[RedSun]

This may be triggering for those who have experienced repressed or recovered memories, or have strong beliefs about them.

I have been in therapy for a year. About six months in, something just clicked for me, and I 'knew' about stuff that had happened to me as a teenager. It was not completely out of the blue, I knew that a amply friend had made me watch porn, had said v inappropriate things to me, and used to come to our home when my patents were out. I also know that I felt scared about this, my mum asked if I wanted him to stop. She told him to stop coming round. These are all facts that I don't question.
However, the more this time is (very gently) looked at in therapy, I 'remember' situations of abuse. It's obviously upsetting, and spins me out for days!
But, reading books I have, and online articles, it seems that most psychologists dispute the reality of these memories, and suggest that 'false memory syndrome' is to blame.
I feel so confused, and shamed. Am I making stuff up? Can anyone tell me their own experiences? I'm really struggling. Thanks.

[mimsies]

Ground Lost: The False Memory/Recovered Memory Therapy Debate | Psychiatric Times
I think this is one of the most "fair" articles I have ever read on the subject.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Hi Red, I too want to know more about repressed/recovered memories. I wonder if they are real, and if so, if it is possible for me. I don't know one way or the other if they are real. I have heard (or maybe read in the book "Courage to Heal") that if one has a *sense* that something happened, the feelings are there for a reason. Some people forget details, but don't forget feelings. Or so it seems that way to me.

I have a feeling that things happened that I can't remember. But I have no idea. No one else will be able to tell me. I don't know if I will ever "recover" memories or even if they are repressed at all. They say you only have to look at where a person is to know where they have been. Your memories are very specific, and likely mean something. Why those details? Why a family friend and why that activity as opposed to something else? It seems too specific to be made up. Why would anyone make stuff up anyways? It seems to me that once someone is in a safe place, and has a bond of trust built up with the right person, the veil may just be lifted, and you may be able to face things that you didn't even know were there. Maybe our brains just have a way of protecting us from processing things until we are ready.

I guess I don't have the answers, but I share the same questions.

[*PeaceLily*]

Hi,

I definately had/have repressed/largely repressed memories. They weren't recovered in therapy, although I remembered them whilst having therapy. They weren't suggested by the therapist in any way. we weren't discussing sexual abuse at all.

I had brief snapshots initially, and then loads of stuff suddenly came flooding back.For me, it as like a dam broke, and loads of things came rushing in. I know its true because I even remember how I 'forgot' it in the first place. I still don't remember it all though, and there are bits of the memories I just cannot focus on becauee they are just too uncomfortable for me.I know with 100% certainty that these memories about what happened with this person are true.

I don't know what came first- I either dissociated less, and that's why the memories came back, or the memories coming back resulted in me dissociating less. Either way, the memories seem to be linked to dissociation for me. Sexual abuse, from what I've read, is strongly linked to dissociation. I also think that finally being in a safe place and off medications that were giving me side effects, and away from the people who abused me, made it 'safe' enough for my brain to give me more conscious information. I also think that doing some mindfulness exercises might be linked to me having more memories of it all too.

I also have 'snapshots' and a brief memory in my head of another abuse scenario involving someone other than the person that I had all these memories about.I have memories of things that were said during this scenario too. However, I am not focusing on this memory because I really don't want this memory to be true. I am pushing it away, but it keeps re emerging in my mind.I don't know how I will cope if it is true.

I kind of feel there are more 'dams to break' when it comes to these memories.

All I know is that upon researching, there are a lot of people who have had this same experience with images and memories seeping in, often just images at first and then more bits of the puzzle reemerge sometimes fast, soemtimes slowly . I don't think we're all lying, especially because none of us want it to be true!

I do think people can falsely remember stuff, but my understanding of the false memory syndrome is that the 'memories' have been encouraged/suggested by a therapist. That is not what happened to me.The memories just came to fruition of their own accord- there was no mention of sexual abuse prior by me or the therapist.

Another aspect of what made me know it was true was that the memories involved certain things that if I were imagining it all wouldn't have been involved. For instance, there were specific things like 'flavoured condoms' which I have never thought of or used at any other time.

Another part of knowing it was all real was that all the parts of the memories that got added all contributed to the same picture and made sense. Also, I had such a physical reaction to the memories especially some of the more explicit ones- gagging and things like that. It was such a physical experience to remember it more and more.

Also, there was the fact that I really didn't want it to be true- I have a very bad past anyway, I didn't need any extra trauma! There was nothing to gain from fake memories in terms of sympathy because my family of origin is very abusive and would think I'm making it up or that it was somehow my fault or that I should just get over it anyway.

I feel very devastated by it, but also more whole, (that might be caused by things making more sense, and also by me being less dissociated.)

I don;t know if any of that is helpful. It is me trying to explain how unfortunately, I know it's real. Is any of this true for you? I hope you will be able to relate this to your situation

xxx

[RedSun]

Thank you Peace Lily, that's very helpful
I've had very physical reactions too (including gagging and a sensation of a horrid taste that's sooooo real) and it feels so real....I just feel devastated when I read some of the 'research', even whilst I can see it is deeply flawed...it makes me so angry that this stuff is so prevalent, one more reason for someone to stay silent

Also, your writing has made me realise that we were also not discussing anything like this in therapy. I think that I just looked back and focused on a certain time in my life, and, as you say, the dams came down. I feel so confused, but it's been so helpful to read your experience, thank you so much for sharing.
Part of the confusion is that I remember being told as a child that therapists put fake memories in your head, and turn people against their families.....what a mess.
Xxxxx