[tigersassy]

Trigger warning in case

I feel like I've dealt with more than my share of crap in my life. I've got 20 years of physical and sexual abuse. That's from dad, brother, babysitter, friends dad, etc. Then there's the emotional abuse all the above, but include mom. I've been trying to deal with just that crap off and on for years. I don't have flashbacks, but I avoid things that could remind me of any of it. Like intimacy with my spouse. I just can't do it. I don't like being physically intimate and I feel horrible because my spouse wants that. I'm working with a therapist. But thanks to cancer dealing with the past got put on hold.
I want to cry. So many things are happening all at one time in my head. I mean I was raped shortly after I turned 20 by my brother and I got pregnant. I had an abortion. Now thanks to my cancer treatment I'll never be able to have another child.
I feel like so many things have been taken away from me. I had no childhood. I'll never have my own children. I'll never be able to go without medication. I'll never be able to go fearlessly into flu season. I'll never be able to trust my family. Then there's the years that I've spent tying to deal with the abuse. I'll never get those back.
I took a vacation and didn't deal with anything, but now it's all coming back full force. I feel raw today. And like I'm going to cry. I don't have therapy for another week. I just don't want this crap to be part of my life. I want to remove it as if it were a tumor. I can't even have them do that with the cancer because it's in my blood. You can't remove that. Don't I deal with enough? All of my feelings about cancer tie into my abuse somewhere. So dealing with this crap in therapy isn't even easy. This just sucks.

[jelly-bean]

There is not much I can say to that except that you are in my prayers sweetie!

[tigersassy]

I'm trying figure out what my next step should be....