[Mattk]

My girlfriend was sexually abused since she was younger. I don't want to go into heavy details, but I will say whatever is necessary. Her dad started touching her since she could remember. He was a gynecologist so he would examine her each week on Friday since the age of five. They had an examination table for her downstairs. When she was five, exams lasted two to three hours, as she got older, they got longer and more painful. He would measure her breasts, stick objects into her vagina, massage the body etc. at ten, he began raping her-- an excuse was to get her to mature. Raping would be in all different positions. In the shower, on a wall, him on top, her on top, her in a doggy style position. Whenever she faced him during the rape, she had to "smile," otherwise he would hit her. Anally, in the vagina, whatever he wanted. She came home from school, and would immediately have to undress. The only time she could have clothing on was in the morning before school. He came in at night and would do whatever he wanted. No locks on the door, he would walk in on her taking a shower or going to the bathroom and would grope her, put soap on her body, rape her.

Fast forward, I've been dating her for four years. Intimacy has been a challenge and I obviously haven't pushed her at all. I did push her to go see a therapist and she currently goes three times a week. About two years ago she wanted to have sex and I told her that we needed to go to a special therapist to make sure everything was done properly (sex therapist) and ensure no pain emotionally or physically would happen. It was hard and slow. We had to do a lot of excercizes ... She had to feel comfotable undressed, undressed with massage, undressed with touching, undressed with fingers inside of her and that all took two years. She feels she is ready to have sex but I am very nervous. She never gets wet at all and she's also on a lot of anti anxiety and depressants that could stop that. I want her to enjoy and feel comfortable and good the whole time. The therapist said to try it with her on top, in control. I fear also she was on top with her dad and her dad made her go quickly otherwise he would hit her. We plan on having sex in about two weeks. I really want advice on helping her enjoy it...how to help her in general. I don't want her to feel like she needs to do it for me.

[CANDC]

Welcome to Psych Central - I am sorry for the abuse, pain and anxiety of your girlfriend and the difficulty that poses for you.

To me the question is not preparing for sex, but preparing for emotional intimacy. Here are articles that might point the way to get closer without triggering the pain and suffering from the past.
Psych Central - Search results for Intimacy and sexuality

Of course it is a personal choice between 2 people, but it seems like a 2 year course is not enough to wash all the memories are away. It may take years to recover from this deep level of abuse that you describe.

To take an analogy, an animal has a defined psychic space that can be 30 feet around them. When you step into that psychic space the animal runs from fear of being hurt or injured.

In a person to person situation where one or both people experienced abuse, you may train someone to behave in a certain way but it is hard to condition the person who has been abused not to feel triggered by situations. Whatever you decide to do, you may find that exploring intimacy and sexuality may provide an experience that could be more comfortable for both persons involved.

You might consider using less graphic language in posting in the future. Describing horrific forms of abuse in graphic detail might serve a useful purpose in private therapy session well, but a public forum of people who have experienced abuse know all too well how bad abuse can be and might appreciate sparing the graphic details that could trigger them.

[Purple Heart]

Hi

It seems like you two have done a lot of work in building towards sexual intimacy. I guess the main thing is to just enjoy it when and if you do have sexual intercourse. Don't think too much about it, just go with the nice feelings. Take it slowly so she feels comfortable with you. I hope this helps.

PH

I was sexually abused and had a high libido as a kid because my head was all messed up... But i have absolutely no libido now. Be patient with her. Im glad youre here for her.

[RainbowG]

It sounds like you're being very sensitive to her situation, and I applaud you for that. Many men just can't be, not because they don't want to but because they just can't find it in themselves to understand how serious sexual abuse can be.

Her experiences are horrifying. I do wonder, like CANDC, whether 2 years is really sufficient for healing from this level of sexual abuse. It's very possible that she feels pressured to have a "normal" relationship with you without you putting any pressure on her. We all want that so badly.

I guess the only suggestion I can really make is to keep being very sensitive and to keep checking in with her whether it's all OK. If she gets uncomfortable with anything then stop. If you're feeling very uncomfortable about it then it's not a bad idea to tell her so and wait longer. Trust your instincts because she may not be able to trust her own. If it feels like she's forcing herself to do it for you then that could do more harm than good to your relationship, to her, and to you.

[mimsies]

Hmmm. Really difficult. You are a WONDERFUL partner to be so sensitive and thoughtful of her. I am wading in after having considered this post for awhile. I haven't been intimate with anyone in a LONG time, and pretty much have no interest in it, now. I really think that for me all voluntary sex ever was, was a means to something I really did want. Of course and intimate and "normal" relationship, and also a family. I have my son now, and I have given up on being with a partner. All that being said, I can share what has worked for me in the past when deciding to be intimate with someone.

Would you feel better if she were entirely in control, perhaps? Like agree that you will let her decide when to do what and how fast to move, and even to stop and not continue, that you will be open to whatever she wants to do next? I mean, have it be a nice night doing gentle things, like a nice dinner (maybe homemade or something low pressure but nice), maybe play a game, or watch a romantic video, or read to each other., or even just cuddle and have a conversation. She can either start kissing and foreplay, or indicate that she wants you to start kissing. She can decide when to remove what clothing and decide who removes it. And just go on that way.

Ya know... having been the object of attention for a sexually sadistic child abuser, who actually seems a LOT like her father, when I was eventually voluntarily intimate with a boyfriend, being our sides facing each other was one of the least triggering positions for me. For one, NIGHTMARE MAN never tried it that way, and for two it has a feeling of cooperation and equality and... CLOSENESS- emotional intimacy, and not an easy position in which to be coercive (which is probably one of the reasons he never tried it).

I think that is all I can say. I am hopefully going to post this if I don't chicken out, but that is all I can offer you because I am getting really triggered talking about this. I just wanted to help if I was able.

[nicoleflynn]

She needs therapy (first) for all that happened to her.