What can I do about a verbally abusive stepfather?

It's clear my mom won't leave him. I mean, whenever they've gotten into arguments, she'd always say how she's going to kick him out, but she never does. I kind of understand why she won't. She has two children with him (under 10), she's not financially able, and I guess she believes he will "change", or its just his nature to act this way, and it'll only last a little bit.

For the past 10 years, my stepfather has been verbally abusive. He yells at my mom, calls her names, and belittles her. This only happens though when they get into arguments, like financial or just something that sparked him (he gets sparked easily). But then when things cool down (usually after a few days), he apologizes, says he won't do it again, but he always does. The intervals between abuse can vary: it can be days, weeks, or months. Essentially, if you've ever seen the cycle of abuse, that's what my life is.

I've called the police 2 years ago, after a horrible three day argument. I said enough was enough. The police didn't do much, they told him to leave for a few days. He came crying back after 1 day, and said it would never happen. He didn't think I had the guts to call the police, and I didn't, but after I got the fair share of domestic abuse, I wanted to prove him wrong.

A month ago, they had a horrible argument again. That's when I decided that I'd never talk to him again, after everything he's said to me and my mom. Things went well with them later, I still don't communicate with them, but a few days ago my mom went to the doctors for a lump on her stomach. She could barely move, she's in pain, and no-one knows yet what's wrong with her until tests come back.

He was helping, until he kept making jokes and whatnot, and when my mom said she wasn't in the mood for joking as she's in pain, that set him off. Now he argues over who's going to shovel the snow off the driveway, who will pick the siblings from school, and who will do simple household chores. He doesn't give a damn about her right now, all he's focused on is "winning". He told her earlier, that "I hope that you die". Now I know what will happen days from now, he'll apologize, makeup, and all that stuff he's been doing for years.

I had to leave my mom this week for university, but I'll be back on Friday. I plan on calling the police if things are still as it is. I'm not sure what else I can do legally? Charge him for verbal abuse? Get a domestic violence protective order? I'm fed up and what to expose him for the abuser he is (as he does not see himself as one).

Sunisburning, welcome to Psych Central. Sorry for all the abuse you and your family have lived through. It is sad when financial necessity makes people endure abuse.

Not sure what you should do. If mother is going to be sick for a while who will take care of the children and your mother?

Unfortunately most abusers hide their own abusive behavior so they even deny it. If they confronted it they would have to stop it because it is so hurtful to others.

Is there any kind of social worker or public assistance person that could be an advocate for your mother and children?

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This is a really tough situation. When there's domestic abuse, kids want to do something about it. That's natural. I'm not surprised that the police didn't do much. If he's not physically or sexually abusive then it's not an emergency for them.

But the truth is that it's not up to you to "save" your mother from an abusive relationship, even when she's ill. Maybe someday she'll find the courage to reach out for help and leave him. This isn't your responsibility, no matter how ugly the situation.

I think the best you can do is provide emotional support to her and your siblings and also take care of yourself. That might sound selfish, but the healthier you are physically and mentally, the more you're able to help your mother and other siblings. Don't discount the abuse against you. Verbal and emotional abuse is very painful and requires healing.

Your mother's beliefs are common in domestically abused women. I heard the same kinds of things from my mother. She's been married to my abusive father for over 50 years. My sister and I have tried many things to get her to see the situation for what it is. We've accepted that it's just not going to happen (they're in their 70s and my father's health is failing, so she likely will never leave him).

I understand your desire to help your mother, but this is her problem, not yours. If you focus so much of your energy now on trying to help her get away from him, you may find yourself 20 years from now still being dragged down by other people's problems. It becomes a habit, and it's not a healthy one.