[Adelyn]

People always say it's easier to see something when you're not in the middle of it. I tell myself I'm a very insightful person, someone who knows the truth of things, plus I have a degree in psychology, have spent probably four years in therapy total, over a 15 year period, and have read countless psychology books, self-help books, etc.. But that the man I'm with is abusive? That he'll somehow see he's abusive and change? Um, no. No that eluded me entirely.

I have a Notes app on my phone, and I write long, long accounts of events and how I feel. I don't go back and read them, but maybe I should have. I know I say it: "He hit me," "He says it's my fault, that I'm awful, that he never used to be like this, that it's me," "He put his hands around my throat and I couldn't breathe," "He said he was going to kill me," "He pushed me to the ground in front of his kids," "He never says he's sorry, and if I ask him too he screams at me, or else seems baffled and asks what he would be sorry for," etc..

Pretty obvious, right?

Oh, and the usual blah blah blah I tell myself: "He's normally very soft-spoken and nice," "it doesn't happen that often," "I've never had more than a few bruises," "I am a really hard person to live with," "If I was just better than he wouldn't be like this anymore and we would be happy."

And if it was someone else who wrote the above, I would say, "it sounds like your justifying abuse, and the more you accept it the less it will go away. You need to build up your self-confidence and self-worth and reevaluate your marriage. Get support. Leaving him might be the only option." That would be good advice. And yet, even when I _know_ it's true, it falls on deaf ears.

I feel incredibly stupid. It's been almost six years. We've been married for half that.

So anyway, knowing that my story is the same as every other woman's story in this type of dynamic, I'll share my details anyway.

I'm 33. I'm a hyper-sensitive type of person. As a teenager I had issues with depression, anxiety, and mood swings. I discovered that I had Borderline Personality Disorder. I went to therapy and fought like hell to overcome my issues. I studied a lot and eventually went on to overcome the depression and anxiety. I got my undergrad and then my master's. During this time I went through a series of destructive relationships, lasting, on average, a year.

Regardless, I was never able to hold a consistent job. The Borderline is a awfully hard thing to defeat. I got more therapy, and I worked hard. Since I was a teenager I tried just about every med out there. None worked, or the ones that did had too strong of side effects. I have an unusual amount of allergies. Nonetheless, I improved an incredible amount. I'm really proud of myself about that. I've mellowed out a lot, I'm fairly easy going now, my fits of rage (screaming, yelling, saying mean things) have become few and far between and far, far less severe. I have a lot of empathy for others now. I'm no longer indulgent, nor do I try to be destructive. I'm not promiscuous, and I never was a cutter (both typical of Borderlines). Nearly three years ago now my Doctor told me I no longer meet the criteria for Borderline. Yes, I still have tendencies, and no, I'm not "normal," but I am closer to normal than I am to Borderline.

So I met my husband just about six years ago. He's brilliant, hard-working, successful, intense, sensitive, and with a strong constitution and moral backbone. He seemed so normal to me, so consistent. I never thought I'd be with anyone like that. We were deeply in love from the start. The first two years were hard. I moved a thousand miles away from my family (who I get along with well). His ex didn't take well to a potential stepmom to their two children, and she was very controlling, damaging, and harassing. Told the kids lies about me, guilted them into not having a relationship with me, extorted my husband for money under threat to ostracize him from their children, antagonized he and I both extensively, the whole nine yards. Although this woman functions at a more consistent level than I do, she is one of the most volatile people out there, the type of person a stranger can walk by and just see right away she's venomous and a bit scary. So that was hard. After two years she settled down into a new relationship and her focus went there. Things improved. My husband and I had fought almost every day, and at least mult times a week. I was in therapy and working hard to improve myself.

I told my doctor that it was all my fault my husband and I fight. That there is stressful external factors, but that I'm too sensitive and I fall apart. But when I told him the things my husband said and did to me, by "reaction," he started telling me that those things were very wrong and that I didn't deserve it. He finally convinced me. Then our therapy sessions became just me relaying my husband's abuses, and without me leaving him, it was just eating up money for no cause. So I stopped therapy.

