[angelicgoldfish05]

Possible trigger:

Trigger for Sexual Abuse, sexual content, and abusive relationships

I do not know what possessed me to try and go see the movie '50 Shades of Grey.' Curiosity? I knew it was a bad idea and did it anyways, thinking it was no big deal, that I was strong enough to handle whatever it showed. Maybe I wanted to get triggered. Maybe then I would remember all of whatever has happened to give me all the symptoms of having some SA happen to me but me not remembering (or downplaying or whatever).

Well, what actually happened is that I was late to see the start of the movie by a half hour. I was alone, and it was late morning so there wouldn't be too many people in the theater. I had hours to kill because my car was getting fixed. So I talked to the person selling the ticket and asked her about the movie. She asked if I had read the books and I told her I had. She said, well all you have probably missed is the interview. Then she told me that if I wanted, I could go watch for awhile, and if I felt like I had missed too much, I could come and get a refund. It was only five dollars and that felt like a safe offer so I took my ticket and beelined it to the theater. Found a seat that wasn't around anyone else, but did note, on a subconscious level, the two older men sitting alone up near the front. This creeped me out in the back of my mind for some reason but I wouldn't piece together why until later.

Well the movie is going along and I start to see all the red flags of an abusive relationship (controlling, possessive, jealous, etc). This is nothing new to me, although I have not experienced anything like the extremes in the movie, I have read enough about it to know. As I settled more into my seat I started to get annoyed at how much the plot of this movie was truly terrible, the acting not that great, and how much I felt it mimicked Twilight. I was almost bored to tears and wondering why anyone would pay money to see this film. Skip ahead to the first sex scene. I couldn't do it. I was NOT in any place to see this and with how much I have been processing everything, trying to remember, and heal from, past sexual stuff (I have a hard time calling it abuse). I hated this movie and all the feelings it brought back and I left the theater immediately and got my money back.

As I was walking up the street trying to do some nice self talk and reassure myself that everything was ok, and that everything was going to be ok now, I remembered something that I was almost hitting myself for forgetting before I went to see the movie. Oh yeah, no big deal, but I had a psychotic break that included those books and a person in it. I believe it is difficult to explain what all went through my mind during my psychotic break. Let's just say there is a reason I went to the psych ward for 4 days. It is a very long story and I want to tell it but this is such a long post already.

I'll wrap up the story of seeing this movie with a huge blessing. As I was walking up the street, I remembered I was supposed to call my T to reschedule our weekly appt because she had been out with a medical emergency the day before. I asked if they had anything available that day, and it turned out, they had an opening in 15 minutes. Even more blessing is that I was 5 minutes away within walking distance. So I was able to go see my T instead of that stupid triggering, abusive movie. I don't even want to know what happens in the rest of it. It could very well send my back to the psych ward and I don't want that.

Surprisingly though, I didn't talk about any of this with T. I am not sure why. We spent some time going over if she was ok from the reason she was out the day before, and then going over what we rehashed last time. I sensed it wasn't the right time to get into deep material. I did tell her some of the other triggering things from my past relationship though. So I guess that was good. I was just thankful to get to a safe place and be with someone I could talk to if I needed to.

I am wondering what others are thinking about the movie '50 Shades of Grey.' Have you seen it? Or would you never in your life because it would trigger too much?

[CANDC]

I am sorry you got triggered by the movie. I never read the book or saw the movie so I can only see it through your eyes.

Guess I won't be seeing it either. I like romantic comedies and that was not the plot as I heard it.

[mimsies]

Many people have tried to convince me to read the book, a few to see the movie.

I pretty much knew from a brief summary of the book (which was a trigger in of itself) that there was NO way I would ever read it, nor see it when it came out as a movie.

I also steered clear of "The Lovely Bones" the movie, but had read the book (very triggering) because my son auditioned for a role in the movie. After reading the book, I was very glad he didn't get a callback.

I'm sorry to hear that the movie triggered you.

I have never had any interest in reading the book, or seeing the movie, but thankfully a lot of people on Tumblr are warning other people not to see the movie because it is triggering and that it makes light of am obviously abusive relationship by covering it up with a "BDSM" title.

I hope you are coping okay now, I know that you must feel awful having seen that movie. But hey, we all make mistakes, don't be too hard on yourself.

[nicoleflynn]

I have no desire to read the book or see the movie. 31 years of abuse was enough for me; I won't watch anything about violence on tv either.

it triggers me too. the narcissistic 'christian gray' sounds very much like my abuser.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

it triggers me too. the narcissistic 'christian gray' sounds very much like my abuser.

Is he narcissistic? I don't know very well how to recognize these things even though my t tells me that my ex sounds like he was one also.
What concerns me about these books and the movie, among other things, is its popularity. And how guys will probably think it is ok and even culturally endorsed/approved to behave like this now.

[SoupDragon]

My mother gave me the books to read, which has really confused me.