[rainboekid]

This is the first time I’ve ever really talked about these things with other people so bear with me if I get off track. When I was younger I think like 6 or 7 years old, my brother was kissing me all over my neck, I really didn’t know what was going on. I remember like right after that I went and started kissing my moms neck just like my brother did to me and she looked kind of like wtf and I told her that that is how ------- told me to kiss. I don’t think she did anything about it though. I think this is abuse what my brother did, is it? I just found out about sibling abuse and that things like this aren’t normal if they are more than 2 years older than you. Unfortunately I don’t remember what brother it was but my youngest brother is 3 years older than me, I think it was him I just don’t like to think of that because he is like my best friend.
When I was around the same age I went to the grocery store with my parents and had to go with my dad into the males bathroom and I don’t know it’s just an uncomfortable experience to talk about. I just remember being there and watching my dad and a stranger pee and they were both looking at me and smiling. I don’t know but this in itself looking back just extremely creeps me out. I never really liked my dad when I was little I don’t really know why I just refused to kiss him or tell him that I loved him ( I probably didn‘t I know I don‘t now) , that probably started when I was like 4, it was pretty early but I just didn’t like him.
Anyways this kind of led me to feel like he was a pedophile, as I got older in my early teens I started to think that. It always bothered me when he looked at me because I don’t want him thinking of me in any sexual way which it feels like sometimes. When he was babysitting my niece once he was holding her she was about 6, and he was saying that he loved her over and over again and the way he looked absolutely freaked the **** out of me, he looked like he really really loved her. I think I might’ve yelled at him for that because to me it looked so disgusting. I hate being around him and sometimes questioned if I was sexually abused by him but I try to keep that out of my mind as much as possible because I don’t want to create any false memories if I wasn’t. But I feel like this has seeped into other parts of my life like it’s hard for me to see other fathers as fathers like when I see a dad and a little girl together I just see a pervert and a victim. I don’t see a father. It’s hard for me to see men as not pedophiles.
My dad also used to do this thing to us where if we were rowdy he would take us and hold us and squeeze us so we couldn’t move. I saw him do this to my nephew and he was crying so hard and my dad actually left red finger marks on him. I felt so bad for my nephew.
I also had other problems when I was younger. My parents divorced when I was 7. I was around them fighting a lot, I usually hid in my room though and my brothers would take turns being with me. I remember telling my brother I wanted to kill myself and he told me if I did that than I wouldn’t go to heaven. I know my brother was trying to be supportive and I respect that but I feel like that statement was kind of invalidating but I don’t know.
My brothers used to tease me a lot when I was younger. I guess some days they were really nice and some days not as much. They told me a had a moustache and would feel my peach fuzz above my lip. I remember staring into the mirror and panicking, and I shaved it. I shaved it a couple times throughout my childhood and am now doomed to waxing all the time. I also shaved my arms a year or 2 later when my friend told me she shaved her arms because her sister did, this followed with me looking into the mirror again looking at the razor and shaving my arms. A year later I have another memory of my freaking out about having a zit on my face, about 9 years old now and so I was going to use the clean and clear in the bathroom and my dad yelled at me. He always acted like I was dumb, no matter what I was doing. I tried to help him with his money, I was very obsessed with budgeting money, and he would just go aww that’s cute or he wouldn’t take my advice. I was young but I was hurt by the lack of understanding, I got a lot of correct info from the internet and knew what I was talking about. I knew how to count money and how to spend and when not to spend it. He made me feel less than him like somehow I was stupid and didn’t know how to see the world correctly, like I was somehow seeing it wrong as a child.
I never really consulted anything with my family, never spoke about my insecurities. We were like a laid back casual, do what I want to do kind of family. If I did it ever speak about my feelings or anything I liked, it was kind of rejected. My mom would tell me no whenever I said I liked something. She has a really werid view of me, she was on meth when I was younger so I don’t know if anything she tells me is true, but she always thinks she knows what I was or am thinking or feeling. Like I remember for a fact when I was 5 and started soccer I quit during the first game because I had stage fright. I remember looking into the crowd and being scared as ****. But when I talk to my mom about this and she tells me that it was because I didn’t like having boys on my team (I’m a girl btw) and that wasn’t the case at all. She has a picture in her mind that I’m a complete girly girl which I’m not. I tell her that no that wasn’t how I felt and she just keeps telling me yes it was yes it was. I don’t know why she tries to keep telling me how I feel.
There are other things that my family members did, like when I didn’t eat all my food my sister would show me pictures of starving children in Africa and told me I had to eat because I had to be grateful for the food God gave me, my mom always put her boyfriends first (after my parents divorce), my dad always talks about wanting to date women younger than my sister who is 33 and again something I find personally really disgusting, my dad never cleaned the house so during my early teens when I lived with him their would be dog **** and dog pee that I had to avoid and it smelt terrible there I just stayed in my room as much as possible and tried to stay away from him as much as possible - I actually got a lock on my door, I had to cook dinner many times at both my mom and dads house because they didn’t want to cook dinner other times I just didn‘t eat because no one wanted to make dinner, I was always stuck listening to my moms problems for hours on end literally, I had many other things too but this post is way too long so I can’t list them all. I don’t know how to get through these things I went through, especially the younger ones. My therapist just tells me I have anxiety even though I experience dissoicative symptoms everyday, I told her but she just doesn’t really seem to care. I told her the main reason I went to therapy was to feel my emotions again and to feel like all my parts of me were connected and she just completely ignored that and wanted to treat me as an anxiety disorder because I said my heart beats fast sometimes. She never asks me about my past either which I don’t understand. She asked a few questions at the beginning and I told her some things like my parents divorce, how my mom was on meth, and my moving around (been to 8 different schools lived in about 9 different houses), my step dads suicide. She has never talked to me about anything when I was younger. She doesn’t help me to understand my feelings, like isn’t that what a therapist is for?? She just wants to treat me like an anxiety disorder. I also want to understand of what I said is abuse, I just said things that hurt me. I don’t really understand exactly what abuse is but I feel like I have experienced it… I just really want to get better and I want my therapist to understand that too. Sorry i just kind of vented.