I told myself that if I got better, completely better, that everything would be okay. My husband told me that he would be affectionate to me if I wasn't so smothering, that he would say nice things to me if I didn't ask so much, that he would never yell at me or anything if I didn't yell at him or act mean to him. So for two years now I am not at all smothering and I do not pester him for attention, affection, or kind words anymore. I don't have the temper tantrums I used to have either. Sometimes I still yell, but I do not say mean things. I never was one to threaten either. When I do yell it's built up for at least a month and it's because I'm hurt by him and I'm crying and angry and hurt he doesn't make more of an effort, or angry and hurt about how he hit me or said something awful to me or threatened me. Not that that justifies my yelling, but just to say my yelling is not a function of Borderline anymore.

So he said things would improve if I improved. I improved. He got worse. He said that was because I'd worn him out earlier on. I just needed to be patient and let him recover. He tells me how to be, and I listen and try to be that way. It's true it is a good way to be: easy going, gentle, calm. But he's become more frequently violent. I cry and lament that he never kisses me, that he never says validating or complimentary things to me, and he then screams at me and says horrible things. And if I yell he yells more and doesn't let up for days of berating me until I'm "contrite."

So no longer do I have a bad Borderline episode to get hit, threatened, yelled out, called names. Now it can be because I cried and complained. Or because I raised my voice. Or, yes, because I yelled.

I know I'm not an ideal person and that have many shortcomings. But I also know I have many good qualities, and that I work very hard to better myself and I have improved a tremendous amount.

I'm finally now coming to the realization that I don't deserve to be hit, threatened, or berated and raged out at length. It doesn't matter if I cried or complained or stressed him or yelled. I don't deserve to be hit or threatened. And my yelling for ten minutes once in two months about how he isn't affectionate to me or how I don't feel valued is not a good reason for him to be emotional ally abusive for two days, despite my apologizing and returning to a calm and compliant state.

Maybe I am emotionally abusive. Maybe I am. And if so it's not okay. I try to improve and I have improved a great deal. His abuse is definitely worse than mine and the treats and physical abuse is him alone. Unlike me though, he does not feel guilty, he does not accept responsibility for his actions, and he does not try to improve.

So duh. An abusive husband who is adamant it is all his wife's fault. She made him hit her. Everything mean he does is because she stressed him.

And here I've been telling myself it would get better. Despite evidence that it won't. Has it gotten better as I've gotten better? No. Has he recognized his abuse and tried to improve? No.

I can't leave now, but realizing this is a start.

[nicoleflynn]

I stayed for 31 years and then found the answer.......The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans...it saved my life. Education and knowledge...they keys. Read the book, get into therapy with a a therapist knowledge regarding verbal abuse, etc.

Abusers are all the same; they are always RIGHT. THe "secret" is that they are "vampires" needing a fix and that fix is you trying to explain. THey don't care about what you think or feel (so, in my case I stopped all communication about myself.

You can look up the "wheel of violence"---the on again, off again behavior of an abuser. Most abusers won't change because they are entrenched in their minds that they don't have a problem, so YOU have to decide what you want to do.

You can also call the domestic violence hotline. In other, words use all of the resources at your disposal and then make plans on what you want to do. It took me 5 more years to leave, once I had the knowledge of what was happening to me.

If you remember nothing else. Abuse (as is all of our behavior)....is a CHOICE. We do not MAKE anyone do anything. Stay in touch.

What worked for me: THe book I mentioned, therapy, reading everything I could on the subject (another good book, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirschenbaum),writing, etc.....You can begin your journey to freedom; no one deserves disrespect and abuse. Hugs.....P.S. Abuse is also literally brainwashing; that is why it is all so confusing. Don't yell, threaten,apologize......that is what an abuser wants......for you to be connected to them;as long as they can get you going, emotional....that feeds their vampire self.

In other words, when you respond to their abuse, it validates their insanity. Simply walk away; out of the house if you need to; refuse to let "rocks" be thrown at you. Everytime we are under stress, the body releases cortisol; cortisol damages the immune system (as moderator of an abused survivors'group ) I have never met an abused woman who didn't have all kinds of physical problems.

[Bill3]

I can't leave now, but realizing this is a start.

The decision to leave, or get ready to leave, or stay is yours. What are the pros and cons of staying versus leaving?

You have the skills, mind, heart to leave when you are ready.

It will be good to have an exit plan in place, at the ready if/when you decide to leave. Here is some advice about exit plans:

Dr. Phil.com - Advice - An Exit Action Plan: Guidelines for Leaving an Abusive Relationship