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Member
Member Since Dec 2013
Location: Narnia
Posts: 354
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Feb 14, 2015 at 04:32 PM
#1
On Wednesday my father and primary abuser was found dead in his bed. My sister informed me in a private message on Facebook. She didn't even take a minute out of her day to call me on the phone to tell me.
I have been told by a few people that in a lot of ways his death would be good thing because I'm now safe from him and can "move on". I'm so angry and hurt that I don't know what to do with it. I have had to listen to my best friend talk about how much she has hated my father and for how long. Should I be relieved that he is dead? If so, then I'm doing it all wrong. The last thing that I feel is relief. I feel broken, sad, angry, and devastated. He was my father! __________________ ___________________________________ "Your memory is a monster; you forget - it doesn't. It simply files things away. It keeps things for you, or hides things from you - and summons them to your recall with a will of its own. You think you have a memory; but it has you!" --John Irving "What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step." --C.S. Lewis |
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 *PeaceLily*, Achy Turtle Armor, Bluegrey, sherbet
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Living Entity
Member Since Jul 2014
Location: La La Land
Posts: 28,949
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Feb 14, 2015 at 05:03 PM
#2
First of all, you need to let yourself feel how ever you feel. You can sort it all out later. Being sad is normal, there are stages of grief you have to go through. Over time, you will come to terms with all that you are feeling now. The important thing is to be kind to yourself and be true to yourself, and let yourself heal in your own time. (Do get therapy if you feel you need help to deal with your emotions.)
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 Achy Turtle Armor
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Member
Member Since Oct 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 150
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Feb 15, 2015 at 03:41 AM
#3
People say such ignorant stuff. I don't think there's a right way to feel, but i think the way you feel is really common. I get why you feel the way you do.
Apparently many people are devastated when the people who abuse them pass away. Something called 'complicated grief' can develop so maybe that is something to watch out for, to see if in time it might be developing, and then maybe counselling would be appropriate. Lots of love to you at this time. xxxx |
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dandylin
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Member
Member Since Aug 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 277
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Feb 16, 2015 at 07:49 AM
#4
((Canyon))
There is no wrong way for you to feel, and you should be free to react to this situation however you want. When my mother died, I grieved but later realised that as much as anything else I was grieving for the relationship I wished I had had with her. I missed her and mourned her (perhaps easier than it would have been because we had made peace with each other a few years before) but there is still a feeling of hurt that she treated me as she did. It's weird how emotions work, it seems we can't predict what we will feel and can feel things in contradictory ways. I hope you get some better support from your friends and family soon. Bluegrey |
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dandylin
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Member
Member Since Nov 2009
Location: Rocky Mountains
Posts: 451
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Feb 17, 2015 at 09:54 PM
#5
What a conflicting time for you. I'm sorry for your loss. I am not going to be much help here. Both of my abusers are dead and while it makes it somewhat easier to unburden yourself when they are out of the picture. Having said that...it's amazing how long they can live in your head.
__________________ I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell |
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Elder
Community Liaison
Member Since Nov 2014
Location: Psych Central
Posts: 6,761
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Feb 22, 2015 at 09:21 PM
#6
(((Canyon))) I'm so sorry for your loss and for the turmoil you feel inside. I don't think we can ever prepare ourselves for the loss of a parent no matter how badly they have abused us. As said before we mourn the loss of a relationship that never transpired and we also mourn the relationship that did transpire and the damage it caused.
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Feb 28, 2015 at 04:08 PM
#7
there is no right or wrong way to feel. God, i don't know what i'd do in your position. but i feel so awful for you. it must bring up some staggeringly bad feelings.
make sure you get all the support you need right now please.
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