[*PeaceLily*]

.Mine is a family situation.I really feel like lashing out at them right now.I feel like telling them I never want to speak to them again and telling them not to contact me...not that they ever contact me anyway. People on here tell me I have had a very abusive life, but my whole family acts like I deserved it, and that I did it to myself.

More and more of it just seems wrong to me.I feel like it progressively looks worse to me, not better.
I feel like confronting my mother.. She never spoke to me when I was a child...as in, literally never. The only conversation my mother ever had with me was when i was 18 and I was depressed, (I was still living at that house,) and she told me I had depression and needed medication.She never invited me to join in on things. She would hang out with my sister in my sister's bedroom, but I would never be invited. While they were hanging out, I would be sexually abused by someone in my family in the next room! That's how little thy knew my mother cared.In fact, she interrogated me about it afterwards like it was my fault. I would cry when she was in the same room, and she would ignore me. She would go to a concert with my other sisters and not invite me.I was sexually abused by a couple of men in my family.

My father would call me all names under the sun, like '*****' and 'cripple' and 'retard' and he would call me an animal...the list would go on forever. he would ask me if i needed a wheelchair if I couldn't move as fast as he wanted me to. He would tell me to get cancer and drop dead. he would make me repeat nasty stuff about myself.i was hit all the time.he would talk to me about suicide and how to kill people. He would destroy my favourite property He woud destroy my homework and projects for no reason.This is all as a kid.

Somehow, I managed to do really well at school.However, i was depressed due to the abuse. At 18 my mother tells me I need medication. I had a manic reaction that normal people would've hospitalised me for, but I was told it was my fault and I thought it was my fault. My mother punished me for it by making me live with my father after she left. She kept telling me I needed medication, but obviously because I have this reaction to the tablets, it kept going wrong which she interpreted as me being a bad person.

This ruined uni for me and made my thinking so much fuzzier. I kept being told it was me who was the issue, not the living environment. I ended up constantly on and off medication that was having a detrimental effect on me and became stuck there for years, and no one would ever put me in a hospital when I had the side effects, like I asked to be if I got bad and couldn't think straight.My mother even got the medication behind my back one time which isnt even legal

At my father's house, I wasnt allowed to cook, clean, hang up my own washing, open curtains, empty a bin or even pick anything off the floor.Most the time, I didnt have a key to the house.I now know this man sexually abused me when i was a kid too which make it even worse. I performed what I now know to be oral sex on him when I was a child, among some other things.

I ended up stuck there until I was almost 26 years old!!!I lost all my friends and almost never left the house.I lost my job and university place. I've had no life.I went from being a top student to just being told that the doctor has told the welfare people that I unlikely to be able to work for a year and put me down as 'disabled' sue to depression. The psychiatrist I saw has now told me he thinks I only have depression and anxiety issues like ptsd symptoms, so I was never even crazy in the first place!!

I feel like confronting them, but when I messaged me father about some of it, he put the blame on me, and told me to 'stop looking backward.' He even called me a 'defiant' child which is totally untrue.

I want some acknowledgement from them all. Is there any point confronting them?

There is so much more than just this.I hate these people.I'm starting to feel like they should be in jail. How can I get any justice? To me, it seems criminal. I feel like pressing charges about some of it, but it all seems pointless. To be honest, I want to make them pay. How can I best achieve any kind of acknowledgement and justice for this many years of hell ?

[RedEagle]

Honestly, it's probably better to completely remove yourself from the situation and pursue a new, healthier direction in life. Some people are just born into awful situations and some people are lucky to be born with healthy, well-adjusted parents. That's just the way that things are.

Originally Posted by RedEagle

Honestly, it's probably better to completely remove yourself from the situation and pursue a new, healthier direction in life. Some people are just born into awful situations and some people are lucky to be born with healthy, well-adjusted parents. That's just the way that things are.

I completely disagree! Removing yourself from a situation, does not make the abuse go away. I have spent 40 years, trying to 'remove' myself. It will at some point, rear its ugly head and bite you big time on the bum. Justice - yes!!! Talk to a T and attempt to process this ***** as unless you take this head on, it will stay with you.

[sherbet]

Originally Posted by *PeaceLily*

I want some acknowledgement from them all. Is there any point confronting them?

In my opinion, yes and no.

It's understandable that you want acknowledgment…that would probably be the best thing for your healing. You want justice and you haven't gotten it. The problem is your previous confrontations were unsuccessful…my guess is that this will hold true for future confrontations as well.

