[wolfie205]

Games of a sexual nature seemed normal in my family when I was a kid. I played games with my older sister where I had to undress in front of her. Once, it was her and my brother and they told me to take off my underwear. I just did it because I thought it was just part of a game. When my brother started playing these games alone with me, I just went with it. If he asked me to undress, I'd do it. When he asked to take off my underwear and give it to him, I'd do it. The games went a little further and he had vaseline with him. He inserted a finger into me anally and it was only then that things seemed like it wasn't as innocent and normal as I thought it was. I stopped playing these games with him because my mum found us together once. I couldn't tell her what had happened so she just brushed it off and we never spoke about it again.

As a kid, these sexual games seemed so normal, I played them with my younger sister. The sexual games went on for years in my family. I mean with my younger sister, things were a little different. With my older siblings, they were in control, I just did whatever they said and let them do stuff to me because I was 6 or 7 and I really didn't know anything. With my younger sister, I did stuff to her and she did stuff to me. As a kid, it didn't seem wrong at all, but now I know better and the guilt and shame of what I did to her is starting to hit me. The games went way too far. Even if the games were consensual, she never should have been exposed to things like that at that age. I hate myself for what I did. It doesn't matter if I was too young to know any better. It doesn't matter if my older siblings did similar things to me but I really messed her up and I can't undo what I did. We were pretty close as kids and we still are really close as sisters. When I was diagnosed with ptsd and I realised that my childhood wasn't as normal as I thought it was, I just felt so guilty about what I had done to her. I wrote her a long card apologising for everything and we had a long talk about it. She cried when she read it, told me she never understood why I wanted her to hit me or to hurt me when I was a kid but she finally understood why I was the way I was. She accepted my apology and we're ok now. We're actually still pretty close as sisters but I still haven't forgiven myself for what I did.

I guess when I looked back, it was just an entire cycle of sexual abuse that never stopped. My parents jut brush everything off as sexual experimentation but I think sexual experimentation went way too far in my family to be completely harmless.

[cryingontheinside]

First of all its really good that you had that heart to heart with your sister. I think it meant alot to her.
It definately sounds like there was a cycle. It sounds like as soon as you realised it wasnt an appropriate thing to do you stopped, perhaps your brother stopped when he realised. So your older sister was the first sibling to start the sexual games but i am curious to know who taught it to her.
I think your parents reaction is too laid back. If i were the parent i would want to know where it stemmed from, ie was your elder sister abused.
Im guessing that the guilt you have towards your sister, your older siblings have towars you.
You were only a child and following learnt behaviour. It seems like you stopped when you undertood it was wrong.
I am so sorry for you and your siblings.
Have you thought about speaking to your older sister to ask her if she was abused?