[ThisWayOut]

I'm so tired. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired of new memories and flashbacks. I'm tired of fighting through them. I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of remembering. I'm tired of wondering when and how to reach out to my rl supports... I'm just tired.

(Apologies if this came off suicidal. I'm not. Just frustrated and tired of dealing with the ramifications of what I grew up with...)

[Bluegrey]

(((TWO)))

I know how hard it is dealing with memories and flashbacks. I hope you have some comforting things you can do, and can sleep reasonably well. It's good you have some rl supports, I'm sure they won't mind if you get in touch. Sometimes, if we're too tired to cope, it's a good thing to ask someone else to help. I've done that, and even just listening to my friend on the phone for a while did help.

Hope you feel a bit better soon.


Bluegrey

[ThisWayOut]

Thanks bluegrey.
I've started and deleted: a dozen posts on the forums, more text messages than I can count, several false starts to a crisis chat, countless journal entries...
I keep remembering my t tell me to call the hotline at her office if anything comes up while she's away, but I can't find the words or the courage. :/
I've talked to friends and my wife, but I can't shake the mask of "everything's fine and dandy" as I'm in the middle of flashbacks while talking to them. It sucks
I wish t was in town, because she knows I have a lot of trouble talking sometimes. She would at least make an attempt to help me figure out what I need to say... ugh. I hate being at such a loss for expression.

[Open Eyes]

((TWO)),

I am sorry you are struggling right now, I have experienced exactly what you are discribing. As time went on I began to understand that I was experiencing a PTSD cycle and I had to be patient and let it run it's course. I know they are very difficult and I hear you because though a need to verbalize what is taking place does come, being able to verbalize is very hard. I often found myself coming to PC and wanting to say something yet I just sat there and could not seem to say anything or would delete what I did try to say.

I "do" know what you mean about how your therapist seems to help so much with that too. He was so good at talking me through it, that is not something just anyone knows how to do either.

When this happens you need to do your best to stay in the "now" and be patient with yourself until you finish cycling. It's like a wave that comes in, crests, and then receeds.
You can't really fight it, all you can do is acknowledge it and remind yourself that whatever it is, is not happening "now", but is something that is passed that you are remembering. This is something that your hypocampus and amygdala is challenged with and when they are aggrivated and it challenges the frontal lobe where you can think and verbalize. So, you need to be patient until everything calms down, and it will, and then you have a chance to think about it and talk it out.

I found that if I was quiet and layed down in my bed and just let my mind relax and wander free, it helped alot because if I just relaxed, the cortisol would stop building up thinking I needed to be prepared to "fight/flight". Once the cortisol stops being produced and disipates, the brain can calm down and you will feel more able to talk and function again. That is why it helps when you hear someones voice talking you through it, you begin to focus on the voice instead of panicing and producing cortisol which gets you all upset.

I know it's tiring, I hear you, have struggled that way myself, said the same thing. It "is" tiring but you "will" make gains on that, you "will" get better with self soothing and gaining more control. Patience with "self" ok?

As you work through these memories that come forward, they will get "weaker" too.

((Gentle Supportive Hugs))
OE

[ThisWayOut]

did your cycles take days? because mine generally last 2 or 3 days of not being able to communicate in any meaningful way, then I can finally find words... well, at least I hope I can find words.
went to the beach today and that helped a bit. I think I stay at home too much these days... :/ I just never have the energy to go anywhere (or the $)

[Open Eyes]

Yes ((TWO)), I have experienced cycles that have lasted for days too. I did not always know exactly what they were about either. After a while I got so I figured out the triggers that set off days of emotional flashbacks that would get me down from a day to a few days. I learned I have to be patient when I struggled that way and that it would finally just come together.

I know it can be tiring, I keep saying "patience" is so important. It "is" an injury and it really takes time and patience to heal.

[ThisWayOut]

Triggered all over again today, and no idea why.
Know I really want to talk to t, know I really want to talk about these flashbacks, but I'm terrified that I'm wrong about them. I'm scared that if I tell her, she will know I'm wrong and get mad. She'll tell me not to say such horrible things about him, that he would never do that. And I'm scared that others will find out what I've "accused" him of, and they will know I'm wrong too, and they will also be mad. They'll think I'm a horrible person, and a drama queen, and doing this all because I'm erroneously mad at him for something stupid and inconsequential... and all of this is coming in my grandmother's voice... because he'd never do something like that, because you have to love family and not say vile things about them (even if they are true). And because I'm just ungrateful for all he's done for me. I'm just a spoiled brat, and wrong, and stupid... how dare I even think such things?!



I hate this so much. I can resolve to tell t about all this, but I know when faced with the prospect of actually telling her, it won't feel safe. I'll tell her it's stupid, and to never mind, and I'll run (or really want to)...

I wish she was back today so I could call and talk. She'll be back tomorrow, and I see her Thursday. We'll see if I can tell her any of this then...

[Fuzzybear]