[Catlovers141]

This is my situation: I have not seen my abuser for approximately six years. My sister is graduating this June and he is invited to her ceremony and party. I have only remembered that it was him for the past six months, so this would be the first time that I am seeing him with the knowledge of what he did to me. I love my sister and I don't want to miss this important event in her life, but the thought of seeing my abuser is terrifying. I have thought about talking to my parents about it, but I have brought it up more vaguely in the past and they thought I was making it up so I could blame my problems on someone else, and I don't think they will respond any better when I tell them who I think it was. I have also thought about going and not saying anything, kind of pretending that things are okay, but my therapist thinks this is a terrible idea and I agree. I don't think my family will support me, but the idea that seems most logical to me at this point is to not go to the event and to tell them the reason. At least this way I am being truthful about my experience and my sister knows that there is an important reason why I am missing this event, and it isn't that I don't care about her, etc. But I don't think I'm strong enough to do this. I have thought about it for months and it does not feel like there is a way for me to resolve this without immense pain for me and possibly others.

[sherbet]

I don't think there's anything wrong with your idea to not go to the event…although I know it must seem daunting to try to explain this to your family. Perhaps you could explain only to your sister, since she sounds supportive, and just state to the rest of the family that you will be unable to attend? You aren't really obligated to provide a detailed explanation to the rest of your family. I know it's more easily said than done but try not to engage in a debate about why you're not going…just calmly say you can't make it and leave it at that.

Is there a way for you and your sister to get together privately to celebrate? I'm sure you already know this, but graduation ceremonies in general are a recital of long speeches followed by a slow reading of hundreds/thousands of strangers' names. The family sits in one place and the graduate in another…so all this will take place without your sister present. Then the graduate finally sees their family afterwards--that's the part where the family says "congrats" and supports the graduate and probably grabs dinner.

You won't really be supporting your sister by sitting through a long ceremony without her present while panicking next to your abuser. I don't think you need to feel guilty. Tell your sister the truth: you are very excited about her special day and you want to congratulate her in person. Then figure out a time to celebrate together.

[MtnCowgirl]

Your own healing has to stay your priority. Your sister will understand.