[*PeaceLily*]

Hi,

I am in a position whereby I have a a mishmash of continuous traumatic experiences, that occurred over many years. Some of it is fairly standard traumatising stuff like sexual assault/rape and general childhood abuse. Some of it is rather unusual like the fact that my mother told me I needed medication as a teenager and i had severe reactions to it which I was blamed for, ( I have recently been told by a psychiatrist that I experienced ssri induced mania,) which kept me trapped with my father who had abused me during my childhood for a further 8 years as an adult because I was trapped in a constant cycle of side effects and withdrawals and I would tell my mother I wanted to stop living with my father and I kept being told i needed medication. I would have to participate in my father's ocd rituals. When I had the side effects, he would call me an animal. No one else in my family would talk to me.I was completely alone there.Everyone else left the man who had abused us, but my mother told me i had to stay there, even when she had a room in her flat i could have stayed in.

the side effects made me a totally different person. I would hit myself and do strange impulsive things. I would have this weird energy in me, and everything would go wrong as a result. I was completely not myself. I had never been like that until i began taking the medication at age 18. I had applied to good universities and had a job, and I had graduated with great qualifications and loads of friends. Due to the side effects from the tablets, I never worked again, and university went wrong twice and i nevr got to go. I have not really known anybody at all for many years, and I have known nobody whatsoever for the last 2 years. Technically speaking, I was actually always an attractive girl, but due to getting stuck like this, I've never had a boyfriend or even got to know a man as a friend or otherwise.. I have only had unhealthy sexual contact, often whilst manic, but never actual relationships. Ive just had one night stands and been used, at times probably in ways that aren't legal.This all went on for 7 and a half years, so I have literally not been myself for 7 and half years, and even prior to that, I was living with my ather being abused anyway. I actually mananged to get away from my dad several years ago, but ended up living with my mother due to me having medication issues, and the whole thing with the side effects started again at my mother's and I ended up housebound for 15 months.

I am now 26. I have only just got away. I was housebound for 15 months and only just started going out a couple of weeks ago. Prior to this, I wasnt going out at all, even for food shopping. I have a rherapist who I feel thinks I need to get over it. She has said I need to do more things now so I can mo on because 'we cant change the past,' but its hard when I get literally constant triggers and flashbacks. the other day, a young man just chucks his skateboard in the air, and I think that the sudden movement is violence.

What is wrong with me, and if you have experienced something similar, what steps have helped you move on from it?

xxx

[mimsies]

I am so sorry. There is nothing "wrong" with you. You are reacting a in a way that is not odd, or unusual, or wrong. One can't come out of traumatic ordeals and just be OK and get over it. If they could, therapists and psychologists would be largely unneeded.

Once when I was lamenting to my therapist that I am a mess, she simply asked me that if it were someone else who shared with me the things I'd been through, would I think they needed to just get over it, or would I think that they needed support to integrate their past in a healthy way? She has also been working with me to see myself as a heroic survivor of my past. One thing she asked, which made a huge difference for me was if I thought someone, anyone, could go through what I went through without it having huge, long term effects. And if I am being fair; the answer is "No."

Does your therapist specialize in trauma? That can be important if she is going to help you process your experiences and help you to move on. It isn't reasonable to just expect you to do it without help and support.

Although my T doesn't specialize in it (yet), she does read about trauma processing, and researches, and turns to her peers for guidance. Her compassionate and gentle approach works really well with me, and I have made more progress with her than I have ever made before.

It is ok to be a mess. It is ok to ask for help and support. Really, there is nothing "wrong" with you. You just need help, so you can see yourself as the survivor you are and be able to keep growing, learning, and living.

[*PeaceLily*]

I think part of the issue is that I seriously blame myself. I can't believe I ever trusted my mother. I can't believe I ended up taking medication that made me go crazy for 7 amd a half years. I can't realy believe any of it's real. I just feel like other human beings wouldnt have made these mistakes.Something really weird happened and it's not even someting that I can put into words it seems

[mimsies]

It's not your fault. None of it is your fault. If it helps... most survivors feel guilty, and like it is their own fault. I bet if you were to think about it as happening to someone else, you would find that you don't blame them at all, that you don't think they have anything to be ashamed of or guilty for. It is so hard. Sometimes I think it is easier to feel like it is my fault, because feeling like I had no control over it is terrifying.