[CANDC]

Hey rainboekid, sorry to hear you went through some upsetting and harrowing experiences. A trained professional therapist in abuse can help guide people through the minefields of triggers to get to a more balanced place.

If you wish to read some articles that might refer to your question.
Psych Central - Search results for What is defined as abuse

[angelicgoldfish05]

Hi rainboe, I am not a trained professional, but...

Originally Posted by rainboekid

It always bothered me when he looked at me because I don’t want him thinking of me in any sexual way which it feels like sometimes...

Sounds like there was something there sexually that you were feeling very uncomfortable with.

Originally Posted by rainboekid

He made me feel less than him like somehow I was stupid and didn’t know how to see the world correctly, like I was somehow seeing it wrong as a child.

Sounds like emotional abuse.

Originally Posted by rainboekid

...she was on meth when I was younger...

Sounds like neglect.

Originally Posted by rainboekid

My therapist just tells me I have anxiety even though I experience dissoicative symptoms everyday, I told her but she just doesn’t really seem to care.

Sounds like it may be time to find a new therapist.

Originally Posted by rainboekid

She never asks me about my past either which I don’t understand. She asked a few questions at the beginning and I told her some things like my parents divorce, how my mom was on meth, and my moving around (been to 8 different schools lived in about 9 different houses), my step dads suicide.

It seems this is the thing with therapists now. They are expected to get progress and results so quickly now.. So there is no time to rehash out the past. Just get to the present and then get the future taken care of. Are you planning on seeing her for a while? Are you at a private practice clinic or public health/low income type thing. Quality of therapists can somewhat vary in accordance with what you can afford. If she is not working for you, maybe there is a therapist who specializes in trauma that you could see.

Originally Posted by rainboekid

She has never talked to me about anything when I was younger.

Or maybe she is waiting to build a relationship first before delving into the deeper stuff. Have you been seeing her long? She might be working on getting a groundwork of trust build up, and a space of safety first, so you will be contained when you go into the past and get to the deeper things. I thought of this because my t was doing the same thing. It often felt like just talking to a friend going to therapy. I thought to myself, I have friends I can call up and talk to about just the normal everyday things. I want the t as a professional to help me with the psychological stuff... and it just seemed like we were not doing that... like she was not doing that. Then I stopped to think that, well, I don't even really trust this person anyways. I will need that before I get anywhere with healing past stuff anyways so what good would it do to talk about it yet? Probably not much. She doesn't know me well enough, and I don't know her well enough.

Originally Posted by rainboekid

I don’t really understand exactly what abuse is but I feel like I have experienced it…

This is important! Trust your feelings. They are valid. Sometimes, I feel like I don't remember what happened, and maybe I don't even want to. But I feel like something went very wrong somehow, because I feel like it did. And I feel very messed up because of it. If you absolutely need a definition of abuse, well what state are you in? Every state has a legal definition of abuse. For example, Louisiana's definitions are:

“Abuse” means any of the following acts which seriously endanger the physical, mental or emotional health and safety of the child.

The infliction, attempted infliction, or as a result of inadequate supervision, the allowance of the infliction or attempted infliction of physical or mental injury upon the child by a parent or other person.
The exploitation or overwork of a child by a parent or any other person.
The involvement of the child in any sexual act with a parent or any other person, or the aiding or toleration by the parent or any other person of the child’s sexual involvement with another person or of the child’s involvement in pornographic displays, or any other involvement of a child in sexual activity constituting a crime under the laws of this state.
The coercion of a child into having an abortion
“Neglect” means the refusal or unreasonable failure of a parent or caretaker to supply the child with necessary food, clothing, shelter, care, treatment, or counseling for injury, illness, or condition of the child, as a result of which the child’s physical, mental, or emotional health and safety is substantially threatened or impaired.

Neglect includes prenatal neglect. It is the unlawful use by a mother during pregnancy of a controlled dangerous substance that results in symptoms of withdrawal in the infant or the presence of a controlled substance in the infant’s body.
Reporting Child Abuse/Neglect | Department of Children & Family Services | State of Louisiana

You can search your state's department of child welfare and usually find it somewhere on their site or searching abuse definitions in your state.

Originally Posted by rainboekid

I just really want to get better and I want my therapist to understand that too.

You can get better. And one of our deepest human needs is to be understood.