Is it rape?

I was 16. My friends and I liked to drink and looking back we drank quite a bit for a group of 16 year old girls, splitting a 30 pack of beer between 4 or 5 of us was normal and we could hold our alcohol, seeming not as drunk as we should have been after binge drinking 6 beers as petite 16 year old girls. So naturally when my friends parents were out of town we were thrilled to have a house to party in for the night. The night began like most, a great night getting drunk with my best guy and girlfriends. Late into the night a boy and I ended up in one of her bedrooms being drunk teenagers, doing a little bit more than kissing but not having sex. Being a virgin I knew that drunkly at a party with a guy friend that I wasn’t even dating was not how I wanted to lose my virginity. With this mindset I wanted to make sure that that didn’t happen. One of the last things I remember clearly is saying, “I just don’t want to have sex though, okay?” He agreed. After this I either blacked out or passed out, I’m still not sure which. The next thing I remember is coming to, he’s on top of me and kind of flys up, I was confused what was happening, got up still in my underwear and got dressed. I think he went back to keep drinking, I laid down and went back to sleep. The next day I was so confused what had happened, I knew I didn’t want to have sex so I just assumed we didn’t, maybe I knew and didn’t want to admit it. For the next week I convinced myself that indeed I was still a virgin and we had not had sex. Until I was talking to one of his friends, who informed me that he had told him that we did have sex… what. I didn’t know how to take that, so I just told myself that I shouldn’t have put myself in that position, that he was as drunk as me and therefore couldn’t be blamed for that, and that it had happened so it was time to grow up move on and forget about it. And I did, barely thinking about it for the next 5 years. Until recently when events somehow stirred it all up again and I started to question what had happened. I’ve never had a serious boyfriend; instead I had a promiscuous stage, never letting any guys get too emotionally close, trusting people is tough for me, and letting my walls down is just not something I easily do. I started to think that maybe this event had affected me more than I thought. I am just curious as what others think about this.

welcome to Psych Centrl nismay. Sorry you had a very emotionally charged situation. Not sure of the answer to your question.
I did find some posts and blogs on Psych Central that do ask similar questions
Psych Central - Search results for What is rape

There are many forums here at Psych Central http://forums.psychcentral.com

You clearly said No. A person is unable to give consent if they are blacked out also.

You said No. Apparently he told his friend who told you that the two of you had sex. Have you somehow confirmed this? I don't want to discount your feelings or what happened to you. It just made me think of rumors and how a guy might just say that to a friend for whatever reason guys say this to each other (to brag maybe). What evidence besides this do you have that he had sex with you? I know it isn't always possible but if I were in your situation, I would want confirmation somehow, of the situation. Can you ask any other people who were there with you? Or can you ask the guy (not that you probably ever want to speak with him again if he did in fact rape you). I don't know what to say, just hoping to help.. Hope this doesn't make things worse to ask you these questions or to say this. It probably reflects a lack of understanding, sensitivity and tact on my part, in which case I apologize.

It is common to blame ourselves for abuse that is most certainly NOT our fault. I don't care if you were drunk or if he was. It was not your fault. You clearly said no. Even drunk people understand the word no and what that means.

What events stirred up these feelings?

You are questioning if it is rape. Does it matter to have a definite answer? Who am I kidding, I want these kind of answers too... I think it helps us to have some answers and clarity about what has happened to us in our past. However, there is a saying that you only need to look at where a person is at to see where they have been. And in your case, the event - rape or not - still sounds like it felt like rape and that it has affected your life very much.

Please seek some help to get through this. Therapy is a helpful tool with the right person. I have my own story to share about this, but it is no where near as bad and my therapist told me it clearly was not rape because I did not say no. I was with a guy and I told him I only wanted to cuddle. We were not drunk or even drinking. He was a guy I met from AA. He said he was interested in me. I was spending the night at his house and we had a bath together (naked) - his idea, I went along. I told him I only wanted to cuddle because I was going through recovery and didn't want to have sex. But did he listen? No. He persisted and we had sex. Did I initiate? Did I want to have sex with him? No. Did I care enough to even say no? (no). Was saying no even an option? (yes, I suppose). It's not like I can never say no in life. Just cause I have a hard time with it, doesn't mean that any guy who sees me can have me. But this one did. Never talked to me again after I left his house the next morning.

