paper this might help a little. I am very visual so i would try the list and then maybe once you have a good list going, try to be as specific as possible about the differences, everything you can narrow down to specifics (as you're doing above---keep getting more and more specific). Emotions, visuals, qualities, traits etc....specific is the key. Maybe we can reduce the blur between you.

I think it's also good that you can recount actual events that this has happened because it may give your mind a disguished sense of abilty to separate the alter from you.

Does this sound like a reasonable start? The list and specifics? It's, right now, the only non-frightening and non-threatening way I see to start this. This is going to be the toughest one. Even if you remain together as you've mentioned, it will be beneficial to you to be able to disccern what emotion/action is coming from you or the alter or both. Maybe, if the alter stays around, the goal can be to create a balance or harmony between you that you can trust or rely to stay in the boundaries. Either way, the list imo is a great way to start.

What do you think? Haven't heard your little voice in a bit...

Just thought I would stop in and post-

I know why she is still here................. my last and final alter.

.... She is helping ME with my MARRIAGE -
Until I can sort out her feelings from my feelings, as to not react irrationally until I have the full facts, based on me and me only - and not that of her or the past, that which she lived thru.... that which has left me confused for I feel both deep love & hate in this marriage - one is hers and one is mine, but who holds what?

(((((((((((rhapsody)))))))))))))

how strong and brave you are

thankyou for sharing this, it helps me too

love you, jinny xoxoxoxoxox

Thank YOU..................... for your kind words. ((( hugs )))

I have not really been posting lately, for I have been my self these last few weeks, therefore, no major up sets in my life or my family life.

I think she runs and hides when I am ready to heal..... but don't worry she will be back, and now that I have taken the first step in sharing and healing it all here in this forum... she can't hide for ever - for I now have a place to go immediately when she and I are at odds with each other - or within my self.