[ThisWayOut]

I'm not sure how to explain this without sounding like a scary psychopath, so please bear with me.

Earlier this morning, my dad (whom I no longer have contact with and who lives in another country) was skyping with my mom. The topic of his oldest sister came up. He described some of the things she has been saying and doing lately that have caused even him to sever ties with her (she would probably qualify for a dx of psychopath. she was always horribly abusive to everyone in the family, but my dad was wrapped aroung her little finger for a lot of years)... Anyway, he was concerned about her behavior and current level of delusions. I chimed in that he should probably call social services on her and ask them to check up on her because what she was saying leads the family to believe she will seriously harm someone... He actually agreed (something he has never done before, but I guess even he is scared of her now).

The part that has me feeling ****** is my reaction to the thought of someone coming in, forcably taking her away and forcably medicating her: I'm elated. This is more than just happy, I'm ready to jump for joy and throw a party... I would love to be a fly on the wall if they actually do take her away, and I would be smiling from ear to ear as she screams that they are just trying to kill her (I think she's got some demetia going on at this point, because she's quite delusional). This reaction is so far from who I see myself as, that it really bothers me. But, she is the only person on the planet that ellicits this kind of reaction. Literally anyone else I will argue that their background has brought them to where they are today, and I will feel bad for them. Pick any horrific serial killer or psychopath on the planet, and I will feel compassion for them (not saying they shouldn't pay for their crimes or abuses, but that I can see how what they went through in life brought them to the point they are at and I feel bad for them). I can understand the same with *****, but I don;t feel bad for her and I still really want her to suffer. I don't care about her circumstances growing up, I don't care about her trauma history, I don't care about her mental illnesses. She ****ed with too many people I *do* care about for me to even remotely feel any compassion for her at all. She was horribly abusive to everyone... I want to see her suffer for it.

While I would never act on some of the fantasies I hold about what I would like to see done to her, the level of pleasure I get from thinking about them scares me. I don't like this aspect of myself (it makes me too much like her)... The more I think about what may happen to her if social services steps in and gets her out of society, the more relief I feel. I really want this to happen. I really want her not to be able to hurt anyone else any more. I would love to find out that they took her and have her on high levels of antipsychotics and sedatives. Finally, the world would feel kinda safe...

Does being so utterly happy about the thought of her locked up and heavily medicated make me a as bad as her?

[sideblinded]

((ThisWayOut))

I read your post and one thing that jumped out at me was the fact that you talk a lot about protecting so many others and not so much yourself. I don't know your background but your emotions elicit that much of this abuse was seen and heard. If this abuse was directed at you and or those you love then your emotions make total sense. If this abuse happened to you as a child then your thoughts and emotions make total sense. If you were at the end of this horrendous abuse then it would be not only normal but natural to feel a sense of relief to see the one who inflicted so much harm taken away and get what is due her. It sounds like the abuse is very deep seated in you or you wouldn't have such a reaction. Inside you there is most probably a helpless child who would finally be validated if she was taken away. I feel you just need validation. I don't really feel that your intentions are from malice but more so of the need for validation. You are ok.

[ThisWayOut]

thanks... yeah, she abused everyone around her, myself included. and she would work my dad up to be more abusive than he already was... he did a lot of scary **** at her insistance.
I never really thought of it as validation, but yeah. I think that's it. I need acknowledgement from the outside that she isn't just this poor unfortunate soul who everyone hates through no fault of her own. She did a lot of bad things, and to have not only my dad see it, but others outside the family would be amazing (there is validation from my mom, and there was some from my dad's middle sister before she passed, but no one else ever admitted that she was so abusive. She knew how to be totaly slick about it, and she knew how to charm people...).

[Frankbtl]

Hi ThisWayOut, no you don't sound like a scary psychopath
It sounds like your actual deep down compassion and empathy towards others, and wish for their protection are big factors in the way you feel.
And there will be times when even the most compassionate person finds it impossible to be compassionate towards someone else when their behaviors could/do deeply effect others they care about or themselves. And by the sounds of it this woman's behaviors hit some extremes, right?
But like you said you felt "Finally, the world would feel kinda safe... ", well that's got to bring a lot of relief........going from knowing what she's done and that she was free to be carrying on with what she'd been doing, with no recourse, no consequences, to finally..............I can imagine a.........."satisfaction".
So no, your reactions don't make you as bad as her, don't sound like those of a psychopath, what they do make you is human
Alison

[ThisWayOut]

**trigger warning**


Some extremes is a huge understatement... she's killed animals "just because" or because they were bothersome to her. She has tried to kill just about everyone in the family at least once, though not necessarily in ways that could really be pinned on her (except trying to smother my aunt as a baby a few times, the rest was pushing people down large flights of stairs or tripping them so they would hit their head. She refused to call 911 when my grandma was having a heart attack, then claimed she didn't know it was a heart attack, just thought grandma was "being dramatic"... she pulled a knife on me more than once...). :shudders: I want her gone...