I guess it was not rape. I don't have any of the feelings like I'm dirty or blaming myself or anything. I don't feel much about it at all. It's just one more guy and one more time and one more one night stand I guess. These days the thought of sex terrifies me and makes me cry though.

^^^Angelic, even if not classified as that there's another word, coerced.

As far as whether these unpleasant sexual encounters affect us? Yes, they do.

As to trouble with emotional intimacy, having promiscuous time periods, it's complex. There can be numerous reasons why to not let others get too close. It's truly an individual work through in therapy(and i say it like that, not to get the answers right away, but because a seeing a therapist can be like taking your car in for a tune up, in a way. They can see and point things out face to face in ways that researching the internet cannot) .

Feeling something is better than feeling nothing at all, is one thought i have on the topic.

Welcome to PC. I hope you find the support you deserve.

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

He didn't force me though. He just started and I just went along with it. Maybe I didn't try and stop him for fear that I couldn't. My boundaries have always been pretty bad. It is almost like I don't have a right to even know what I want, like if he wanted to do that, then that's all that is important. Give him what he wants. Maybe I don't even feel like my body is mine if that makes any sense. Do other people abandon or disown their own bodies?

That's what makes it coercion.

Eventually after enough times of boundryless or overstepped boundary experiences, it's possible to have an emotional/mental separation from what's happening physically.



Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

I agree that it's the effect this has on you today that matters. Whatever happened, the guy did not respect your body or wishes. Maybe he lied to his friend, but if it did, you are suffering from a violation.

Also, not to get too graphic (and definitely not to discount your experience), but wouldn't there have been evidence if he had?

angelicgoldfish05, I can relate to your story. I did say no, but it was too late and by then I just wanted it to be over. I don't think I expected more for myself, or my life, other than to be used.

Regarding knowing if it was true I don't 100% I'm pretty positive though bc he isn't someone that would necessarily make that up, I later found out his "little friend" was indeed "little" (lol) so thats why I accounted for no soreness the next day. You're right I assume there would be, but I didn't even check. At the time my mindset was just to leave my friends and shower the night away- part of me not allowing my thoughts to go there, it is very hard for me to focus on the negatives/bad things. I guess I can add a little background to that, growing up I watched/supported my mom through depression so I think it's partly from that that my mind automatically tries to think of the good in every situation and avoids wallowing in sad thoughts bc I know the hold those can begin to have on you.

I'm so sorry that you had to deal with that. I know how it feels to "make" a decision like that that you know deep down you didn't want to make and the feeling of disconnecting yourself with your actions bc it feels (for me in the past at least) easier/ safer than allowing/forcing yourself to face what you're feeling or stand up and say no.

The feelings that stirred up all this (in my Christian prospective) were all in Gods plan... I was on a mission trip in another country, we were working with the elementary children, doing sex ed among other things. One of my group members came and told me a story about -among many upsetting questions to hear from young children- one little girl that asked "How do you know if you've been raped"
I was shocked/ deeply saddened by this question and thought about it for the next week. I thought about what she must have been through and seen but never thought about my situation. It wasn't until I was back in the US, thinking about this little girl and came across a story about rape culture online. It was like a domino to more stories, the more that I read the more a light went off in my head and out of the shield of covers I used to not think about it, I remembered/ was able to relate my story to these other girls stories.
Then the question. "How do you know if you've been raped?" immediately had immensely new meaning for me.

That's really a chilling question. It's possible that this guy was lying to his friend. His fly was up, your underwear was on. The uncertainty about this whole incident is pretty disturbing.

I had something like that happen to me the only time I got drunk. Passing out, someone asking if I wanted to, me saying no and passing out again. I know that nothing happened, but every once in a while it will come back to me and I will wonder - what if something did and I just don't remember? It's a completely irrational thought for my situation (all the evidence points to nothing happened) , but I still sometimes have it flash through my mind.