So no, if you want acknowledgment, admission of wrongdoing, some kind of attempt to make amends…no, I don't think you should confront. You might be disappointed.

However, there can be value in confronting to give yourself closure so you can move on. If you carefully plan out what you're going to say, say it calmly, refrain from getting reactive even if (when) your family invalidates you, you'll know you've done everything you can. It will also give you the freedom to realize that even when your family denies your feelings this doesn't mean your feelings are invalid, it doesn't reflect a truth, and it doesn't need to hurt you. There is something satisfying about confronting, getting a bad response, and moving on knowing that you can deal with it. (This book talks about toxic parents, confrontations with toxic parents, and how to frame "success" in a confrontation with a toxic person, http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-...=toxic+parents)

As far as seeking justice…if you mean in the legal sense: by all means, you're entitled to do so. You may be barred from pressing certain charges by a statute of limitations…you'll have to research your state's laws (most offenses have a time limit within which you can press charges). Do consider whether you're acting out of a desire for revenge…it may not serve you in the end to hurt someone close to you to get your revenge, even if it's justified. There is no right or wrong here…just try to do what you think will be best for you in the long run.

I can really relate to the anger you feel. Just don't let it consume you.

[*PeaceLily*]

Originally Posted by sherbet

In my opinion, yes and no.

It's understandable that you want acknowledgment…that would probably be the best thing for your healing. You want justice and you haven't gotten it. The problem is your previous confrontations were unsuccessful…my guess is that this will hold true for future confrontations as well.

So no, if you want acknowledgment, admission of wrongdoing, some kind of attempt to make amends…no, I don't think you should confront. You might be disappointed.

However, there can be value in confronting to give yourself closure so you can move on. If you carefully plan out what you're going to say, say it calmly, refrain from getting reactive even if (when) your family invalidates you, you'll know you've done everything you can. It will also give you the freedom to realize that even when your family denies your feelings this doesn't mean your feelings are invalid, it doesn't reflect a truth, and it doesn't need to hurt you. There is something satisfying about confronting, getting a bad response, and moving on knowing that you can deal with it. (This book talks about toxic parents, confrontations with toxic parents, and how to frame "success" in a confrontation with a toxic person, http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-...=toxic+parents)

As far as seeking justice…if you mean in the legal sense: by all means, you're entitled to do so. You may be barred from pressing certain charges by a statute of limitations…you'll have to research your state's laws (most offenses have a time limit within which you can press charges). Do consider whether you're acting out of a desire for revenge…it may not serve you in the end to hurt someone close to you to get your revenge, even if it's justified. There is no right or wrong here…just try to do what you think will be best for you in the long run.

I can really relate to the anger you feel. Just don't let it consume you.

hi,

Thankyou for the responses.

I haven't really confronted them about it before. I have mentioned a few things, but at the time, I couldn't think straight in that environment and on the meds. I literally had no memory or no accessible past because I was completely survivalist even in the sense of just thinking when I would be able to next eat. Now, I am away from the environment and the people, and med- free, I can see more of the full picture. I also now have more information about things from one of my sisters who participated in it all at the time, but things it was all awful now. It was my sister who reminded me of some of the things that were done to me as a child.

I have never confronted any of them with the full facts.I have never confronted anyone about the sexual abuse.My mother's treatment of me in particular hurts me, and I have a strong feeling that if I talk to her about the sexual abuse, she will either tell me it never happened, or that I am exaggerating, or it was my fault too.

As for revenge, I honestly think that for me it's about justice.I don't want to destroy people needlessly, like they did me, but I have never experienced any justice in my entire life. Some of what was done was a literal crime. I also meant justice in a non-criminal sense- as in, how does someone seek justice for it, not necessarily through the courts? I have a strong need for validation and closure.

It is very hard for me to accept that these people do not care about me.I really want the validation from them, but if I can't get it from them...and I probably can't, I feel a desire to seek justice through th courts, as this is a form of vaiidation that things are a crime...of course, how validating it is depends on the verdict I guess. A not guilty would be very invalidating.

I feel stuck because I feel let down by my family and let down by the establishment in general- like the policeman who believed my father over me when i was telling the truth, and the social worker ex colleague of my father's who stopped the investigation into possible child abuse by my parents at my father's request, and the doctors who gave out medication for me to my mother without my consent, and who kept prescribing me the same medication over and over again, and then it turns out years later it was having a detrimental effect on me for 7 years.