[Frankbtl]

Hi ThisWayOut, I'm sorry you and your family had to go through all of that and you're right........some extremes is a huge understatement!!
I could understand the feeling that those you cared about and yourself were just "left at her mercy" without any protection from what she did or might do.......and lots of feelings about that, hey?? e.g. fear, powerlessness, helplessness, frustration, anger, hurt........and those feelings have been building up, right??
So maybe now you're feeling at last, a "sense of justice"?? A relief that at last........!!!
So it is OK to be feeling like you're feeling
But you're getting some support from your T in working through the things that have happened to you, right??

Alison

[ThisWayOut]

I'm sure I could if I asked. She's a new t, and we never broached any of this, though she might hear about some of it next week.
I just hope the county does step in and do something. I hope my dad didn't chicken out calling them about her...

[Frankbtl]

Hi ThisWayOut, yes it would probably be good if you could tell your T some of that.
Even "just" having her pull the knife on you was probably quite traumatizing, right??
And particularly with her moods/behaviors having been so "unpredictable".
As for your dad.........hopefully he'll finally "take a stand", at least it seems like it's "opened his eyes" a bit.
But if not you could always report what your dad has said about her behaviors, it might not hold as much ground coming from a "third party"........but maybe if it seems like she might be a danger to others........and if not, at least they'll have it on record if any other concerns come their way.

Alison

[ThisWayOut]

Yeah... sadly, I know nothing about where she lives or anything like that. I hope he follows through.

This whole concept has me on edge. I'm not quite sure what to do in order to ground from it. I've run the gamut of emotions from elation, to relief, to anger, to sadness. I tried my usual stuff (art, the animals, music, tv, talking to friends and family, house chores, writing) but it just feels like I pull myself together from one overwhelming emotion only to find myself in another... might be time to try sleep. Trying to avoid sh (and the request to call t's agency crisis line before acting on sh). :/ the past 3 days have been one unusual trigger after another. Is Tuesday here yet?

[sideblinded]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

Yeah... sadly, I know nothing about where she lives or anything like that. I hope he follows through.

This whole concept has me on edge. I'm not quite sure what to do in order to ground from it. I've run the gamut of emotions from elation, to relief, to anger, to sadness. I tried my usual stuff (art, the animals, music, tv, talking to friends and family, house chores, writing) but it just feels like I pull myself together from one overwhelming emotion only to find myself in another... might be time to try sleep. Trying to avoid sh (and the request to call t's agency crisis line before acting on sh). :/ the past 3 days have been one unusual trigger after another. Is Tuesday here yet?

Because of my abusive past as an ACOA , I do the same thing. I hope you get some sleep.

[*PeaceLily*]

I actually WAS forcibly medicated by my parents, my mother being the person who initiated it all for years and years. I don't feel any desire to have the same thing happen to her, but then again, I have not even begun to touch my anger. I am still in 'intellectual' and dissociated' mode. I am not in 'feeling' mode, so to speak, so perhaps later down the line, I will struggle more with thoughts of vengeance.
I did briefly have an image of punching my mother in the face, but it disturbed me.

It seems like once people start feeling in recovery, then all sorts of stuff comes out of the woodwork. I think that's why I am scared to start feeling! Like I said, I am very early on in recovering, and I haven't even really so much as dipped a toe into that murky pool of feeling. I can only imagine that a lot of interesting and disturbing images and inclinations will fill my mind once I do! I'm guessing it is a part of the process. Maybe this is what is happening here with you?

XxX

[mimsies]

Possible triggers to follow:





I have had many very twisted revenge thoughts about the man who raped, beat, and tortured me when I was 11. In reality I would never do any of them, but thinking about it sometimes makes this disturbingly evil delight rise in me. Other times, I just feel sorry for him because he will never be able to love or be loved, not for real. And I also wonder what he has gone through to make him what he is. But when I get angry... I imagine horrible things. Then I feel guilty...

Reading what you wrote didn't make you seem like a psychopath or anything. I thought what you feel is perfectly understandable. Besides, simply feeling something isn't bad, but how you act or don't act on that feeling that is important. Course coming from someone who imagines horrible revenge, what I say may be of no value whatsoever.

[Bluegrey]

What struck me was that you were concerned about feeling like this, and not quite feeling easy about it. That would say to me that you are in a very different place from her - and I agree with others above who suggested that you are reacting to something in a perfectly natural way, in that you and others would be safe.

It must be so stressful going through all this. I'm glad you're able to talk about it here.


Bluegrey