[Purple Heart]

Hi

Did anybody else have a similar experience to me? I've talked to some people who had at least one parent who was supportive while the other was abusive. However, in my situation, BOTH my parents were abusive to me. In fact I had no one to give me love at all. Also my siblings and cousins abused me too. Age 12 was my worse year as I realised from the flashbacks, I experienced sexual abuse and emotional abuse. I guess it explains why I had major depression for 11 years until I started healing in the last few years. I'm amazed I'm still alive.

PH

[CANDC]

Hi, sorry about your suffering of abuse. No one should have to suffer that.

You are a very strong person to survive and heal after 2 or more people abusing you.

What an inspiring story. Thank you for sharing.

[RainbowG]

Yup, both of my parents were and are abusive. My father has a personality disorder, and people with PD are, in my opinion, always abusive. My mother is also definitely mentally ill. Whether it's a personality disorder or a mood disorder or something they haven't figured out yet I don't know, but she definitely has issues.

I feel sometimes like I endured a smorgasbord of emotional abuse. Both of my parents were obsessive controllers and manipulators. My father was unemotional while my mother was emotionally smothering and (covertly) sexually abusive. My father was over-critical while my mother loved to ridicule me. I was my father's favorite and therefore expected to copy him and worship him like a god while my mother resented me and was disgusted by me.

Those who report a supportive parent need to think about the role of the passive abuser. Support after abuse doesn't do much good if the abuse continues. The non-actively-abusive parent is in a position to stop the abuse by getting the child away from the abuser. Those who don't do so, for whatever reason, and I know situations can make that tough sometimes, are, in fact, being abusive. It's just not as aggressive as the active abuser.

This is one of the many reasons why I chose to go no-contact. I'm told by my sister, who's still in contact with them, that they blame each other for it. Classic!

[Purple Heart]

Originally Posted by RainbowG

Yup, both of my parents were and are abusive. My father has a personality disorder, and people with PD are, in my opinion, always abusive. My mother is also definitely mentally ill. Whether it's a personality disorder or a mood disorder or something they haven't figured out yet I don't know, but she definitely has issues.

I feel sometimes like I endured a smorgasbord of emotional abuse. Both of my parents were obsessive controllers and manipulators. My father was unemotional while my mother was emotionally smothering and (covertly) sexually abusive. My father was over-critical while my mother loved to ridicule me. I was my father's favorite and therefore expected to copy him and worship him like a god while my mother resented me and was disgusted by me.

Those who report a supportive parent need to think about the role of the passive abuser. Support after abuse doesn't do much good if the abuse continues. The non-actively-abusive parent is in a position to stop the abuse by getting the child away from the abuser. Those who don't do so, for whatever reason, and I know situations can make that tough sometimes, are, in fact, being abusive. It's just not as aggressive as the active abuser.

This is one of the many reasons why I chose to go no-contact. I'm told by my sister, who's still in contact with them, that they blame each other for it. Classic!

Hugs Rainbow

I'm glad someone else has experienced what I have. For both of us, we never felt that deep connection of love with a care-giver in childhood. When some adults in my childhood gave me attention and some love, it felt very strange and alien to me. I grew up not really knowing anything about love. Both my parents were very abusive but more so my mother since it was a matriarchal family. People that know my mother think she is wonderful and even holy. But nobody is interested in hearing my story. I have no voice which is very painful for me. Nobody in my life wants to hear my side. No. I have to focus on people in my life that love and accept me for who I am as I won't get this from my living family.

Rainbow was their a grandmother or family friend that gave you some grains of love growing up?

PH

[RainbowG]

Originally Posted by Purple Heart

Hugs Rainbow

I'm glad someone else has experienced what I have. For both of us, we never felt that deep connection of love with a care-giver in childhood. When some adults in my childhood gave me attention and some love, it felt very strange and alien to me. I grew up not really knowing anything about love. Both my parents were very abusive but more so my mother since it was a matriarchal family. People that know my mother think she is wonderful and even holy. But nobody is interested in hearing my story. I have no voice which is very painful for me. Nobody in my life wants to hear my side. No. I have to focus on people in my life that love and accept me for who I am as I won't get this from my living family.

Rainbow was their a grandmother or family friend that gave you some grains of love growing up?

PH

Thank you for the kind words. I'm glad to hear that you have people around you who support you. I think all abuse survivors have to learn to define family in a different way from non-abuse survivors. Family means all those who appreciate us and love us for who we are, which leaves out some blood relatives!

My extended family lived in a foreign country for the first 16 years of my life, and my parents were very isolating, but I did get comfort from friends. They didn't see me as my parents saw me. When we moved to the foreign country, I did have some support from cousins, but there's emotional abuse on both sides of the family, so some of the support was conditional.

My mother also gets a lot of sympathy because she tells a very convincing sob story. In her eyes, she's always sacrificed herself for her children and we've never appreciated it. I don't bother to try to get my family to understand because I know they'd think I was crazy.

Being no-contact has helped a lot. I know for a fact that my parents have only gotten worse, and I shutter to think the new lows they'll reach as they get even older (they're in their 70s). It's very important to me to protect myself so that I can continue to heal.