I don't have problems in anger in that I shourt and scream because I don't.I come off very unemotional. It's more like a discomfort and frustration inside me

I guess by justice, I mean validation and affirmation that I have human rights.I don't feel like a person, probably because of how I've lived, and being calld an animal for so long and things.I have complex ptsd issues, so maybe my desire for justice is a part of that, or maybe it is a normal human need.Not sure.

(I haven't read this through after, so hopefully it makes sense...)


xxx xxx

[sherbet]

Your reaction makes perfect sense...it is dehumanizing to be treated this way. Your family owes you a huge apology and it doesn't sound likely to happen...but it also sounds like you need to know what their response would be. I think if you want to confront you should work with your T to think about what you will say and how to react to disappointment. You need to feel strong before you do this. Confrontation might not bring you the justice you want but maybe it'll give you closure so you can decide what kind of relationship you want to have with your family. I don't think it's a bad idea to confront if you feel like you can handle an invalidating response.

Maybe it would help to think about how you can have an authentic relationship with your family given everything that has happened? You can't make your parents feel sorry about what they did, but you can choose how you interact with them....that way you don't have to feel like they "got away" with all the harm they've caused. You can define how much and in what ways you interact with them, if at all.

[*PeaceLily*]

I don't wish to have contact with my parents again, and certainly also another member of my family who sexually abused me.

I was considering writing a letter to my mother so that she can understand where I'm coming from in my opinions about how she treated me and what happened, and why it's seen by other people outside our family as wrong. Is this ever effective?

I was also thinking of sending a letter to my brother to tell me that I know that he sexually abused me. Apparently, you have to be careful doing that though, although I'm not too sure why.

In honesty, is it worth writing letters?. The purpose of the first letter would be to remind my mother of the facts of the situation and tell her how I see what happened now, and just basically tell her how I feel about it, which I have never done before.

The second letter to my brother would be kind of similar I guess. I actually don't get why they wouldb't be able to see my perspective, since I feel like ANYONE would surely be able to see why this was all wrong, and in many respects literally criminal. Shouldn't they want to be nicer about me as a result of everything that happened?! I don't get it.

xx

[RainbowG]

Confrontation of any kind is a difficult situation when it involves abusers. That was actually one point where I disagreed with Forward. Frankly, I don't believe confronting abusers ever does any good and is more pain than it's worth.

I understand your desires and feelings, but we have to accept that most abusers don't think the way normal people do. Most don't see that they're doing anything wrong because they can justify what they've done or what happened. They said it was all your fault, remember? Even if someone normal can see plainly that it's not, to them it's equally clear that it is.

People do not accept what they do not want to accept. We can't expect an abuser to accept that s/he is abusive. So they deny, explain away, and minimize the abuse. This includes the passive abuser like your mother, i.e., who pretended bad things weren't happening to you or that the bad things that happened to you were your fault and therefore none of her concern.

As far as confronting sexual abusers, possibly the warning against doing so has to do with the way abusers think. They know that you're accusing them of something that could get them into deep trouble. Some also can admit that sexual abuse is horrifying without linking it to anything they did. It's crazy thinking, but it's the way some of them think. So confronting them with it can make them deny it in any way they see fit, such as getting back at you in some way. If your brother is in any way vicious or vengeful then it would be a very bad idea to confront him.

My personal feeling is that justice and abuse do not go together. Even if a sexual molester is convicted, it doesn't remove the injustice of the act. I believe the best choice is not to engage with them and create a beautiful life for yourself. They tried to control you and you show them that they never will. Yes, I know they'll probably never realize it, but you'll know it, and that's what's important.

[dorkygirl0609]

I complete understand how you feel. As someone who recently cut off the toxic sociopaths in my life. I feel like the world owes me justice. I feel like they should be punished in some way for how they treated me. Sadly, we cannot hope for retribution. Seems like the world protects the bad people in the world and the good people get the **** end of the stick.

[Purple Heart]

Originally Posted by *PeaceLily*

.Mine is a family situation.I really feel like lashing out at them right now.I feel like telling them I never want to speak to them again and telling them not to contact me...not that they ever contact me anyway. People on here tell me I have had a very abusive life, but my whole family acts like I deserved it, and that I did it to myself.

More and more of it just seems wrong to me.I feel like it progressively looks worse to me, not better.
I feel like confronting my mother.. She never spoke to me when I was a child...as in, literally never. The only conversation my mother ever had with me was when i was 18 and I was depressed, (I was still living at that house,) and she told me I had depression and needed medication.She never invited me to join in on things. She would hang out with my sister in my sister's bedroom, but I would never be invited. While they were hanging out, I would be sexually abused by someone in my family in the next room! That's how little thy knew my mother cared.In fact, she interrogated me about it afterwards like it was my fault. I would cry when she was in the same room, and she would ignore me. She would go to a concert with my other sisters and not invite me.I was sexually abused by a couple of men in my family.