[RainbowG]

Lots of wisdom from mimsies here!

I wonder if you've experienced Munchausen syndrome by proxy. This is when a caregiver claims their child is ill when they're really not. You can find out more at Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy. The usual explanation is that the caregiver wants attention and is willing basically to sacrifice their child's well-being to get it.

I can understand your desire to isolate yourself from the world after that experience! You're not living with your mother or father anymore, right? Because if you are then getting away from them would be your first priority. Stuff like OCD and Munchausen is serious crazy-making stuff!

You're very wise to be seeing a T, but I'm concerned about her attitude. Stuff like "we can't change the past" is a strong indication that she doesn't understand abuse and thus doesn't know how to treat it. If you can, I strongly recommend you find a therapist who specializes in trauma because it sounds like you were traumatized by your parents crazy-making behaviors. If you can't go to a trauma therapist then perhaps you can find one who does family therapy because s/he will be more likely to understand family dynamics. I don't mean go to therapy with your abusers or anything. I just mean a family therapist may have some experience in dealing with abuse and so will know how to treat it.

I know it's tough not to blame yourself, but keep in mind that abuse always happens in context. Our abusers create a context that makes their abuse seem acceptable, like there's a good reason for their crazy behavior and we just have to accept it.

We're also helpless as children because we can't care for ourselves, and that contributes to the feeling we have that we need to obey our abusers, no matter how weird their behavior is. As adults, we carry that context with us so that their crazy-making behavior becomes familiar and something we accept without question. Even if we do question it, we still feel a strong impulse to obey it because we've trained ourselves to do that.

I've been reading about the effects of abuse on the brain, and there's some evidence that our brain learns to accept the crazy-making behavior as normal, which is another factor that makes it difficult for us to fight it even in adulthood. In order to fight it, our brain has to re-learn what normal is, basically.

Venturing out of your isolation is obviously healthy, but not if you feel pressured to do it. We have to learn to feel safe within ourselves and within the world first. It helps to read books about abuse to understand it better. I personally found Toxic Parents by Susan Forward helpful, but there are others like Cutting Loose by Howard Halpern and If You Had Controlling Parents by Dan Neuharth. Books on social anxiety can also be helpful as well as self-help books in general.

I guess what I'm saying is that you first need to feel good about yourself before you can feel comfortable with others. That's not to say you should stop trying to connect with others, but if you try to force yourself to do that too soon, it's actually going to push you backward rather than forward (been there, done that).

[mimsies]

Toxic Parents as recommended by RainbowG ^^^ is an excellent book. I haven't read the other two.

I also recommend for understanding PTSD and your reactions to trauma The Body Remembers: The Psychophysiology of Trauma and Trauma Treatment by Babette Rothschild. My caveat is that I don't know how accessible to laypeople it is. I mean I think it should be fine, but I'm not certain since I am a cognitive/neuroscience nerd, it is interesting and easy enough for me, but for someone else who doesn't have my background, it could possibly be like me trying to read a book written for nuclear physicists

[PianogirlPlays]

I am so affected by past abuse. I t affects my relationships. What I can handle and what I can not. I am so deeply affected by what other people say and do. It just ties me up! My desire would be to believe that I actually am okay even in my present state and that things really can turn out okay.

I feel silly to give advise when I am having a hard time myself but , I do know forgiveness is a huge part . Forgiveness for them and forgive yourself .
I don't know if you believe in God or a higher power But for me I know God is helping me everyday slowly and some days I don't feel it but I must know it in my heart that God is there . It's an inner peace I can not explain but it helps me .
If that makes any sense .

So what I am trying to say is let it go and trust God for his guidance . Everything happens for a reason maybe it's for you to help others as you have experience great deal of trauma

Find what help you feel better music , art , something that is peaceful .

I hope what I am saying helps you