[HelloWorld18]

So my mom has been calling me saying how she misses me, but I don't miss her at all, and I have no desire to see her.

My whole life, she has put me down. She would say how she loves me, but doesn't like me. She would compare me to how good other kids my age were. And she has even said to me "The only mistake I ever made was not having an abortion". She's called me lazy, good for nothing, and has called me a failure. She's also blamed her divorce to my, then, step dad on me. She's also said "No wonder why you don't have friends, you're a freak." She's said almost everything you can say.

She's thrown her glass of water in my face, she's spit on me, and she's dragged me on the floor, by my foot, at around the age of 15 years old so she could spank me. Up until the day I turned 18, she has spanked me. She's spanked me with a belt, or a wooden spoon, or a metal/plastic clothing hanger. If she missed, and say hit my arms, wrists, hands, stomach, legs, or thighs. She would blame it on me, because I was moving and covering my butt. She would corner me, where I couldn't move, and sometimes she would repeatedly slap my head back and forth (like ping-pong), before each slap, she would call me stupid, a freak, a failure and she would say she wants me out of her life. Whenever I would say "When I turn 18 you won't be able to hit me anymore". She would reply, "Once you turn 18, you're out of here, so I won't have to worry about not spanking you". She says it's my fault she does all this, because i don't know how to keep my big mouth shut. She says its my fault because I push her buttons too much and she says I know when I should stop. There were a few times, where I was going to the bathroom, and she came in while I was sitting on the toilet, and began spanking me with a plastic hanger. While she was doing that, I was too busy trying to cover myself. I was 17 years old.

For the longest time, she didn't believe I had depression. She said the doctors don't know what they're talking about. But now, she seems to have accepted it.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Helloworld, in my eyes NO child abuse is EVER acceptable, but I'd certainly put that higher up than "on the lower spectrum" of abuse.
It sounds like she had some real problems, and I'm really sorry you had to go through all of that
And if you have no desire to see her that's absolutely your choice, and a very understandable one too!!!
Are you getting/do you think you may need some professional help with what you've been through??
Although we're here for you too!!!

Alison

[Jolisse]

Yes, it's child abuse and I don't blame you for not wanting to see her.

[Altered Moment]

I wouldn't call it low on the spectrum. Verbal and emotional abuse I would say was pretty high on the spectrum and those things are abuse. Maybe the physical stuff you might call lower. The fact she was still doing it when you 15 and 17 is bizarre. Your Mom has some serious issues.

[Rohag]

Wow. I'm sorry you had to endure all that, HelloWorld18. I agree with the others -- that's verbal, emotional and physical abuse.

This stands out to me:

Originally Posted by HelloWorld18

So my mom has been calling me saying how she misses me...

I think that's "true," but not true in the sense most people would mean it. I speculate (emphasize speculate) your mother misses the psychic-emotional "highs" she got from abusing you in various ways. When you left, she lost a person whose pain (your pain) supplied and nourished her odd set of psychological needs.

Consider checking the writings of Dr. Nina Brown, and see if you recognize any similar dynamics in your relationship with your mother.

[*PeaceLily*]

Rohag made a great point- she misses the role you played in her life. People who act like this see the people they abuse as extensions of themselves- maybe that's why they pour so much venom and hatred onto those they victimise...because in actuality they hate themselves. Kids who are abused always perform a role for the abuser as opposed to being treated like they have value in their own right. She probably misses the role you played in her life, but it wasn't healthy or fair on you.

Maybe she does think she misses you, but to what degree could you two have ever had a genuine relationship when she treated you like that?? My dad treated me in similar ways. My parents had a lot of kids so maybe the abuse got a bit more spreadout,so it wasn't like I shouldered the whole burden. Certain things you said your mother said are direct quotes from my father also.The behaviour is similar. I find it generally is in these situations.There are patterns.

Now i'm gone, my dad has contacted me saying he misses me too and telling me that counselling is mind control and that strangers can't be trusted and that it is a dangerous world. I think it's all about control. When you're gone they can't control you with violence, so they do they do it with 'I miss you' and general niceness or saying you can't cope. There is still an intense weird focus there. Even the niceness doesn't seem positive.