My father would call me all names under the sun, like '*****' and 'cripple' and 'retard' and he would call me an animal...the list would go on forever. he would ask me if i needed a wheelchair if I couldn't move as fast as he wanted me to. He would tell me to get cancer and drop dead. he would make me repeat nasty stuff about myself.i was hit all the time.he would talk to me about suicide and how to kill people. He would destroy my favourite property He woud destroy my homework and projects for no reason.This is all as a kid.

Somehow, I managed to do really well at school.However, i was depressed due to the abuse. At 18 my mother tells me I need medication. I had a manic reaction that normal people would've hospitalised me for, but I was told it was my fault and I thought it was my fault. My mother punished me for it by making me live with my father after she left. She kept telling me I needed medication, but obviously because I have this reaction to the tablets, it kept going wrong which she interpreted as me being a bad person.

This ruined uni for me and made my thinking so much fuzzier. I kept being told it was me who was the issue, not the living environment. I ended up constantly on and off medication that was having a detrimental effect on me and became stuck there for years, and no one would ever put me in a hospital when I had the side effects, like I asked to be if I got bad and couldn't think straight.My mother even got the medication behind my back one time which isnt even legal

At my father's house, I wasnt allowed to cook, clean, hang up my own washing, open curtains, empty a bin or even pick anything off the floor.Most the time, I didnt have a key to the house.I now know this man sexually abused me when i was a kid too which make it even worse. I performed what I now know to be oral sex on him when I was a child, among some other things.

I ended up stuck there until I was almost 26 years old!!!I lost all my friends and almost never left the house.I lost my job and university place. I've had no life.I went from being a top student to just being told that the doctor has told the welfare people that I unlikely to be able to work for a year and put me down as 'disabled' sue to depression. The psychiatrist I saw has now told me he thinks I only have depression and anxiety issues like ptsd symptoms, so I was never even crazy in the first place!!

I feel like confronting them, but when I messaged me father about some of it, he put the blame on me, and told me to 'stop looking backward.' He even called me a 'defiant' child which is totally untrue.

I want some acknowledgement from them all. Is there any point confronting them?

There is so much more than just this.I hate these people.I'm starting to feel like they should be in jail. How can I get any justice? To me, it seems criminal. I feel like pressing charges about some of it, but it all seems pointless. To be honest, I want to make them pay. How can I best achieve any kind of acknowledgement and justice for this many years of hell ?

Peacelilly hugs

From what you said your parents/family seem like they were very evil to you as a child and adulthood. I do believe there are evil people out there, I don't used that term lightly. The way they treated you is abysmal, soul-destroying. There was no love for you growing up, you were 'objectified' and I think that is why they found it easier to treat you like ****. If you're objectified then you don't have to feel any empathy or remorse because in their eyes you have no soul or feelings. This happened to me in my childhood. I once read a book called: People of the Lie by M. Scott Peck. A great read about people that live by lies and evil, rather than love and truth.

Peace

PH

[ThingWithFeathers]

The lack of justice for you and for me and for the many other survivors of severely destructive family abuse and neglect makes me furious (and breaks my heart).

[nicoleflynn]

Writing a letter of Restorative Justice is an excellent way to take your power back; it says....this is what you did, this is how it made me feel. Rarely will the abusers admit to their abuse, but the letter is for YOU. I think it is empowering. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life.

[gfswolf]

Dear Peacelily:
I feel for you. My family was/is the same. I have broken from all of them and of course they don't care. They think I deserved what I got. I have been through years of therapy and it has helped me to respect myself and not buy into their sickness anymore. Your family is sick and projects its sickness onto you, viewing you as the sick one. If it's not too late, you may sue them. Otherwise get a therapist (if you haven't yet) and find loving supportive people to be friends with.

[RedEagle]

I can relate. It's natural to be angry at those who've abused you especially if you were a child and you couldn't defend yourself and you didn't really have much control over the situation. Adults have such an advantage over children. Adults are bigger, smarter, stronger, more experienced, more knowledgeable, they have the money, they have all the power and control and they have the complete backing of their fellow adults, society, the government, and the police. If you're in the unfortunate situation of being stuck with a personality disordered, emotionally damaged, unstable, abusive parent you'll be in for quite the roller coaster ride until you can get free (or until they decide they're through with you).