It's bad, and it is abuse xxx

[Clara22]

I think she really misses you whatever that means in her universe but, anyway, she has been harmful to you and I do not think you can afford more abuse from her.
In my view, we, human beings, are fragmented and full of contradictions. I am not totally happy with categories, I am not even happy with language because we use dichotomies to describe a reality than in fact is not dichotomical. To me somebody can behave 90 per cent of the time abusing people and despite that, feel some kind of unconditional love, or something like that. I am not sure how to quantify abuse but certainly she has abused you and this has produced a lot of harm to you and perhaps the most important thing is your subjective point of view and your certainty about how much harmful she has been according to you. Trust your gut. Sorry for my grammar

[HelloWorld18]

I do admit, that after her heart attack, things between her and I got better. That's kinda when we got along a lot better. She had it back in April.

[hannabee]

What you describe is appalling and it's NOT on the lower spectrum. I'm glad you are finally away from her. My mother was also abusive but not to the level of yours. I gave my mother so many chances until I FINALLY realized she was a narcissist and she did not love me...she did not love anyone but herself. And she wasn't stupid, she KNEW how she treated me was wrong. She died, I never forgave her and I never will.

She tried to come back around in her elder years, saying "I guess I wasn't a very good mother", but she only was looking for someone to take care of her. Was.not.happening.

Your mother sounds toxic. Stay away from her and work on the pain that a lifetime of not being nurtured and loved causes. You may never heal from it, but at least you know what kind of a parent you DON'T want to be.

[Abe Froman]

Not low spectrum. I experienced borderline abuse, mostly verbal and rarely got physical. But yours seems to be fairly serious. In my opinion.

[waterknob1234]

HelloWorld my heart broke reading your post. You have been thru so much. Yes, I would say you suffered abuse at the high end of the scale. I do not blame you for not wanting to be with your mother. I will never understand why any parent would abuse their child.

I would say you need to surround yourself with people or family members who are positive, loving, caring, and encouraging. Having suffered thru this much abuse you may benefit from counseling as well.

[*PeaceLily*]

I thought my situation might not be so bad too, but people here told me different. http://forums.psychcentral.com/survi...eful-help.html

I think most people have a tendency to minimise their own situation

xxx

[ChildlikeEmpress]

I definitely think this is on the high end of abuse as well... It's horrifying I think it is good that you are distancing yourself from your mom. She doesn't deserve to have you around! When somebody constantly puts you down like that it is easy to minimize yourself and think it was not that bad. But it was bad. Glad you are away from her.

[IDK_Anymore]

Helloworld18 and *PeaceLily*

Hugs and kisses to you both

xXx

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[nicoleflynn]

She misses her verbal/physical punching bag. I recommend the book which saved mly life: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans....I don't think there is such a thing as "mild/borderline abuse). Abuse is devastating...ALL kinds of abuse...it is ALL serious. Did you know that with verbal abuse aloe (the brain can physically change?) I have written and presented my paper, Society's Hidden Pandemic, Verbal Abuse, Precursor to Physical Violence and a FOrm of Biochemical Assault...if anyone is interested, I will be glad to send it to you....you can e-mail me (or comment here): carleton@oakland.edu (if you would put "psych" in the subject line......

[Bluegrey]

((HelloWorld))

I can't say for sure how serious it is, though it doesn't sound like lower end to me, but I do recognise some similarities between your experience and mine. So I wanted to let you know that I do understand a bit about how you might be feeling. I wasn't hit as badly as you but there was a lot of verbal and emotional stuff.


Bluegrey

[IrisBloom]

Hi, HelloWorld and Peacelily. Here is a good article you might find useful to help you understand what is going on inside you.

https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/is...nt/effects.cfm

Message me any time. I can try to help. I have had similar issues and sort of learned to deal, in my own way.

[phoenix7]

Toxic people exude poisonous words and actions - im sorry you had to suffer that - and im sorry that the person who should have nurtured you and built you up instead tried to destroy your self worth and physically and mentally abused you

just my opinion but dont get sucked back in - she is missing her "whipping boy" if you know what i mean - the person she can vent her anger and rage on - you are worth way more than that and you deserve way more than that.

If you dont feel like seeing her - don't and if i was you i would get an answering machine to screen your calls - that way you can call her back or answer her calls if andwhen you want to - thats what i did and it helped a lot- do whats best for you

Please take good care of yourself - oh and i dont think there is such a thing as a lower end of child abuse - its all harmful

P7

That is abuse and it sounds horrible. I dont really see there as being a spectrum... Abuse is abuse and she hurt you. I wouldnt want to see her at all.

[phoenix7]

How are you doing now ?

P7